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Good News Week

Swine flu parties (GNW 25/5/09: Strange But True)

American mothers are considering holding swine flu parties to infect their children with a mild strain of the virus before a more virulent strain emerges. Their kids are keen – after all, the parties last for weeks! American mothers are considering holding swine flu parties to infect their children with a mild strain of the […]

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Good News Week

Good Next Week (GNW 25/5/09: closing)

Tues, May 26 Tomorrow is National Sorry Day. Had you forgotten? Apologise! National Sorry Day is coming up again. This year, it’s the indigenous people’s turn! (They’re sorry that they ever believed Kevin’s one.) The Australian Science Festival in Canberra will unveil a bionic man that can plug into your iPod and play mp3s out […]

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Good News Week

And the big news? (GNW 18/5/09: monologue)

Australians are getting fatter, drunker, and unhealthier. Still, like my mum always said, it’s what’s inside that counts. If this continues, Australians will be dying off younger and younger. Which not only helps with the “aging population” problem, but also the OVERpopulation problem. Australians are getting fatter, drunker, and unhealthier. Well, that’s what happens when […]

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Good News Week

Big Hubbles in troubles (GNW 18/5/09: What’s the Story?)

NASA is sending seven astronauts on its most dangerous ever shuttle mission to upgrade the Hubble Space Telescope. And shuttle missions are deadly enough when they don’t have to do anything. NASA says this is a very dangerous shuttle mission. As opposed to the nice safe missions that occasionally explode. NASA says the shuttle mission […]

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Good News Week

Surf Roo (GNW 18/5/09: What’s the Story?)

Gold Coast man has rescued a kangaroo caught in a surf-rip. Lucky he caught him, or the kanga was rooted. The roo was just wanting to hang six. He would’ve rescued it straight away, but he had to go home to get his surfboard, his video camera, and the contact number for Today Tonight. Of […]

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Good News Week

I Q for love (GNW 18/5/09: Giving Headline)

A networking and dating web site has been set up for people who have IQs in the top 15% of the population. Well, duh. / Anyone could’ve thought of that. Because your best bet for a wild and passionate love-affair is hooking up with a bunch of people who can play Scrabble in their heads. […]

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Good News Week

Vomity car crash a top night out (GNW 18/5/09: Blow Up Your Pants)

A US expert on alcohol abuse says that alcohol can trick young drinkers into associating experiences like vomiting and car accidents with pleasure. But then pissed teens are ridiculously easy to fool. / Wow, pissed teenagers are even more gullible than I thought. / And very canny alcohol can even convince them to buy bridges […]

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Good News Week

Al Qaida In The House (GNW 18/5/09: Strange But True)

Al Qaida is trying to appeal to Western youth with a rap song. It’s easy – just change “hoes” to “virgins”, “gat” to “rocket launcher”, and “bling” to “all-conquering nation of Islam”, and it pretty much writes itself. (turntable) Jikki-jikki-jikki-jikki-jihad! It’s da BOMB! (Although not in the sense of being good, more in the sense […]

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Good News Week

Tattooseum (GNW 18/5/09: Strange But True)

Retired history teacher Geoff Ostling has pledged to donate his entire tattooed skin as a work of art. It’ll be perfect for a tattooseum. That’s right, tattooseum. I just made that up. They’ll take the skin off him once they club him to death on the ice floes. It’s just their way. The gallery has […]

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Good News Week

Good Next Week (GNW 18/5/09: closing)

Tues, May 19 The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow. Doncha wish they wouldn’t. / I couldn’t give a BEEP! The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow. Followed by the tour of The Raging Feminists. The Pussycat Dolls begin their Australian tour tomorrow, and, under attack for using sexist innuendo, change their name […]