Secret files about UFOs have been released to the public by the British Ministry of Defence. Not only are the files full of first-hand accounts of alien creatures and strange lights in the sky, but they may explain once-and-for-all the odd behaviour of the Gallagher brothers. / the secret truth behind David Bowie. / the odd look in Margaret Thatcher’s eyes.
The British Ministry of Defence has released the secret files on UFO sightings between 1978 and 1987. That’s when the aliens took over. / Those were the only years the aliens would allow them to release. / Because after 1987, the truth is too horrifying for the general public to be able to handle.
For cases after 1987, the most credible source remains “The X-Files”.
The files have all been released on the web for anyone to read, although after you have some Men in Black come around and wipe your memory. / and wipe your computer’s memory.
The released files include all reports made about UFOs except for a few made by people who are no longer around to object. / suggest otherwise.
One man provided great detail on his physical and psychic contact with green aliens. One of them, called Algar, was killed by another race in 1981 as he was about to make contact with the UK Government. Apparently it was better to kill Algar than risk being exposed to the most evil creature of them all, a beast known only as The Thatcher. / The Iron Lady.
One man provided great detail on his physical and psychic contact with green aliens. One of them, called Algar, was killed by another race in 1981 as he was about to make contact with the UK Government. Apparently, if Algar had been able to speak to the UK government, we’d’ve had the Spice Girls a decade earlier. / they’d’ve been able to put a stop to Stock, Aiken and Waterman. / they’d’ve been able to stop Rick Astley from ever happening.
One account tells of a 78-year-old man who was shown around a spacecraft, then, once the aliens knew his age, was unceremoniously booted out, the extraterrestrials telling him he was “too old and too infirm” for their purposes. The probe works best when the buttocks are still springy. / They didn’t want to damage their probe on his crusty old haemorrhoids. / Their delicate probes could’ve been damaged by the man’s gnarled old anus. / The probe doesn’t work properly on colostomy bags.
One account tells of a 78-year-old man who was shown around a spacecraft, then, once the aliens knew his age, was unceremoniously booted out, the extraterrestrials telling him he was “too old and too infirm” for their purposes. They wanted to get jiggy. / They wanted a man who could go all night long. / Their hot’n’horny alien breeding-babes prefer someone a little younger. / They said he would never be able to satisfy their hot’n’horny alien breeding-babes. The man protested all the way back to Earth…
A 78 year old man claims he was taken on board a ship in 1983, before being told “You may go. You are too old and infirm for our purpose.” Apparently they were moving house and needed someone to help with the couch. / pianola. / Apparently they needed someone who still hadn’t already had their spirit broken.
Another letter in the files asks what the official response is to alien invasion. According to the Ministry of Defence, the response is to run screaming, trying to dodge the death-rays. / is to Duck and Cover. / is to run around shrieking “The aliens are here! The aliens are here!” until they blow you up.
Another letter in the files asks what the official response is to alien invasion. According to the Ministry of Defence, the official response is to take them to your leader.
Another letter in the files asks what the official response is to alien invasion. According to the Ministry of Defence, the official response is to deny there actually is an alien invasion, and to then try to distract the general public by releasing old files from the archives.
Another letter in the files asks what the official response is to alien invasion. According to the Ministry of Defence, the official response is to deny the alien invasion is actually happening, and to call it something vague to fool the public, like say, the “War on Terror”.
There are several reports from police officers about moving objects with flashing lights, many of which they use to get to the scene. / though many of these turned out to be police cars.
A British UFO expert said the most common explanations for UFO sightings were aircraft lights, bright stars and planets, and interplanetary species abducting people.
An official 1979 brief from the Ministry of Defence’s Lord Strabolgi says “Let me assure this house that Her Majesty’s government has never been approached by people from outer space. They come from the Hollow Earth.” / another dimension.” / Dimension X.” / the cities on the Moon.”
An official 1979 brief from the Ministry of Defence’s Lord Strabolgi says “Let me assure this house that Her Majesty’s government has never been approached by people from outer space. We always run away before they get a chance.” / We shoot the little blighters before they get a chance.”
“Her Majesty’s government has never been approached by people from outer space. They were more like lizards.” / I’d hardly call them people.” / Well, certainly not OUR kind of people.”
A 1979 government briefing said that the idea of an intergovernmental conspiracy of silence was “the most astonishing and the most flattering claim of all”. After all, government ministers were all too old and infirm for their purpose.
A 1979 government briefing said that the idea of an intergovernmental conspiracy of silence was “the most astonishing and the most flattering claim of all”. Oh how they wished they could coordinate an alien conspiracy! But no, back to consulting with civil servants on budget cuts.
During the Cold War, once it was determined that a UFO was not a Soviet aircraft, the military did no further investigation. They figured if it actually was a hostile alien ship then the Poms would just surrender meekly.
In 1979, the House of Lords was told that there was no evidence to suggest that unexplained sightings in the sky were alien spacecraft. In fact they’re probably just leprechauns. / ghosts. / choirs of angels. / the Pixie People from another dimension.
The government also plans on declassifying its files on the Hollow Earth, the Nazi Robot Clones, and Puff the Magic Dragon. Apparently, he lived by the sea.
The government also plans on declassifying its files on Stonehenge, the Loch Ness Monster, and the mysterious creature known only as “Parkie”.
