A Russian man has had part of his penis bitten off after an ill-fated attempt to rape a raccoon. It was an honest mistake – he thought it was a beaver.
But you know raccoons – they’re such cockteases.
Of course, it was a female raccoon – he’s no pervert.
The guy’s not complaining – it was actually a love bite.
The raccoon’s actually lucky to get away – the guy’s last girlfriend is now a scarf. / an overcoat.
Those Russian nights can get pretty lonely…
The raccoon turned on the man, but that just turned the man on.
Of course, in those cold bleak Russian nights, it was either bestial rape, or sing folk songs. I think you’d’ve done the same.
Even though doctors said that they wouldn’t be able to reattach the bitten off part of his penis, it was still worth it. / it was still the best blow-job he’s ever had. / it was still his best night in years.
Sadly, still the best night he’s had in years.
The guy was probably lucky he couldn’t get it up.
You know Russians, they’ll go anyone in a fur coat.
It had to happen some time in a culture that fetishises fur coats.
The raccoon didn’t want to bite off his cock. But after the gang-bang she just wasn’t in the mood any more.
Doctors are now trying to restore his damaged member – although they’re not trying very hard. / Sort of. / Since they have to. / Their sense of duty even extends to raccoon-rapists. / Though they considered removing it instead.
Alexander Kirilow thought he would have some “fun” during a drunken weekend with pals. And I’m reckoning it would’ve taken a full weekend to get that drunk.
He was away with some mates for a drunken weekend, and of course they were all egging him on. And then when he got his cock bitten off, they pissed themselves.
He was away with some mates for a drunken weekend, and of course they were all egging him on. And with friends like those, who needs alcoholic genital-mutilating beast-porn freaks?
It was the bandit mask-colouring that really did it for him. He loves bad girls. With snouts.
Alexander Kirilow told surgeons he thought he would have some fun when he saw the raccoon during a drunken weekend with pals. Besides, they’d run out of squirrels.
Alexander Kirilow said he was ashamed and embarrassed – he’d thought it was a dog. / midget in a dog costume.
The raccoon was unavailable for comment as she still had a mouth full of cock.
So the moral of the story is: before you rape a woodland creature, think twice. / wear protection.
Kirilow said he’d learnt his lesson, and from now on would stick to raping bunnies.
Kirilow said he’d learnt his lesson, and would go back to only fucking dead animals. / having his way with roadkill.
Wow. When they say raccoons are omnivorous, they mean it.
That feisty girl sure plays hard to get.
He said that now he was even more interested in the raccoon – he loves it when they treat him mean. / play hard to get.
It wasn’t the forced sex the racoon objected to. It was that the guy kept calling him a squirrel. / It was that he did it in front of his mates.
Fortunately he still has enough of his penis left to participate at Kitten-Rape Club.
It was just like in that Beatles song, Rocks-Off Raccoon. / Cocky Raccoon.
The raccoon never meant to bite his penis. She was just after his nuts.
The man was doubled over, raccooned with pain.
Kirilow’s mates were simultaneously horrified, amused, and relieved that it hadn’t happened when it was their turn.
Sure, he lost a piece of his penis but the blokes all agree he’s a total legend.
Doctors have restored function to the remainder of his member. Although if he has to tell girls what happened to it, it might not get that much more use.
The tragedy is that his damaged member is now even less appealing to humans. / is now only attractive to raccoons.
He’s kind of hoping that now that frisky raccoon’s had a taste, she’ll be back for more. Ohhh yeah.
He he claims he wasn’t actually trying to have sex with the raccoon. He was just trying to stuff it.
He he claims he wasn’t actually trying to have sex with the raccoon. He just slipped over in the shower.
