Canberra Witches (GNW 12/10/09: monologue)

Canberra Witches! They’re like regular witches, but cold, grey and boring! / but way more bureaucratic. / but only cast spells a few months a year.

After the discovery of a blood-spattered concrete slab at Mt Ainslie, Catch the Fire Ministries pastor Danny Nalliah has called for spiritual warfare against Canberra witches. Whoever wins, Canberra loses!

So either the witches will rule Parliament with their spells and blood sacrifices, or the Catch The Fire cult will rule with their incantations and invisible spirits. Whatever happened to the good old days of regular old corruption? / Sure beats the old days of petitions and lobbying!

Apparently three of them appeared to Kevin Rudd, promising that he would be Prime Minister hereafter. At least till the impossible happened – Peter Garrett approving a nuclear mine.

And even more shocking than witches performing blood sacrifices, there’s also a lunatic group who believe in mass prayer! / there’s also Christians with parliamentary influence!

I doubt mass prayer will spur God into action – he’s much more impressed by child-blood sacrifice.

Nalliah says the only way to end the blood sacrifice will be to have all the witches slaughtered.

Nalliah says that the witches are cursing Parliament, impacting on decisions which should be being made in secretive back-room deals.

A Canberra coven, the Australian Sex Party and the Catch the Fire Ministries. The question is, which cult is witch?

I hope witches are performing blood sacrifices at Parliament. God knows politicians don’t listen to protests or petitions.

So far, there have been no witches found. Although they have found three werewolves and a leprechaun.

The whole nation may indeed be under a curse, but it’s not witches – it’s just karma for what happened in 1788.

I think I’d rather have witches in control than the monsters we’ve got inside Parliament.

But it’s not just witches controlling Parliament. There’s plenty of fairies in there too.

Blood on the footpath? Well, I’m convinced. / That’s some damning evidence. Quick – BURN THE WITCHES!

But they weren’t witches – they were midwives.

Australian Sex Party is threatening to set up a stall on the day. Yep, that blood sacrifice and mass prayer will be no match for their… stall. / Unfortunately that’s the best you can do when you’re godless heathens.

Australian Sex Party is threatening to set up a stall on the day. And if you’ve ever seen what goes on at an Australian Sex Party stall, you’ll know it can put you right off your prayers.

But why do you need the mass prayer? If God was so opposed to witches, wouldn’t He just smite them?

If the mass prayer doesn’t defeat the witches, Nalliah is calling for a full-on “War on Witchcraft”, which at the very least would be a great online role-playing game.

What kind of spell would this be though?
“Double, double, toil and trouble,
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Eye of cockroach, tongue of flea
Reduce this cauldron’s GST!” / Remove this broomstick’s GST!”

“Double, double, toil and trouble,
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Eye of cat, tongue of Alsatian
Tie baby-fat candles to inflation!” / Index newt-eyes to inflation!”

But they so far haven’t found any actual witches. It’s a witch hunt! That’s not a metaphor. It actually is.