Swine flu! The latest terror sweeping the world!
It’s a mutant strain of human, bird & pig flu. Turns out pigs CAN fly – and they’re mating with us in our sleep!
Phh. Swine flu? Pigs might fly.
But I was always told it was extremely unlikely that swine flu.
And the symptoms are “fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue”. That’s right – we ALL have swine flu! / swine flu is actually the common cold!
Not only does the swine flu appear to have identical symptoms to regular flu, but you don’t actually need to be anywhere near pigs to get it. In fact, the “swine” was just added to get your attention.
Bird flu, horse flu, swine flu – when the “human flu” comes along, we’re going to be fucked.
Some doctors are now calling it “gnu flu”. Seeing as you don’t actually seem to catch it from pigs after all.
Tell you what, I wish they’d told me about this swine flu before I had sex with all those pigs.
The first victims in the U.S. didn’t have any obvious contact with pigs. But, like most Americans, they did eat their slops from a trough. (So maybe it’s that. )
Unfortunately, to catch the pig-bird-person flu, you don’t have to be a pig-bird-person. (Flap – oink – flap -oink.)
In Mexico, there are rumours the outbreak is a govt conspiracy. But the USA would never test out their biological weapons on Mexicans. They’ve got Iraq for that!
In Mexico, there are rumours the outbreak is a govt conspiracy. But the USA would never test out their biological weapons on an unsuspecting people of low socio-economic standing. After all, last time they got caught. / Not any more, anyway…
You can apparently catch swine flu off pigs, or Mexicans. Not racist, just the facts.
You can apparently catch swine flu off pigs, or Mexicans. And if you order the Enchiladas El Porco, you’re just asking for trouble.
Share prices for flu vaccine companies are skyrocketing! So sure, it may kill a few thousand people, but swine flu could be the cure for the global financial crisis!
But who even calls pigs swine anymore? Swine? Sounds like what a superhero calls an evil villain!
The Centre for Disease Control in the U.S. says there’s no evidence the swine flu is a biological weapon, except that it’s been caused by a swine – and we all know the greatest swine around: Osama!
Govt. labs are on standby to produce a vaccine within 10 weeks which could protect every Australian. And, hopefully, turn them into mindless zombie slaves! But shhhh…
The Centre for Disease Control in the U.S. says there’s no evidence the swine flu is a biological weapon. So that makes me think it IS – why come out of the blue and say “this is not a biological weapon”? Did anyone think it WAS? WHAT’S GOING ON? AAAAAAAAARGGHH!!!!!
I don’t want to be killed by swine flu! I wanted to be killed by SARS.
OH NO! This swine flu could be as bad as SARS! Or the Millenium Bug!
***
Pirates! They tried to hijack a cruise ship the other day, but were turned back by the passengers throwing deckchairs at them. The armies of the world need to learn – less hi-tech weapons, more garden furniture!
You can’t sail anywhere these days without being attacked by pirates. Ever since they closed down their torrent site, they’ve been forced to do their downloading at cutlass-point!
Six Somali pirates tried to hijack a cruise ship. Come on now – a cruise ship? Oh yeah, Captain Blood, terrorising the world on Fairstar the Funship.
Six Somali pirates tried to hijack a cruise ship. Probably a good thing they didn’t succeed. The fearsome Blackbeard would make you walk the plank but he’s too busy playing deck volleyball. / too busy trying to pick up in the disco.
The cruise ship pirates were driven off when passengers started throwing deckchairs at them. Because who wants to take over a cruise ship without deckchairs? / They certainly weren’t intending to bring their own deckchairs.
The Somali pirate commander said they failed to seize the ship “for technical reasons.” The ship was decked out with PCs and they are strictly Mac. / Their AK-47s weren’t compatible with the ship’s USB ports. / They were technically out numbered a thousand to six.
The Somali said hijacking such a big ship would have been “a landmark in piracy.” They were only doing it to get in the Guiness Book of Records. / But it looks like Pirate Wisden can remain as is for now.
The hijackers had such grand plans. Once they had command of the cruise ship, they were going to crash it into the Pentagon!
Six pirates tried to hijack a cruise ship. They mistook all the hawaian shirts for parrot feathers, and assumed it was another pirate ship . I guess they thought the diving pool was for keelhaulin’. / making ‘em walk the plank.
Pirates are currently holding at least 17 ships and 300 hostages, and will continue to up their activities until someone shows them where the damn treasure’s buried.
But why is this still going on? Let’s make it simple.
Somalia: small, poor, and starving;
Rest of the world: big, fat, and rich.
Make sense now?
***
Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Zardari says Osama bin Laden could be dead. And is in no way a puppet-master controlling him from behind, oh no no no, hah, perish the thought.
Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Zardari says Osama bin Laden is most likely dead. And certainly isn’t running Pakistan from behind the scenes. Ooh, what’s that over there?
Osama’s dead? Then who’s running the White House?
But if bin Laden’s dead, al-Qaeda could fall into the hands of extremists!
Zardari said that if bin Laden isn’t dead, he’s sure good at hiding.
Zardari said most of al-Qaeda’s other leaders were also continuing to evade capture. “So we’re assuming they’re dead too.”
Wow – I guess if bin Laden’s dead we’ve won the war on terror and we’re all safe! Hooray!
Osama could be dead. Or he might be in Pakistan. Or he might be dead in Pakistan. Or not. One thing for sure, we don’t know where he is. If he is anywhere at all. Hmm. Turns out this isn’t actually news after all, is it.
But don’t forget – he’s the master of disguise! He’s probably just DISGUISED as dead. Or maybe he’s just disguised as missing. It’s so hard to tell.
He could very well be dead. After all, it’s hard to do mouth-to-mouth when you can’t find the patient. / to do mouth-to-mouth under all that beard. Especially when you can’t find the rest of the patient.
US officials say they have no trace of bin Laden, and that they believe he’s in Pakistan. And I have no trace of Bigfoot, and believe he’s in Paris. Ooh, this is easy!
Is it any surprise no-one’s found Osama? After all, no-one’s found the boogeyman either.
He could very well be alive and well and living in Pakistan. But, condisering no-one actually has any idea WHERE he is, he could very well be alive and well and living with the Easter Bunny in a castle made of frozen gummi bears on the other side of the rainbow.
It should be easy to find Osama. He’s hiding just behind the Weapons of Mass Destruction.
No-one can confirm whether or not he exists. Kinda like the Loch Ness Monster, or Jesus.
Security analysts believe that, if bin Laden HAD died, they would’ve picked up some talk of it on jihadist websites. Or read about it in the MX.
Of course Osama’s dead. The Coalition caught him in that foxhole and then hanged him. (That WAS him, wasn’t it?)
Zadari said US officials had told him they had no trace of bin Laden and yet claimed he was most likely in Pakistan. Unless he has some magical power of flight! / After all, he couldn’t have caught a plane; those al-Qaeda pilots don’t know how to land. / If you’ve ever seen an al-Qaeda pilot land you’d be pretty sure he hasn’t caught a flight out of there.
Of course he’s still in Pakistan! As if he could have escaped within the last eight years. Preposterous.
Zadari said, “There is no news.” Which won’t stop people reporting it as if there is. / So it’s probably best to assume the major threat to his nuclear stockpile and global security is dead. Case closed, world safe, phew that was a close one. / And in Pakistan, no news is must-be-dead news.
Zardari said, “I want to assure the world that the nuclear capacity of Pakistan is under safe hands.” He’s got it guarded by a nice bearded gentleman called Ogroucho bin Marxen. / John bin Citizen.
He’s almost certain that bin Laden’s dead, because he can’t see why else he wouldn’t have seized control of Pakistan and created a nuclear nightmare by now. OK, he’s either dead or really busy.
He’s almost certain that bin Laden’s dead, because otherwise he would be silently and secretly seizing control of Pakistan’s nuclear weapons, from which point he would be able to threaten the world with unleashing an atomic apocalypse of unparalleled destruction. And that’d totally suck.
Bin Laden’s either dead, or it’s just really easy to escape the entire world’s combined intelligence networks when you’re a 52-year-old diabetic hooked up to a dialysis machine in one of the poorest countries on the planet. And that’s something the CIA just doesn’t want to face.
Zadari says the terrorist leader’s bin Laden to rest.
