A secret list of hand luggage banned from aircraft will be made public after Europe’s highest court granted compensation to a man banned from a flight for trying to take his tennis racquets on board. Admittedly it was John McEnroe.
Tennis racquets were on a secret list of banned objects, along with headbands and 70’s afros. They just really don’t want McEnroe travelling with them again.
It’s not just tennis racquets that are banned from hand luggage – strictly no ball-boys.
He wasn’t allowed to take his tennis racquets in his hand-luggage, but the ballboys were fine.
But taking tennis racquets in hand luggage IS suspicious. Personally, I’ve never heard of anyone practicing their serve on board who wasn’t a terrorist.
Other sporting gear like skate-boards, golf clubs and fishing rods are also banned in the confidential EU regulation. Whereas over here, you’re banned from flying if you don’t have any sporting equipment – that’s clearly unAustralian.
Also on the secret list are ping pong bats, totem tennis, and Boggle. I mean, who knows what secret messages they’re sending with that thing?
Not only has a tennis-player recently been stopped because of his racquets, but a weapons manufacturer was recently stopped because of his surface-to-air ballistic missiles. / but a butcher was stopped with half a cow. / but a butcher was stopped with three sheep’s heads and a bag of mince. / but a basketballer was stopped because of his balls.
The manufacturer of the tennis racquets was also stopped from boarding, and isn’t allowed to fly until he stops making such a racket.
They should be nice to tennis players. Tennis players love all.
It wasn’t the racquets that annoyed the airline staff, it was that he kept trying to jump the net.
Apparently Osama’s a demon on the court. / once you get him into tiny white shorts and a headband.
It’s a necessary move, as nearly all terrorists have an unabiding love of the shuttlecock.
But imagine the violence a terrorist armed with a tennis racquet could cause! …Oh, yeah, right, okay, no, I see his point now.
They weren’t worried that he’d use the racquets to harm anyone – they were just concerned that a window might be broken on first serve. / if he aced too hard. / if he tried a lob. / if he chucked a tanty.
Ever since September 11, airline security have been terrified of someone taking a tennis racquet on board and lobbing a deadly backhand.
Because once the terrorists are into tennis, it’s not long before they’ll be embracing polo, cucumber sandwiches and the western bourgeoisie. And we can’t have that.
Admittedly they were fully-automatic tennis racquets.
Not only was he not allowed to board, but he was strip-searched. His balls were clearly out.
They’ve scaled back the regulations, so that now tennis racquets are only banned if they’ve got a huge sweet spot. / if they’re explosive. / if they’re used to encourage terrorism.
A tennis racquet may seem innocuous enough, but until you’ve been on the receiving end of a Roger Federer serve, you don’t know how dangerous it can be.
Of course, if he’d been flying first class, they’d not only have supplied him with racquets, but challenged him to a mid-flight set. / but with a couple of ballboys.
But the good news is, they did prevent another cataclysmic terrorist attack being planned by the Munich Tennis Club.
It all started when he asked for a glass of deuce.
The racquets weren’t actually a terrorist threat, they were just oversized.
Tennis racquets were on a secret list of banned objects – a list so secret that many of the objects are actually allowed. / a list so secret that no-one actually knows what’s really on it.
Also on the banned-list are passengers. And airlines have never been safer! / Also on the list of things-not-allowed-on-aircraft are passengers. And airlines have never been safer!
Of course, with the list of banned items being secret, customs officials can just make stuff up. “Sorry mate, you’re not getting on board with that novel. Strictly no Dan Brown.” / Strictly no Harry Potter.” / Sorry mate, no babies.” / you’re wife’s ugly.” / not with those shoes.” / it’s black tie tonight.” / it’s members’ only.” / private party.”
The secret list is perfect for catching secret terrorists.
The secret list has been working in eliminating terrorism, it’s just that no-one knows it.
The problem with the secret list is that no-one knows how well it’s working.
The secret list is to stop secret terrorists, who also have secret lists of demands that must be met, or they’ll do something… secret.
The European Advocate-General said the court should go further than declaring the regulation invalid and declare it nonexistent. And anyone already charged under the regulation is to be declared delusional and locked up.
