It’s official – a declassified 2004 report show that the CIA engaged in torture of detainees. Turns out the terrorists actually did destroy our way of life.
The CIA have finally declassified the torture information. Well, they took off the hoods.
But what’s the point of banning cameras if some goody-goody agency insider’s just going to write a report?
The CIA said they did obtain some important information from the torture. Otherwise they would never have known about the bombings in Dagbad, Madeupistan, and Durkadurkaville.
The alleged plotter of the USS Cole bombing, Rahim al-Nashiri, was threatened with a gun and a whirring drill pointed at his head. Finally, all those military drills come in handy. / So that’s why they do all those military drills.
They even scared some prisoners with a mock execution of another prisoner. Come on, it was only a mock execution. Just because they can’t take a joke. / And if you don’t get the joke, you’re a terrorist.
You should have seen the mock execution – it was by cream pies and whoopee cushions!
They frequently used waterboarding on alleged September 11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed. But he still refused to talk, so they’ll have to fly planes into him.
They used waterboarding 183 times on alleged September 11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed. If the 184th time doesn’t crack him, they’re going to have to concede that maybe he’s innocent after all. / maybe they’ve got the wrong guy.
You’d never see al Qaeda using torture. It’s WAY too slow.
If you’re going to embrace torture, you may as well embrace the whole flying planes into buildings thing. In fact, it would be a pretty good way to definitively close Guantanamo.
Not only did the American military overdo torture, but they really need to cut down on the marching chants. / on the “10 hutts”. / on the lame crewcuts. / on the khaki. That shit’s soooo mid-nineties.
The report claimed that the American military used too much torture. Which, given the legal status of torture, is ANY AT ALL.
Shocked by claims the CIA overused torture, President Obama has now ordered that all torturing be done by someone else.
President Obama has now ordered changes to the way people are interrogated. From now on, they have to keep quiet about it. / there will be no paperwork, no media, and they’ll only employ mutes.
Some detainees were threatened with powerdrills. Nothing scares a man more than the threat of home revovations – you know how long they take? / how much they can cost?
They’re launching a criminal probe into torture. Hopefully not the same criminal probe they used in the torture-room.
The US Attorney-General is preparing to launch a criminal investigation into the use of torture – and this time, the gloves are really off!
The US Attorney-General is preparing to launch a criminal investigation. These torturers had better come clean – or else!
Not only did the American military use torture, but according to some sources, they even killed some people. With guns!
Obama keeps excusing the torturers with his catchphrase “we want to look forward, not backward”. I think I’ll try that one next time I cop a speeding ticket. / Criminals everywhere are committing it to memory…
Torturers are pissed off there’s no more torture allowed. It’s pretty hard to transfer those skills to middle-management. / to some other occupation. / to domestic life.
There’s no point stopping all torture at this late stage. By now, some of the prisoners are actually starting to enjoy it.
Some of the detainees have been waterboarded 183 times. But you know, it’s that 184th time that really breaks ‘em.
You wouldn’t believe it, but it turns out that torturing someone who is totally innocent doesn’t actually make them suddenly know anything about al Qaida!
Obama has still failed to prosecute any of the illegal torturers. Looks like it’s time to give him a quick waterboarding, a beating and some electro-rectal encouragement.
CIA agents threatened to kill a suspect’s children. And then he wouldn’t be able to use them as martyrs!
One suspect was told he’d have to watch his mother get sexually assaulted. But it turned out it was only a mock sexual assault of his mother. / But it turned out she was gagging for it.
Obama keeps saying he wants to “look forward, not back”. And if you’d seen the photos in his files, you wouldn’t want to look back either. / From now on, all executions are to be real.
But after Abu Ghraib, we’re just not that interested unless the disclosure comes with stuff we can use as screensavers.
