A 4.5 metre crocodile, dubbed Croczilla, was captured lurking near a Cape York Peninsula school. Or, as the croc thinks of it, “an all-you-can-eat buffet”. / “a restaurant”. / “the best butcher in town”. The croc they caught is 4.5 metres long and weighs 500 kilos – and you should see the one that got […]
Author: Wok and Mat
Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.
A surgeon has devised a way to add up to 5cm to a person’s height by inserting a silicone head implant. Because a huge deformed forehead is an excellent way to draw attention away from how short you are. If you’re not tall enough, you can now get a head-implant shoved in between your skull […]
One in five scientists have admitted using performance-enhancing prescription drugs to “improve concentration”. And another two in five use non-prescription drugs to “numb the boredom”. One in five scientists have admitted using drugs to “improve concentration”. And the other four use them to “get fucked up”. / “get high.” / “blow their minds”. Most of […]
Dubai’s crown prince has paid a record US$2.7 million for the world’s most beautiful camel. It’s worth it for the humping. It may well be the most beautiful camel in the world, but it’s still a fuckin camel. Dubai’s crown prince has paid a record US$2.7 million for the world’s most beautiful camel. And the […]
Australians are increasingly seeing their doctors for depression and anxiety caused by news about climate change. Remember, for every centimetre the sea levels rise, sixty-two species become extinct and nine hundred people go loopy. Rather than worrying about climate change and getting depressed, people should take positive action and kill themselves. Climate change can look […]
Tues, April 29 And on Tuesday, 238 years after Captain James Cook dropped his anchor in Botany Bay, several snorklers will find it. Jackie Kelly’s husband and other Liberal Party members involved in the fake election flyer scandal will do a listening tour of Sydney’s courts. In Sydney, disgraced Liberals will appear in court over […]
Nationals MP Shane Knuth wants to devote a day to ridding Queensland of the dreaded cane toad, called the Toad Day Out. Of course if it’s anything like the Big Day Out, attendees would be less likely to kill toads and more likely to lick them. Surely the best way to rid ourselves of cane […]
Ah, the 2020 Summit, or as I think of it, The Summit of All Fears. Where 1000 of Australia’s best and brightest made their way to Canberra so there’d be nothing to distract them. Who would have thought that so many of the nation’s brightest could combine to create something so dull? It was originally […]
Hundreds of Chinese Australians are being asked to rally and defend the Olympic torch from pro-Tibetan protestors when the torch arrives in Canberra on Wednesday. That’s right, we’re going to have a good old-fashioned protest-off! Grab your popcorn. The Chinese Australians hope to protect the torch from pro-Tibetan protestors. They’re kind of anti-protest protestors. Unfortunately […]
The government’s wanting to protect us from cyberterrorists by giving companies the power to read employees’ email without consent. Although only if they employ terrorists. Or have some other reason. Well, I guess we’re all safe from terrorism now. Now the boss can read our email, at last we’ve won the War on Terror. There […]