Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars, singing & dancing & sitting on the laps of older men. Still channelling the spirit of Peter Allen, I see.
One critic said he performed like “a cheesy cruise-ship entertainer”. Which explains why everyone was throwing up – they were just seasick.
Hugh Jackman copped a caning from US critics for his Oscar hosting role. But then they didn’t have to sit through Richard Wilkins on the red carpet.
Some US critics blasted Hugh Jackman’s performance as host of the Oscars. They should wait till next year, when the job goes to Richard Wilkins.
Some US critics blasted Hugh Jackman’s Oscar hosting job. He sounded far too much like a foreigner. / If he’s going to speak like that, he should stick to the Best Foreign Film category.
One critic said he was “a thrifty choice for a recession-era Oscars night”, which was of course the point of the cardboard props and hammy songs. But maybe the critic missed that.
One critic said he was “a thrifty choice for a recession-era Oscars night”. They were able to pay him in Aussie dollars.
The New York Times described Jackman as “the hosting equivalent of a value meal”. Apparently he comes with free coke.
Another said he was a thrifty choice for a recession-era Oscars night – the hosting equivalent of a value meal. I just hope they got fries with that.
Heath Ledger won the Academy Award for his role as the Joker in “The Dark Knight”. And I agree – he certainly is a much better actor dead. / He’s finally got a good excuse for acting so wooden.
Heath Ledger won the Academy Award for his role as the Joker in “The Dark Knight”. The last actor to win a posthumous Oscar was Australia’s Peter Finch, for “Network” in 1977. (sigh) If only John Wood/Russell Crowe/Kylie Minogue were dead.
Nicole Kidman is miffed. Anyone who saw Australia would assume she was dead. / She’s proven she can play as stiff as anyone. / Her acting’s at least as dead as Heath Ledger’s.
Being dead is no obstacle to winning an Oscar. Which is good news for Attila the Hun.
Environment Minister Peter Garrett revealed Midnight Oil would reform for a bushfire benefit gig in Melbourne on March 14. Because he’ll be damned if he’s going to do anything morally sound as a politician. / Because he refuses to do anything ethical as a politician.
Environment Minister Peter Garrett revealed Midnight Oil would reform for a bushfire benefit gig in Melbourne on March 14. For that one day, he can pretend he still has principles.
Environment Minister Peter Garrett revealed Midnight Oil would reform for a bushfire benefit gig in Melbourne on March 14; featuring hits like “The Power and No Passion”, “Pick Up That Weapon” and “Blue Sky Mill”. / and “Blue Sky Mine: Approved!” / and “The Blue Sky Mining Company Appears To Have Complied With All The Designated Environmental Impact Statements And Therefore May Proceed With Development”.
Kevin Rudd has approved of Garrett’s appearance with the Oils, so long as he keeps his mouth shut. / doesn’t sing any of those extremist lyrics.
Pauline Hanson announced her 412th attempt to return to politics, saying she’d run as an independent in the upcoming Qld. election. If it weren’t for elections, she’d have nothing to do!
Of course she’s not intending to win, just to get the big pile of money that candidates are given for monopolising the redneck vote.
Pauline’s also having a movie made about her: Please Explain, so perhaps she’s just angling for a sequel: Pauline 2 – Still Requiring Explanation.
The government announced an inquiry into the emissions trading scheme, then called it off a week later. The climate must have changed.
The govt. called yet another inquiry into their own emissions trading scheme, then called it off a week later. The idea is, by the time the actual inquiry takes place, we’ll either have already solved the problem, or we’ll all be dead.
The Government are now launching an enquiry into why the enquiry was called off. Though it will be called off.
Meanwhile the National Party started shouting that there’s no such thing as climate change. And they’ll keep saying that until every last one of their voters lies choking in the dust.
The National Party have come out suggesting that there is no such thing as climate change. Although they admit there is such a thing as political climate change.
Of course, the real problem is that, when the climate changes, Rudd will be stuck with that funny face forever.
Tony Abbott labelled Kevin Rudd a “toxic bore”, and when Rudd was asked about it he droned on about the economic crisis, how things were better in his day and that the kids of today didn’t know how good they had it.
Tony Abbott labelled Kevin Rudd a “toxic bore”, which hopefully means we may be able to bury carbon in him.
Tony Abbott labelled Kevin Rudd a “toxic bore”. After all, he’d know. / Says Mr Excitement.
Rudd was so insulted that he had to have a lie down, a cup of tea and an iced vovo.
Deputy Prime Minister Julia Gillard referred to the Opposition’s Chris Pyne as a mincing poodle & Tony Abbott as a macho pit-bull. How insulting. Dogs may eat their own shit, but they’d never get involved in politics.
Julia Gillard called Tony Abbott a “macho pit-bull” and Tony replied that Julia was the Government’s best Parliamentary performer. He loves a bitch on heat. / No-one’s ever called him “macho” before.
Julia Gillard described Tony Abbott as a macho pit-bull. Oh yeah, he’s so macho. Like a weasel.
Julia Gillard described Tony Abbott as a macho pit-bull. Whereas he always reminded me more of an elephant-weasel.
It’s all very well for Julia to compare Liberal men to poodles and pit-bulls. She knows if they used similar terms for her they’d be reprimanded for being sexist. What a bitch.
The Catholic Church continued to have a jolly good time. In Brisbane, the Bishop who sacked the so-called rebel priest Father Peter Kennedy got a bomb threat. Which is okay as long as the bomber confesses later on. / felt really guilty.
1500 people attended Father Kennedy’s morning mass,
although that may only be because Father Kennedy’s morning mass comes with a morning masseuse. And a happy finish!
1500 people turned up to rebel Catholic priest Father Peter Kennedy’s morning mass. Because the Catholics might hate them, but gays, women and the disadvantaged just can’t get enough of that guilt.
And in Rome, the Pope, who seems to think the Church needs more Holocaust deniers, was accused of governing like a monarch, surrounding himself with obsequious collaborators, failing to consult & ignoring advice when he does. Then again, he is the Pope. / Then again, he is the mouthpiece of God. He’s kinda got a mandate there.
And in Rome, the Pope was accused of governing like a monarch, surrounding himself with obsequious collaborators, failing to consult & ignoring advice when he does. Hmm, sounds like the kinda thing God would do. / At least he’s not smiting his enemies or raining down fire and brimstone upon the innocent, unlike his boss. / unlike some people…
Catholics have accused the Pope of governing like a monarch. Not nearly dictatorial enough.
Catholics have accused the Pope of governing like a monarch, when he should be governing like the mouthpiece of God. / like a demiurge.
Catholics have accused the Pope of governing like a monarch, when he’s supposed to be governing like a dictator chosen by God via coloured smoke.
One Vatican watcher says Benedict is ruling from the top of the mainmast & “doesn’t have the experience of holding the rudder”. Because, really, the Vatican is just like a boat. A really expensive religious boat the size of a city, with no sails or anchor or mizzenmast, stuck on dry land. Hmm.
One Vatican watcher says Benedict is ruling from the top of the mainmast & “doesn’t have the experience of holding the rudder”. Of course, anyone who says so is made to walk the plank. / is keelhauled. Ahar!
Not only was Benedict accused of never holding the rudder, but Kevin Rudd was accused of never holding the poper. Though he does have a pooper-scooper. Not sure if that counts.
According to the Surgeon General of the Australian Defence Force, 14% of our troops are officially fat. Although, to be fair, some of them are just fat in the head. / brain.
According to the Surgeon General of the Australian Defence Force, 14% of our troops are officially fat. And 26% are dumb and ugly.
According to the Surgeon General of the Australian Defence Force, 14% of our troops are officially fat. But it’s a deliberate strategy – the plan is to take out insurgents just by parachuting out of planes and landing on them. / Muslim extremists refuse to kill pigs.
But a fat military is a good idea! Line them up around the border and bounce back the intruders!
The navy has the highest number of obese personnel, followed by the army & air force. Our navy: not so much super-fit military unit, more Fairstar the Funship.
In the navy, you can sail the seven seas,
In the navy, though you’re morbidly obese,
In the navy, another helping’s sure to please,
In the navy, in the navy.
In the navy, top it off with wine and cheese,
In the navy, try some lard fried up in grease,
In the navy, type 2 diabetes,
In the navy, in the navy…
Al Qaida has taken up the obesity strategy as well – after all, if you’re too fat, they can’t fit you on the waterboard. / they can’t fit you in the orange jumpsuit. / they can’t fit the hood on.
Nevada hosted the 2009 International UFO Congress, as a CNN tape surfaced showing a small, dark object racing across the Washington sky during Barack Obama’s inauguration. But it turned out not to be a UFO at all, but just a message of support fired from the grassy knoll.
Now they’ve had a black President, the aliens figure a green President can’t be far off.
Although it turned out that it was just Dick Cheney heading back to his home planet.
A member of the Californian govt. announced he was introducing legislation that would not only legalise marijuana, but allow the state to tax the $20 billion a year industry. If he thought that’d get through, he must’ve been stoned out of his mind.
The idea came as an anonymous tip from a person only identified as “Phelpsy”.
Schwarzenegger thinks it’s a great way of ensuring he’ll keep getting elected. “Dude, I’m voting for the Terminator!”
This way, stoners actually pay tax.
Should bring it to Oz. It’d be great to be able to pop down to the milk bar for some Winnie Greens.
The Pentagon revealed 1 in 10 detainees released from Guantanamo Bay returns to terrorism. To reduce the figure, they’re determined to arrest more innocent people.
The Pentagon revealed 1 in 10 detainees released from Guantanamo Bay returns to terrorism. As opposed to the 1 in 20 who were terrorists to begin with.
The Pentagon revealed 1 in 10 detainees released from Guantanamo Bay becomes involved in terrorism. Especially if they were innocent beforehand.
I’m not sure about the reliability of these figures. After all, this is the same intelligence service that brought you Iraq’s WMD and the precise whereabouts of Osama.
The White House is still trying to work out what to do with all the remaining inmates. Perhaps they can be employed by the Pentagon as intelligence agents. Couldn’t do worse… / After all, they probably knew that Iraq didn’t have WMD and may even have some chance of working out where Osama is.
The Pentagon assures us that 1 in 10 detainees go straight back into terrorism. Well, how about instead of quoting us figures, they maybe do something about it? / Ah, the Pentagon – good with statistics, not so good with actually preventing any terrorism.
The Pentagon assures us that 1 in 10 Guantanamo Bay detainees go straight back into terrorism. It’s a good thing they’ve kept up to date with their regular “Are you a terrorist” post-release surveys.
