A British man has decked out his flat as a Star Trek starship. Yep. At least we know he’s got a fully-functional warp drive.
And, like characters in the series, he never needs to go to the toilet. Which is lucky, as it’s hard to make your crapper look suitably futuristic.
Of course, it’s all very well having an apartment that LOOKS like it’s out in space, but when your upstairs neighbour is blaring out “Working Class Man” and your downstairs neighbour is having loud sex, you’ve just got to pretend you’re on the holodeck, and it’s set to “ordinary apartment in 2009”. / you’ve just got to pretend you’re travelling through the Bogan Nebula.
Of course, when you’re living in a place that looks like Star Trek, watching Star Trek stops being escapist fantasy, and just becomes mundane reality TV.
As great as the apartment is, the man’s still having troubles with his neighbours. Apparently, they’re Klingons.
Sure, it looks hi-tech, but it’s got dry rot, rising damp, and Tribbles.
He still has plans to install a spa, a dishwasher, and a Phaser Cannon.
It was either do up his apartment to look like the Enterprise, or get out and meet girls. / or get laid. / or get a life. / or do something about his miserable existence.
And now, he’s got the most amazing futuristic space-aged apartment to sit alone in and sob.
His toilet is designed to shoot all waste directly out into space. Which is not so hot for people on the lower floors. / for passers-by.
He said “It all started as therapy after I split with my wife.” NO. / She just refused to wear the Spock ears.
He said “It all started as therapy after I split with my wife.” Well, it was never going to work. She was a Klingon.
He doesn’t actually have a bedroom, instead having turned it into a transporter room. But who needs to sleep when your whole life is a dream? / a dreamlike fantasy?
Tony Alleyne says beds are overrated. Yeah, why waste room on something you only use when you’re asleep, when you could have that room wasted 24/7?
He originally made his flat into a replica of the 1960s Star Trek, but later updated it to the more futuristic style of Star Trek Voyager. Yeah, that old look was just so geeky.
It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it.
Sure, you can’t get beamed up – but the three flights of stairs do have very futuristic handrails.
Unfortunately it’s lacking a bed, fridge or oven, but it can tell with pinpoint accuracy the flat’s speed and what planet it’s currently orbiting. / the nearest galactic nebulae.
He really just made it so that girls would ask to see his warp core. (So far, no-one has.)
And it’s just as functional as the original!
He recently changed the design of the flat from the 1960s starship to that of Voyager. He’s now just hoping that Captain Kathryn Janeway will beam up. / He’d much rather Captain Kathryn Janeway beams up than Captain Kirk.
He started transforming the apartment after his wife left him and he replaced the refrigerator with a “warp coil”. Then by using a fusion reactor to heat plasma to pass through the coil, he can exceed the speed of light, effectively travelling through time to a point where the chops were still fresh.
He started transforming the apartment after his wife left him and he replaced the refrigerator with a “warp coil”. But he doesn’t need a fridge. He just keeps his food fresh by reversing its polarity.
He started transforming the apartment after his wife left him. But she had good grounds for leaving – he never wanted to mind-meld, he refused to get rid of the Tribbles, he never did anything about the Klingons next door, and, in the bedroom, he always wanted to bravely go where no man had gone before.
He’s hoping one day to get another wife, Jim, but not as we know it.
It looks exactly like the inside of the Enterprise. Unfortunately he only feels comfortable bringing home green chicks.
It’s even got a working cloaking device! Well, okay, so it’s a cloak. But it’s silver!
Unfortunately, his Trekkie apartment is too small for him. So he’s decided to redecorate it like the Tardis instead.
He’d like to think of himself as Captain Kirk, but he’s definitely more of a Scotty. (No-Friends.)
