Parents of can now buy their slack children a “Study Ball” – a 10 kilogram steel ball-and-chain that can be programmed to remain locked for the required study period. Or until the dishes are done. / Or until those rocks are broken.
It’s great for Maths and History, not so great for Phys Ed.
Not only does it stop you leaving your desk, it’s perfect for developing blood clots!
The makers say the Study Ball is not totally cruel. For that, you want the Study Flogging Post. / the Study Cat-o-Nine-Tails.
And if the ball doesn’t work, perhaps they need to spend some time on the Education Rack. / on the Naughty Rack. / strapped to the Learning Post. / with the Encouragement Dogs.
Also popular study-aids are “E-Learn-Trodes”, the “Encouragement Prod”, and “Baby’s First Waterboard”.
It’s the perfect tool for parents who want to guarantee violent teenage rebellion!
And if they continue refusing to study, the manufacturers suggest you simply beat them.
The ball isn’t totally cruel – it can be used for a maximum of four hours, and has a key for instant freedom. But you can always fill the lock with glue!
The ball isn’t totally cruel – it can be used for a maximum of four hours, after which parents have to go through the whole tedious rigmarole of reattaching it.
The ball is small enough to not restrict the child’s movement, but big enough to not fit through the bars of their cage.
And if the ball doesn’t work, just try solitary confinement!
It turns out all that time Josef Fritzl was just encouraging his daughter to study!
It stops students from popping up every ten minutes to get a snack. They can have their gruel at the allocated time.
The creator says that the ball is perfect for kids who have problems concentrating, get distracted easily, or are just too darn mobile.
It also makes kids extra-keen to bone up for that human rights exam.
It also saves you having to buy your kids a chastity belt.
The product blurb states: “When not in use as a study aid, it’s a pretty decorative item that’s the perfect accessory for any room in your home.” Though particularly the torture chamber.
The 9.5 kilogram ball-and-chain is completely different from the old-fashioned ball-and-chain. It has a digital readout!
Of course this solution has been available to parents for years, and without this wussy four-hour time limit.
And if your kid escapes, just set the dogs on them!
And so long as they’re your kids, it’s not technically torture! / forced imprisonment! / slavery!
Of course the balls aren’t completely cruel. They have a four hour time limit, and beep at the two hour mark to remind parents to slide a slice of bread under the cell door.
Of course, it’s hard to study in the black hood. But they’ll learn.
The Spanish inventor was inspired by a friend who compared revising for exams with being in prison. NOW he’s got something to complain about.
If you ask me, a ball-and-chain seems needlessly cruel. Just make sure the locks are working on the cage.
Because kids who hate study will just love slavery!
It certainly gets kids working, even if it’s only on escape plans.
It’s got all the movement-inhibition of a regular ball-and-chain, with the added tension of a ticking bomb!
A four-hour ball-and-chain is necessary for keeping some children focused on their studies, especially once they’ve pissed themselves.
Of course you have to hope the countdown mechanism isn’t shorted-out by all the urine.
