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Good News Week

Poor Kyle (GNW 23/11/09: The Solid Gold Sauce Bottle)

It’s about time everyone laid off Kyle.   Talk about a persecuted minority!   (There’s only one of him!) How was he to know?   In his house, making light of underage rape is just a bit of innocent fun! He really just had no idea other people would think he was being offensive.   […]

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Good News Week

Good Next Two Months (GNW 23/11/09: closing)

Tuesday, November 24 Robbie Williams will start his promotional tour.   Robbie who?   See, that’s why he needs a promotional tour. Robbie Williams will start his promotional tour.   I loved him as Mork.   Nanu Nanu! Robbie Williams will start his promotional tour.   If enough people still remember him, he’ll think about […]

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Good News Week

Eat Pets for Planet (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

The true eco-menace has been revealed – cats and dogs.   A pet dog has an eco-pawprint double that of the average Land Cruiser.   And you don’t have to pick up a Land Cruiser’s droppings. Of course, this idea isn’t new.   You’d already know that dogs are toxic if you’ve ever smelt one […]

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Good News Week

FBI for Kids! (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

The FBI have introduced a page on their website for kids!   Unfortunately it’s not a secure site. I guess catching bin Laden was getting a bit hard.   But at least now they can colour him in! You can learn about how the FBI works, how they take evidence, and all sorts of exciting […]

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Good News Week

Cash-strapped terror (GNW 16/11/09: monologue)

The US claims that al-Qaida is facing a financial crisis.   Aren’t we all. / If only we weren’t facing one at the same time. / Which is lucky, otherwise with the West’s financial crisis we wouldn’t stand a chance. The US claims that al-Qaida is facing a financial crisis.   So now they’re ALL […]

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Good News Week

Olympic Doom (GNW 16/11/09: What’s The Story?)

The Australian Olympic Committee has expressed frustration at the delay in response to its huge additional funding request.   If they were in charge, it would be swifter, higher, richer! If an Olympics were held this year, Australia would slip to seventh on the medal tally.   Seventh!   We may as well just swallow […]

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Good News Week

Hotel in Spaaaaace (GNW 16/11/09: What’s The Story?)

Hooray!   In just three years we could all be staying at a new luxury resort – in space!   Well, I say luxury, but you still have to have your lobster thermidor sucked through a straw. The Galactic Space Suite Resort will cost $4.4 million for a three-night stay.   And you’ll have to […]

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Good News Week

No Fuglies (GNW 16/11/09: Survey Says)

A dating website is rejecting almost 80% of applicants because they aren’t deemed attractive enough.   At last, a dating site that is superficial on your behalf! The site’s been called “superficial” by critics, who are undoubtedly ugly. / especially those who’ve been rejected. So there you go.   Even beautiful people are turning into […]

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Good News Week

Marked Crims (GNW 16/11/09: Strange But True)

In Chicago, a pair of would-be burglars apprehended by police were found to have disguised their faces with a black permanent marker.   They were marked bandits. That permanent marker is going on their permanent records. / This is going on their permanent record, in permanent texta. The pair refused to wear stockings over their […]

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Good News Week

Drunk Hedgehog (GNW 16/11/09: Strange But True)

A hedgehog has been found rolling around in an orchard, squealing loudly, after getting drunk on fermented apples.   Looks like he went the whole hog. If you’ve ever been drunk and covered in spines, you’ll know what the problem is. A team of animal rescuers saved the hedgehog, despite its drunken pleas. / drunken […]