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Last week’s news… (The Glass House 8/3/06)

HOWARD DECADE Celebrating ten years as Prime Minister, John Howard said that it was an occasion to be celebrated in a “contained, serious and sober fashion.” He’s right: 10 years of Howard is about as serious and sober as it gets. Tickets to John Howard’s 10 year bash were $1000 each. That buys you a […]

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The Canonical List Of Aussie Values (The Glass House 8/3/06)

And now a canonical list of the Aussie values that John Howard and Peter Costello would like to see restored. * Whiteness * Having money * Going to a reputable college * Believing in “Australian values” * Knowing the names of the entire Australian XI * A deep-seated love of Phar Lap * Idolising bushrangers […]

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Thumbing Vandals (The Glass House 8/3/06)

Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman has told a television audience that he thinks that the solution to the city’s graffiti problem might be to punish offenders with a “thumbing” – cutting their thumb off on TV. Not only does it set an example for other potential graffitists, it also addresses Las Vegas’ critical thumb shortage. […]

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Batman vs Bin Laden (The Glass House 1/3/06)

Batman is set battle Osama bin Laden in Frank Miller’s new graphic novel Holy Terror, Batman! Good to see someone‘s still chasing him… In the comic, mild-mannered Al Qaeda is bitten by a radioactive Koran, and turns into… OSAMAMAN. Dubya thinks it’s a great idea. “I don’t know where they’ve put the Bat-phone, but as […]

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All the news that’s fit to blab (The Glass House 22/2/06)

DEAD CENTRELINK Centrelink has agreed to overhaul its records after an audit found almost 1.5 million of its clients are dead. No wonder they’re unemployed… Bloody dole bludgers, lying around all day, decomposing… Rather than correct the mistake, Centrelink are launching a new initiative: “Rot For The Dole”. Apparently half of the people who work […]

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Aussies hate Yanks (The Glass House 22/2/06)

The latest global poll of opinions about the USA found 60% of Australians have a negative opinion of America, while only 29% are positive. That’s dropped from 40% positive the year before; but that was probably back when we still thought they wouldn’t vote for that douchebag president again. Even though only 29% of Australians […]

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Assault by light tap on the shoulder (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Australian tourist Pauline Clayton has escaped with a minimal fine after pleading guilty to assaulting a Texan woman by tapping her on the shoulder. The court case was a fiery affair; the woman later charged the stenographer with multiple counts of aggravated assault on her stenograph. The incident occurred during a screening of Brokeback Mountain […]

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You can’t take it with you, so spend it (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Only 23 per cent of Australian workers plan to leave savings intact to pass on to their children, making Australia one of the stingiest nations on Earth. Except when it comes to wheat kickbacks of course. 30% of Aussie retirees actively seek pleasure, while the other 70% just sit in their armchairs and wait for […]

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Holding Hands to Health (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Scientists have discovered that holding hands with your partner causes immediate relief and lowers stress levels. This may have seemed obvious to you and I, but scientists discovered it by electrocuting women. Yeah, good work guys. An alternative explanation is that by holding hands the women are just halving the amount of current passing through […]

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2nd-rate Media Watch (The Glass House 22/2/06)

NEWS FOOTAGE: BACKYARD WRESTLING; KIDS BREAK FLUORO TUBES, JUMP OFF LADDERS & BASH EACH OTHER WITH FOLDING CHAIRS Add a wacky sound-effect and that wins Funniest Home Videos for sure. I don’t why they used the bleep instead of the usual “ba-doing!” They’re just playing an updated version of “Cops & Robbers”: “Guantanamo Bay Guards […]