A “Christian Nymphos” website has been set up by a group of wives encouraging others to spice up their marriages without breaking God’s laws. Christian Nymphos! It’s like someone’s been reading my diary… / tapped into my secret dream…
Because, not only should Christian wives be “cleaving for their husbands”, but deepthroating for the Lord. / but enjoying the occasional Dirty Sanchez. / enjoying a good fisting for Jesus.
You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Holy Sanchez.
God loves nothing more than a caring, sharing, loving Dirty Sanchez. / anal fisting. / deepthroat with a dildo up your arse.
Nothing pleases the Lord more than sexual excitement between married partners. Just make sure you get your strap-on baptized. / your gimp-mask blessed first.
The Lord is fine with sexual experimentation between married partners. In fact the kinkier it is, the more it gets Him off.
And of course, God can see everything. He’s the ultimate voyeur…
I’m pretty sure there’s no commandment against threesomes… so long as they’re all good Christians.
The site says that God “wants us to keep that fire burning in our marriage beds”. Yes, the purifying fire that burns all evidence of sin!
The women believe in anal sex between a married couple. Because what God really has a problem with is men’s arses. / God loves a woman with a bangin’ butt. / God loves a bit of booty-bangin’. / Turns out Jesus really loves the fudge tunnel.
When these girls are crying out “Oh God”, they really mean it!
These girls’ll have you going “oh god” in no time!
The site explains that virtually any sexual act is permissible between a man and his wife, or a priest and his pageboy.
The “spice girls” who author the website encourage role play and fantasy – like for instance pretending there’s some big guy in the sky who cares what they do in bed.
Wow – I never knew so many sexual acts weren’t sinful.
Wow – I never knew so many sexual acts weren’t sinful. It’s kinda taken all the fun out of it.
These girls really love it goddy-style.
These girls really love Jesus… and I do mean love.
There are posts on “Modesty Issues”, “Position of the Week”, and even one on “Tasting His Fruit”. Nothing gets me going more than a nice healthy fruit salad. Yum!
Turns out these religious girls love dirty talk, too. “Who’s your saviour baby? Who’s your saviour?”
Turns out these religious girls love dirty talk, too. “Ooh, plough me like Zion in Micah 3:11-12!” / “Yeah baby, do me like they did in Psalms 129:3!” / “Ooh, cleave me baby, cleave me!”
They claim we’re all the children of God. These girls know who their daddy is.
They highlight a new position every week. There’s the “Parting of the Seas”, the “Sermon at the Mount”, and something called the “Great Flood”. / the “Burning Bush”. / “Blowing Gabriel’s Horn”.
Of course, they can’t help but love the zealous delight of the Missionary position…
The site’s all about putting the passion back into your love life. Unfortunately, it’s the Passion of the Christ.
I think they’re waking up my Lazarus… it’s a miracle!
These girls love all sorts of position, as well as adoring oral, anal, and sex toys – but strictly no fornicating!
It’s no surprise that Christians are into wild sex. After all, their priests are all wearing dog-collars…
One reader asked the ladies whether God would approve of his wife using some sort of toy anally on him, saying, “It’s something I pray about an awful lot.” Yep, feverishly, every night, he prays to God that his wife will stick something up his arse… / God doesn’t have a problem with it, just his wife.
Some other things the Bible doesn’t outlaw include cock-rings, vibrators and Internet porn.
The Bible is also oddly silent on kiddie porn. So that’s in then. / So that’s OK then!
According to the site, masturbation isn’t a sin, despite what many Christians are taught. Could this mean that parents and clergy are just making up doctrine to keep their children repressed? Surely not in the Church!
According to the site, masturbation isn’t a sin, despite what many Christians are taught. It was just made up by the Church to keep people repressed. Just like that bit about “God”.
The website says masturbation is AOK, as they say Onan’s sin in the Bible wasn’t masturbating as often believed, but refusing to impregnate his dead brother’s wife. So wank away! Just make sure that if you have a dead brother, you cum in his wife.
The girls say Onan wasn’t killed by God for masturbating – it was for refusing to cum in his dead brother’s wife. Here endeth the lesson.
Christians oughtn’t be allowed to get in on acts traditionally performed by the Godless – it’s just sick!
This website’s fantastic – much more entertaining than reading the Bible!
For the first time, I see the appeal of Christianity.
The site includes links to suitable Bible study sites. Of course the Bible’s full of sexy moments: there’s the song of Solomon, and of course the crucifixion is great for sadomasochists. / and of course, nothing gets a sadomasochist hotter than that guy being flogged and crucified!
The anonymous wives behind the site say they are in no way connected with the Christian Sluts website. Though that site does come highly recommended.
Still, as far as websites go, I have to say I prefer “Slutty Satanists.com.”
