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Good News Week

Pig Party Poopers (Good News Week 10/3/08: Upcut)

Victorian police want to issue permits for all under-age parties. They never get to hang out with the cool kids. Victorian police want to issue permits for all under-age parties. They wanna know where all the hot school-girls hang out. / They wanna know where they can palm off a few grams of leaf as […]

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Good News Week

Good Next Week (Good News Week 10/3/08: closing)

Brendan Nelson’s popularity drops to 7% – the only people who like him now is his mum and three guys from the Klan. Brendan Nelson’s popularity drops to 7%, due to China’s ban on make-believe monsters. Because of his low popularity, Brendan Nelson says he’s “the underdog” – the mangy incontinent underdog with rabies. After […]

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Good News Week

Too many Ruddy committees (Good News Week 3/3/08: monologue)

The Opposition have accused Kevin Rudd of forming committees rather than making decisions, saying he’d formed 25 committees in his first hundred days of office. Rudd immediately said he’d look into it, forming the Committee Committee. / Rudd established a committee to look into it. / Rudd immediately formed another 25 committees to look into […]

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Good News Week

Alcohol ads are bad mmkay? (Good News Week 3/3/08: monologue)

Alcohol ads should be banned before 9pm, says Family First Senator Steve Fielding. Of course, he was very drunk at the time… Family First senator Steve Fielding wants to ban alcohol advertising on TV before 9pm. What, even on weekends? Senator, that’s unAustralian! Family First senator Steve Fielding wants to ban daytime alcohol ads, sex […]

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Good News Week

MP wage freeze (Good News Week 3/3/08: What’s the Story?)

Kevin Rudd and Brendan Nelson have agreed on an 18 month pay freeze for all Parliamentarians. It’s all very well for Rudd to freeze his salary when he just got a $100,000 raise for becoming PM. Plus the enormous raise in POWER. Kevin Rudd and Brendan Nelson have agreed on an 18 month pay freeze […]

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Good News Week

Guns don’t kill people, students kill people (Good News Week 3/3/08: What’s the Story?)

A group of students is lobbying to be allowed to carry guns to protect themselves against campus gunmen. Honestly, these people are stupid and must be killed. Hey, that gives me an idea… They also believe everyone who doesn’t carry a weapon should be terminated. It’s for their own good. Bush approves. It’s like a […]

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Good News Week

Ballet cops (Good News Week 3/3/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

Cops in Budapest are taking ballet lessons. Not only will the lessons develop their muscle strength and make their movements more graceful, but it enables passersby to clearly see the outline of their penises. Since they’ve started the lessons, there’s been a marked increase in the apprehension of criminal swans. While it does make traffic […]

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Good News Week

Goldfish have good wotsinames (Good News Week 3/3/08: So You Think You Can Mime)

A 15 year old Adelaide student has proven that fish have memories of at least six days, contrary to the rumour that their memories were three seconds. Huh, as if they could survive with… only a… Sorry, what was I talking about? Goldfish have released a press release, saying “it’s about time our memory was […]

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Good News Week

Totally true magazines (Good News Week 3/3/08: Dishing the Dirt)

Lleyton and Rove complained that the magazine just make things up. And then, according to the Womans’ Weekly, they went off and had a drug-crazed sexy nightclub romp with the Olsen Twins – and gained 10 kilos! Rove McManus and Lleyton Hewitt have accused Women’s Day of making up stories about them. Apparently they never […]

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Good News Week

Keira’s brushed-up breasts (Good News Week 3/3/08: Dishing the Dirt)

Keira Knightley has revealed she had her boobs painted on for her buxom role in Pirates of the Caribbean. She’s actually a man. / And they digitally removed nearly all of her cock. / And they digitally removed her five-o’clock-shadow. Make-up artists also did a great job of concealing her beard. Not only did Keira […]