Pensioners are embracing a new form of martial art, using their canes for self-defence. It’s known as “cane-fu”, which sounds cooler than “bashing people with your stick”.
Cane-Fu: it’s the ancient art of hitting someone with a stick.
One technique is to hit attackers with the stick. And that’s about it, really.
The cane-fu techniques are fantastic, unless you’re being assaulted by a senior with a cane.
The cane-fu techniques are fantastic, unless you’re being assaulted by someone fit, healthy, and younger than 60.
The cane-fu techniques are fantastic, especially against attackers who are weak, blind, and crippled.
Of course, most elderly people already have the perfect secret defense – an uncontrollable bladder.
Unfortunately, even more of a target to thieves than pensioners with sticks, are pensioners without sticks.
Of course there is one menace against which cane-fu is no defence: cane toads.
Because the cane-fields are full of grasshoppers.
Christ on a crutch. It’s getting like you can’t mug anyone.
The founders of cane-fu even sell their own specially-equipped canes, which they’ve managed to source from the producers of The Avengers. / Get Smart.
Of course it’s all very well to beat up your assailant with your cane, so long as your arthritis doesn’t kick in.
Related martial arts are Tae Kwan Denture and Colostomy Boxing.
One technique is to hypnotise the attacker with a long meandering story about all the things you could buy with a farthing – then POW!
You can also use the cane to bash the pokies machine until it puts out.
Not only can you use your cane to bash attackers, but your dentures can give them a nasty projectile bite, your shawl can be used to blind them, and you can frighten them away with the contents of your colostomy bag.
It’s easy for pensioners to learn the death-move – after all, takes one to know one.
Another technique is that, when the thief says “gimme all your money”, to simply say “what’s that sonny?” until the thief collapses from frustration.
Of course, the technique works best on thieves over 75.
And if the cane doesn’t frighten them off, you can take off your belt, put them over your knee, and and give them a damn good thrashing.
And pensioners who don’t have walking sticks are taught to snap at attackers with their dentures.
Traditionally, thieves see pensioners with a cane as an easy target. Now, they see them as an easy target that pathetically struggles for a while. / that momentarily flails weakly.
And no-one messes with someone who knows Tae Colostomy Do…
The pensioners are even able to snap bones with their martial arts. Shame it’s their own…
Just what we need to help keep the peace – armed gangs of pensioners.
Great. Now we’ve got to listen to their stories. / Better listen to their stories now…
Bingo has never been so brutal. / Lawn bowls now ends in a death-match.
And if you don’t succeed in defeating your assailant with cane-fu, try sconing them with your lawn bowls.
The technique basically involves hitting the crooks with your crooks.
Canes: they’re like a Kendo sword, grappling hook, and walking-enabler in one!
The Canemasters teach you how to lash out at your assailant with your cane before you tumble helplessly to the ground.
The cane can be used to thump your assailant, the end to poke their eyes, the hook to gouge at their face, and the shattered shards to tap out a morse code message for help when you’re splayed on the ground.
It’s a great way of making sure that whenever you’re attacked, you lose balance and collapse.
With Cane-Fu, you only get a black belt once you’ve already got your corduroy slacks. / if it goes with your cardie.
And with Cane-Fu, when you get your black belt, you wear it up here. (indicate humourous highpants)
They’re also working on a way to crush assailants by swinging your wheelchair round your head.
It’s the perfect self-defense for when a mugger approaches in full sight, stands within hitting range without moving, and says “I AM A MUGGER” in a loud clear voice.
Other classes teach how to ram people with your shopping cart and how to give a really nasty gumming.
It’s a “non-deadly” form of self-defense. Because Cane-Fu masters are too old and frail.
It’s a “non-deadly” form of self-defense. It’s also “non-useful”.
It’s also great for blind people, as they can have a double-headed attack with their dog.
The only problem is that once you’ve mastered how to use a cane for martial arts, you no longer need a cane.
And for those senior citizens who don’t want anything to do with this “martial arts” mumbo jumbo, there’s Cane-Phooey.
An alternative technique which requires less dedication is to just support yourself with an Uzi.
Of course there’s already a martial art where you assault people with sticks: Kendo. Not to be confused with Ken-Done, where you assault people with childish drawings of Sydney Harbour.
