Abu Ghraib prison has been given a makeover! At last the grim horror of prison life is torture-free!
They’ve given it fresh paint, a new name, and they’ve even scrubbed the electrodes clean. / fed the dogs.
They’ve renamed the prison, and given it a total makeover. They’re also going to put lipstick on the prison’s pig.
They’ve renamed it Baghdad Central Prison, which was chosen over the proposed name of Baghead-Bashy Nude-Stack Prison.
And apparently, although it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, the prison now also has a beautiful pet peacock.
The new prison will have no more torture and humiliation of prisoners. Now prisoners will be gently questioned with love-batons, and stripped naked at gunpoint just because they’re so very beautiful.
No more humiliating piles of naked prisoners! The new prison will have tasteful and artistic piles of naked prisoners.
Iraqi officials say they have to reopen the facility because the US military has begun handing over the thousands of detainees in its custody. And the places they’ve been kept are just too horrible to consider.
So at long last the prison may be able to throw off the bad reputation it gained from the US occupation and return to its original function as a torture centre.
The Iraqis have promised to treat prisoners in accordance with international standards. They’ve learnt so much from the Americans. / Saddam had never realised they were so low.
The new prison even has a textiles room, with a state-of-the-art sewing machine that has a special setting for lips.
The new prison even has a sewing room – perfect for hunger-strikes.
“We turned it into something like a resort, not a prison,” said a spokesman. And why not? After all, most of the people there are actually totally innocent.
“We turned it into something like a resort, not a prison,” said a spokesman. The daiquiris are on the house!
“We turned it into something like a resort, not a prison,” said a spokesman. Because that’s the best way to get those evil criminals to crack.
“We turned it into something like a resort, not a prison,” said a spokesman. They’re desperately hoping Osama will turn himself in for the free daiquiris. / poolside hotties. / for the 5-star service.
They’ve even renamed the prison. Now it’s called “Happy Allah’s House of Babes”. / “Super Fun Happy Prison”. / “Human Rights R Us”.
There’s also a barber shop. Their electrolysis treatment is especially effective. / Although they prefer to remove hair by intense electrolysis.
The barber shop is particularly nice; pop in for a trim, shave and electrocution.
The new prison features a lovely barber shop, so you can get your genitals shaved before the nude pyramid.
Plastic flowers line the halls and there’s a lovely greenhouse in the courtyard. Shame the inmates are still gagged and blindfolded, really.
The plastic flowers are certainly a different form of torture.
So now if a guard points at you and gives a thumbs up, rest assured it means you’re going to be killed.
There’s even an exercise yard, so any human pyramids are entirely voluntary.
They even provide computers for the prisoners, so at least they can download torture porn.
They had to reopen the prison. There was nowhere to store the guy who threw his shoes at Dubya.
A section of the prison will be turned into a museum documenting Saddam’s crimes, but not the abuses committed by the US guards. At least, not until the next overthrow of the government.
A section of the prison will be turned into a museum documenting Saddam’s crimes, but not the abuses committed by the US guards. Saddam’s tortures were extreme enough.
I can’t believe they’ve made over Abu Ghraib. Oh well, at least we’ll always have the pictures. / our memories.
After the prison torture scandal broke, the US separated extremists from more moderate prisoners, and got them to hang out with the rest of the guards.
Why couldn’t they have done something like this for Auschwitz? Could have made someone a lovely bakery.
