To mark the 30th anniversary of “Jaws”, British TV has launched a new program, “Celebrity Shark Bait”. Celebrities such as Ruby Wax and Richard E. Grant will be lowered in a cage into shark-infested waters. That’s one show you don’t want to get voted off.
They may seem like B-Grade celebrities, but all the big names were eaten in the pilot episode / at rehearsals…
Sharks are drawn to the celebrity area with “chum”: a rancid soupy mix of blood, fish and the innards of even less popular celebrities.
“We might’ve lost a few celebrities, but we’ve gained a lot of chum.”
Some of the celebrities misinterpreted the meaning of “chumming”, and their attempts to be chums with the sharks ended in tragedy…
Sharks are said to be thrilled. “I can’t wait to meet Richard E. Grant,” said one. “I love ‘Withnail and I’.”
Richard E Grant is said to be thrilled. “I hope I get to meet Jabberjaw!” he said. “He gets no respect.”
Celebrity sharks like Jaws and Jabberjaw are also being dangled in front of Richard E Grant…
Other risky pastimes include baiting bears, teasing crocs, fondling spiders, and denying telephonic access to Russell Crowe…
Encouraging sharks to come close to shore is a bad idea. They are getting so close that one is already manning the kiosk…
Environmentalists want to ban shark-baiting. So, for the next season, they’ll be dangling celebrities in front of giant tins of tuna…
Some people thing that throwing blood into the water is encouraging shark attacks. Personally, I think it’s the guy with the cello going “Dah duh… dah duh…” (Jaws theme)
The environmentalists are concerned about the “mistreatment of dangerous animals”. That’s a relatively recent concept. A couple of hundred years ago you didn’t have people saying, “Come on now, be nice to that lion. He’s only eaten half of your mother.”
Originally the show was to be the other way around, but an hour of watching B-grade celebrities eating fish’n’chips turned out to be less entertaining than seeing Ruby Wax disembowelled…
Once a shark gets a nibble of tender Celebrity Flesh, they never go back to tough old nonentity … so actually, the show makes the waters safer for you and me! Well, for you anyway…
The celebrities won’t be given oxygen tanks when they’re dunked – they’ll have to rely on their celebrity super powers. And if that fails, bad luck, chum. Chum! Oho!
The concerns have been raised by, and this is true, the Cape Town Shark Concern Group. Love to sit in on one of those meetings. (serious frown) “The sharks are in peril!” I guess Save the Whales is a bit old hat.
Ruby Wax was said to be undaunted by the prospect of facing sharks. “This’ll be nothing compared to spending a day with OJ!”
