US magician David Blaine has set another world record by holding his breath for over 17 minutes on the Oprah Winfrey show. Well, her audience can get a trifle whiffy.
US magician David Blaine has set another world record by holding his breath for over 17 minutes on the Oprah Winfrey show. Now that’s a tanty.
He wants to get invited back on the show to do it properly, but, after this debacle, he’s not holding his breath…
He’s inspired kids all over the world to take their tantrums to a whole new level.
Not only can he hold his breath for 17 minutes, but he can stomp his feet and pout for hours. / but he can sit on the naughty chair for hours. / but when he’s sent to his room, he doesn’t even want supper anyway.
He said it was a life-long dream. And let’s face it, who doesn’t want to be trapped underwater desperately holding your breath while millions of people watch?
Now that he’s completed his life-long dream, he die happy. Which is going to be his next big performance!
Blaine said it was a life-long dream to perform the stunt. So really, he should have just stayed under and died happy.
Next he plans to see how long he can hold his breath while on fire.
His next trick is going to be to see how long he can hold his breath while being torn apart by pigs. Hooray!
His next trick is going to be to see how long he can hold his breath while being sawn in half. I’m happy to do the sawing myself…
It’s actually a pretty easy trick. All you have to do is think about how close to death you are, and you catch your breath instinctively!
Blaine was suspended in a water-filled glass sphere, while dressed in a silver wetsuit. That way if the stunt went wrong and he woke up in the distant future, he’d look fashionable.
The stunt had everything: water! Silver leotard! Lack of movement! The very definition of must-see TV.
There’s no TV as exciting as watching a man doing as little as possible.
Of course it didn’t make thrilling TV to watch, so while he was in there, Oprah promoted a new diet pill, name-dropped a half dozen celebrities and told us all who to vote for. I couldn’t last 17 minutes and I was breathing.
He was hoping to stay in the tank 6 minutes longer, but he couldn’t stand to watch any more of Oprah’s interviews. / couldn’t stand any more obsequious suckjobs or blando self-promotion.
He not only set the world record, he also now has a great empathy for goldfish. It turns out their lives are really boring!
Blaine said the secret was to get into the mindset of a goldfish – that way his brain would only think he’d been underwater for three seconds and not worry.
Blaine was pleased with the outcome of the trick, though next time he might bring a book.
Maybe now we can cast him out into space and see how long he survives there.
For his next trick, he’s going to try to live for up to two hours while suspending his ego.
For his next trick, he’s going to try to go for a week as an ordinary person. / without even one life-threatening stunt. / without once attempting to seek attention through life-threatening stunts. / without once trying to make up for his own low self-esteem by publicly threatening to take his own life.
Blaire’s 17 minutes, 4.4 seconds underwater was more than 30 seconds longer than the previous record, set earlier this year by a Swiss man who has just realised what a waste his life’s ambition was.
Previous record holder Peter Colat has vowed to hold his breath until Blaire gives his record back.
Blaine’s previous stunts have included 44 days in a glass box and 63 hours in a block of ice. He’s not really a magician, just an extreme agoraphobic. / he just hates himself and wants to die. / he’s just not really comfortable unless he’s potentially about to die.
He actually did it to help save his marriage. His wife’s very demanding when it comes to cunnilingus.
He claims that, while he makes a living doing magic, his physical stunts are just done because he hates himself and wants to die.
The stunt was a ratings bonanza for Oprah, though the ratings dipped sharply when it was clear he’d survived.
Blaine said it was a life-long dream to perform the stunt, ever since as a baby he’d nearly drowned in the bath. / ever since he nearly drowned in his own amniotic fluid. Explains a lot.
When Oprah asked Blaine what he was thinking about during the stunt, he told her “You”. Not surprising given that he was forced to watch her show.
When Oprah asked Blaine what he was thinking about during the stunt, he told her “You”. Of course, what he meant was “wishing you were in there instead of me”.
Blaine said he’d been thinking about Oprah throughout the stunt. And where he’d left the remote.
It was very cold in there. He became one giant chilblain.
“There’s no enhancement, no cheating,” he said, filling his lungs with pure oxygen for 23 minutes before the stunt. Well, excuse me, but filling your lungs with pure oxygen for half an hour beforehand is enhancement. I wanna see him do it pushed off a dock wrapped in a carpet with cement shoes on. Actually, I don’t even need to see it. I just want it to happen.
Inside the dome, he reached a meditative state, partly caused by the lights reflecting off the dome, but mostly due to lack of oxygen.
