And in the last couple of months… (Good News Week 13/10/08: monologue)

Sorry about the long break – we were sucked into a blackhole created by the Large Hadron Collider, and spent the last 9 weeks climbing out of our own armpits backwards through time. Not an experience I’ve had since my uni days.

Well, it took the collapse of the global economy, but we’re back! Channel 10 could finally afford us again after having a word in the ear of the US Treasury. They’re just throwing money at anything.

Over the last two months, the Dow Jones dropped 2000 points, the All Ordinaries dropped nearly 1000, and boy, you should see our ratings.

John McCain teamed up with Sarah Palin, creating the most likeable and charismatic team since Dubya and Condoleeza Rice. / “Jacko” and “Chopper” Read.

John McCain teamed up with Sarah Palin. Woah, that’s just too much charisma in one party.

John McCain teamed up with Sarah Palin. So now they not only have senility on their side, but inbreeding.

John McCain picked Sarah Palin as his Vice-Presidential candidate. Thank goodness, for a minute there the race for the White House was looking a little too intellectual.

John McCain picked Sarah Palin as his Vice-Presidential candidate, in one fell swoop uniting feminists and rednecks. That’s right, she’s the kind of go-gettin’ chick you just love to rape!

And who would’ve thought, two months ago, that we’d see a woman get so close to the White House – thanks to rednecks?

Pro-life, pro-gun, pro-drilling Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has got American rednecks foaming at the mouth. But she’s a woman! Have they lost sight of their principles? / …mouth. So long as she lets her hubby be President and just does the cooking.

In something our children will call “The Start of the Great Depression”, Wall St collapsed, and then was bailed out to the tune of $700b. That’ll teach ‘em!

After sucking the world into a financial crisis, Wall St. was severely punished with $700 billion. Do you think if I have a meltdown George Bush might buy me a pony?

After sucking the world into a financial crisis, Wall St. was severely punished with a $700b bailout package. Man, when I lose my wallet, I find it hard to get anyone to lend me a fiver! / give me two bucks!

Brendan Nelson somehow lost his leadership, despite having the worst popularity rating ever recorded. And I thought Aussies supported the underdog…

Brendan Nelson lost his leadership to Malcolm Turnbull. The first thing Malcolm did was turn to Brendan and say “sorry”… / was offer Brendan an apology, in principle, with certain qualifications… / was say that he would apologise to the former leader, but that he didn’t want to create guilt amongst the party, and didn’t want to cause Brendan a mentality of victimhood. / was apologise to Brendan, but added that in the circumstances he did what he had to do and after all it was done with the best intentions and that really it was probably for the best.

Brendan Nelson called a leadership spill. You remember him, right? Liberal leader, big forehead? Aw forget it, that’s the end of Nelson jokes.

And Malcolm Turnbull took over the Liberal leadership from… you know, that other guy. Big forehead, no presence. No, not Howard, the other one… Bryden Nolsome, that’s him.

Malcolm Turnbull became Liberal leader, meaning the choice for PM is between the richest guy in Parliament and the second richest. Well at least we know they’re not corrupt for the money, just for the love of it.

Kevin Rudd went to New York & addressed the U.N. in front of about 30 people. Unfortunately everyone else thought it might be a good time to rearrange their stock portfolios.

Kevin Rudd addressed the U.N. about climate change in front of about 30 people. Guess everyone else decided to cut their carbon footprint and stay at home that day.

And Kevin 747 strode like a colossus on the world stage, addressing the UN… in front of all of 30 delegates. Why can’t we have a popular leader, like Mugabe or Ahmadinejad?

Kevin Rudd went to New York & addressed the U.N. And he did it in Mandarin, so they wouldn’t realise he didn’t really know what he was talking about. / to fool them into thinking he knew what he was doing.

Kevin Rudd went to New York & addressed the U.N. It’s surprising how many people take you seriously when you’re speaking Mandarin. / speaking a language they can’t understand.

Kevin Rudd went to New York & addressed the U.N. He pleaded with them to act swiftly on the pressing shortage of Iced Vovos.

Kevin Rudd went to New York & addressed the U.N, before heading off to address the nipples of a luscious selection of poledancers. / before heading off to address several pints of beer at Madame Pussycat’s House of Titty.

Peter Costello vowed he wouldn’t stand for the party leadership, saying he was committed to his electorate. He then took a part-time job with the World Bank, cackling the whole time.

Peter Costello vowed he wouldn’t stand for the party leadership, saying he was committed to his electorate. He then took a part-time job with the World Bank, as that career in writing memoirs didn’t turn out so well.

Peter Costello’s memoirs claimed that the Liberals could have won the last election if he’d been installed as leader. And judging by the sales of the book, over a dozen Australians agree!

Peter Costello vowed he wouldn’t stand for the party leadership, saying that, one, he was committed to his electorate and two, he didn’t want to be lumped with that snivelling pack of losers.

The Beijing Olympics opening ceremony was OK, but it wasn’t a patch on the AFL’s flying premiership cup. That was shooting sparks! Pew pew!

China won the most gold medals at the Olympics – though their athletes did have an advantage in that their eyes were already smog-adjusted. / their lungs were already accustomed to inhaling smog. / they had the added incentive of having to continue living in China long after the world’s media had left…

Every gold medal we won in Beijing cost taxpayers over $16 million. But at least we didn’t put the money into shares.

Every gold medal we won in Beijing cost taxpayers over $16 million. But at least we’re not wasting our money on health and education. / indigenous health or housing the homeless.

Every gold medal we won in Beijing cost taxpayers over $16 million. Hey, I’ve got a bunch of little gold medals in my wallet which only cost me a dollar each! These athletes have no concept of value.

We won some medals at the Olympics, although not as many as Great Britain. Which is fair enough – we don’t actually claim to be all that Great.

And who would’ve thought – China ended up winning the most gold medals at their own Olympics!

Chinese Olympic athletes were thrilled both with a huge haul of medals, and at having their families back alive. / and at having their families returned, mostly unharmed.

Proof that, not only does China have an excellent training regime, but the most undetectable drugs in the world.

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban named their daughter Sunday Urban, which will be ideal for when she wants to bring out her own line of street-wear.

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban named their daughter “Sunday”, named after the recently axed Channel Nine morning arts and entertainment show. They were originally going to name her “Mornings with Kerri-Anne”. / “National Nine Morning News”.

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban named their daughter “Sunday”. Her full name is “Sunday Bloody Sunday How Long Must We Sing This Song Kidman Urban”. Just beautiful.

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban named their daughter “Sunday”. Her full name is “Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Kidman Urban”. Mainly just so Keith can remember what order they’re in.

Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban named their daughter “Sunday”. Now Keith’s got no excuse for forgetting what day he needs to take his pills.

Nicole Kidman named her daughter “Sunday Rose”. Don’t know if you remember an ad from the 90’s, where Nicole’s best friend Naomi Watts turns down dinner with Tom Cruise for a Sunday Roast – but clearly Nicole still does.

Nicole Kidman named her daughter “Sunday Rose”. Better than a date with Tom Cruise…

Nicole said swimming in mystical “fertility waters” in Kununurra helped her get pregnant. The bonus features on the DVD of “Australia” should be good…

Nicole said swimming in mystical “fertility waters” in Kununurra helped her get pregnant. And here was poor Keith thinking it had something to do with that drunken fuck. / with his semen. / with the potence of his own “fertility waters”.

Nicole said swimming in mystical “fertility waters” in Kununurra helped her get pregnant. And Keith said that drinking mystical “scotch and coke” helped him get the horn.

In Western Australia, the Liberals dumped Troy Buswell as leader & won the election! Buswell’s the new Treasurer, although he may move into the private sector now that a corporate board’s offered him the chair…

In Western Australia, the Liberals dumped Troy Buswell as leader & won the election! Looks like the perverted fetish demographic prefer Colin Barnett.

In Western Australia, the Liberals dumped Troy Buswell as leader & won the election! Who’d’ve thought a history of workplace drunkenness and sexual harassment would keep you out of Parliament? Times have changed…

In Western Australia, the Liberals dumped Troy Buswell as leader. They were just pissed off that he kept winning musical chairs.

In Western Australia, the Liberals dumped Troy Buswell as leader, and won the election. Who’d’ve thought that perverted fetishes would keep you out of Parliament?

WA turfed out their government, and virtually all other state & territory governments are on the nose with voters. Wall-to-wall Labor apparently clashed with the curtains.

Virtually all state & territory Labor govts are sliding in the polls. They’re so corrupt and inept they even make the Liberals look good!

In Qld., the National Party merged with the Liberal Party, and Sir Joh rose from the dead just so he could die again.

A former garbo became the new Premier of New South Wales. Which was helpful in getting rid of the bodies.

Morris Iemma and half the New South Wales government quit. No fair! How can we vote them out now?

The new Senate, full of Greens & independents, refused to pass a bunch of the govt’s budget measures. Kevin Rudd and Wayne Swan had to have a quiet alcopop and a lie down.

The Rudd Government discovered that the new Senate is going to be virtually as hard to deal with as the old Senate. On the plus side, for any legislation that does get through, they’ll be able to spread the blame around nicely.

Malcolm Turnbull admitted smoking marijuana in his youth, but said that he stopped because it made him full of love for his fellow man and understand the true nature of the universe – and after all, he was intending to become a Liberal.

Malcolm Turnbull admitted smoking marijuana in his youth, but said that he stopped long ago. Now that he’s Leader of the Opposition, he just does a little chroming now and then.

Malcolm Turnbull admitted smoking marijuana in his youth, but said that he stopped because Therese Rein kept hogging the bong. / never cleaned her bong.

New Liberal leader Malcolm Turnbull volunteered the admission that he’d smoked marijuana in his youth. It was a surprisingly frank moment, probably due to that tab of acid he’d just dropped. / coke he’d just snorted.

There were claims Family First Senator Steve Fielding wanted to form a new party with less religious overtones. Apparently God just isn’t giving him the help with legislation that he’d been hoping for.

There were claims Family First Senator Steve Fielding wanted to form a new party with less religious overtones. Because otherwise there’s no way he’s getting re-elected.

There were claims Family First Senator Steve Fielding wanted to form a new party with less religious overtones. He’s thinking of dropping the “talking in tongues” and replacing it with “taking the minutes”.

There were claims Family First Senator Steve Fielding wanted to form a new party with less religious overtones. Because there’s no way he could create a party with more.

There were claims Family First Senator Steve Fielding wanted to form a new party with less religious overtones. He was planning to call it the “Hail Satan” party. / the “Atheists Totally Rule” party.

Lindsay “LiLo” Lohan picked up a new nickname: “LiLoLesBo”.

Warney slammed the “Shane Warne The Musical”, saying people should have to get permission before they do this sort of stuff, and that it was totally inaccurate – he claims that, when he was banging all those skanky hoes, he didn’t actually sing.

Warney slammed the “Shane Warne The Musical”, saying people should have to get permission before they do this sort of stuff. Like he should’ve got permission from his wife before he rooted all those slappers.

Warney slammed the “Shane Warne The Musical”, saying people should have to get permission before they portray his life in song very accurately.

Shane Warne claimed that the musical based on his life was totally inaccurate. Not enough slap-bass.

Shane Warne claimed that the musical based on his life was totally inaccurate. Apparently Eddie Perfect’s hair is all natural.

Shane Warne claimed that the musical based on his life was totally inaccurate. Though he said he’d forget it if they gave him the number of the chick who played Simone.

Ben Cousins said he was keen to return to top competition. That’s where all the best drugs are.

Ben Cousins said he was keen to return to top competition – especially on the world-level drinking game circuit.

Ben Cousins said he was keen to return to top competition – but then retracted it, claiming that he made the statement when he was off his fucking tits.

In Qld., the National Party merged with the Liberal Party, creating a party of elitist toffs who are also into banging livestock.

In Qld., the National Party merged with the Liberal Party, creating the “Niberal Party”. Don’t ask me what it means – ask the inbred rednecks who created it.

Footy players around the country got hammered while dressed as Spice Girls & Teletubbies for celebrations known as “Mad Monday”, closely followed by “Vomit Tuesday” and “So Humiliated Wednesday”.

Footy players around the country spent Mad Monday getting pissed while dressed as Spice Girls & Teletubbies. It’s such a macho sport.

The Melbourne Storm became the most hated team in rugby league, when really all they should have been aiming for was “trying”.

More than a year after he disappeared, the wreckage of Steve Fossett’s plane was found in the California mountains. Apparently, a message was scrawled on the windshield in blood – “Don’t Worry, I’m Totally Fine”.

More than a year after he disappeared, billionaire Steve Fossett’s wrecked plane was found in the California mountains, not far from his ID and a pile of a thousand dollars. Looks like bribing the black bears didn’t work out for him.

More than a year after he disappeared, billionaire Steve Fossett’s wrecked plane was found in the California mountains. Looks like you can’t bribe turbulence after all.

More than a year after he disappeared, the wreckage of Steve Fossett’s plane was found in the California mountains, filled with snakes and an irate Samuel L Jackson. / in the California mountains. Turned out there were motherfucking snakes on his motherfucking plane.

The Large Hadron Collider was activated, despite fears it may destroy the entire universe, and despite the fact that millions of typos were accidentally calling it the Large Hard-on Collider.

The Large Hadron Collider was activated, despite fears it may destroy the entire universe. After all, many have the same fears about Sarah Palin and John McCain. / many had the same fears about Dubya, and he only managed to destroy four or five countries.

The Large Hadron Collider was activated, but then broke down before it had a chance to create any black holes. They sure don’t make Universe-destroyers like they used to.

The Large Hadron Collider was activated, but ended up not destroying the entire universe at all. So next month, the scientists will be trialling the Death Ray. / Evil Giant Robot. / Radioactive Mutant From Beneath The Sea.