The star of al Qaeda’s latest video is suspected to be former Aussie soldier Mathew Stewart.
(play video) Isn’t that guy off “Pizza”?
He definitely seems like an Australian. Not only does he have a distinct Aussie accent, but an esky filled with explosives and a thong-bomb.
“Yeah, it looks like him,” said his old friend Adam Miechel. “And he’s wearing his Mum’s old curtains. I’d recognise them anywhere.”
“As you kill us, you’ll be killed. As you bomb us, you’ll be bombed. And mum, it was a big mistake to bury me.”
“As you kill us, you’ll be killed. As you bomb us, you’ll be bombed. And woe betide anyone who beats me at cricket.”
“As you kill us, you’ll be killed. As you bomb us, you’ll be bombed. Oh, and does anyone know how Australia’s going in the Ashes? The reception here’s shithouse.”
After Mrs. Stewart’s claim that Mathew was dead, John Howard was shocked. “Those terrorists are recruiting the undead now! That’s just not fair.”
His mum’s a proper loony by the sounds of things. She denies that it’s him in the video. “No, he’s dead! I know because I had a funeral with an empty grave! Now stop asking me questions, don’t you know I’m dead too?”
“We buried him,” cried his distraught mother. “Now, not only does he come back from the dead, but he’s fighting for al Qaeda! Couldn’t he just eat brains?” / Couldn’t he just eat brains like the other zombies?”
“He’s not my son! The terrorist says quite clearly that he’s the son of Islam. And my name’s Vicki.”
“He’s not my son! The terrorist says quite clearly that he’s the son of Islam. And his father’s name is Ishmael Mohammed Jihad Durkha Durkha Allah Osama Abdullah. Not Islam.”
“He’s not my son! The terrorist says quite clearly that he’s the son of Islam. But Mathew’s his nephew. Speak to his Uncle Islam, he’ll tell you the same!”
“He’s not my son! The terrorist says quite clearly that he’s the son of Islam. But I’ve never even met Cat Stevens!”
In a second video, the ocker al Qaeda operative said that Osama was a “bloody ripper”, that the Iraq war was “a bit of a blue over nothing I reckon” and that President Bush was a “flaming mongrel”.
“Allah Ackbar! …and carn the Pies!”
The terrorist also revealed his motivation for joining al Qaeda. “It was mostly for the virgins, mate. Al Qaeda was offering 72 for every suicide bombing – I asked the US but they couldn’t even drum up a single virgin! Pathetic.”
Hearing that it was an Australian they were after, the US military are attempting to lure him out by throwing a prawn on the barbie.
Hearing that it was an Australian they were after, the US military have rounded up every Australian they know of. So far it’s Steve Irwin.
Hearing that it was an Australian they were after, the US military have rounded up every Australian they know of. So far it’s Steve Irwin and Nicole Kidman… although her accent is allowed to remain free.
He was in the Australian Army before joining al Qaeda, which makes sense; it’s only a small step from working for the Oz Army to working for Osamie…
The Yanks trained Osama, we trained Jihad Mikey here… an al Qaeda spokesman said, “We’re actually closing down our training camps. You guys do a much better job.”
US forces found documents identifying Stewart as an al Qaeda recruit during a raid on a terrorist training camp, including his Terrorist License, his Bachelor of Bombing and his Improvised Explosives badge.
Apparently the mystery terrorist also made a copy of his video with sound effects and a wacky voice-over, and won first prize on Funniest Home Videos…
We’re seeing more Australian terrorists as a result of Osama’s new recruitment strategy; best terrorist wins a slab!
The mystery terrorist’s video is interesting, but if you get the DVD you also get the outtakes, and a great commentary by Osama himself! 4 stars.
