Commonwealth Condoms (The Glass House 19/10/05)

Ansell has supplied the Melbourne Commonwealth Games village with 60,000 condoms to service the needs of the 4,500 athletes and 1,500 officials. That’s an average of 10 roots each for their 11 day stay. And if they only sleep with each other, they get 20 screws each.

60,000 condoms! And Shane Warne’s not even competing!

Ansell are said to have learnt their lessons from the Sydney Olympics, where 50,000 conners weren’t enough and they had to supply an extra thirty thou. Mind you, that opening ceremony used up a lot when they ran out of balloons.

The local chemist is said to be outraged. “I thought I was going to make a killing!”

Along with the 60,000 condoms, organisers are providing 5,000 dildos, 2,000 cock-rings and 700 gimp costumes. It’s the new outfit of most of the runners – so aerodynamic!

Condoms do come in handy when the swimmers misplace their caps.

There’s been a sudden increase in demand for seats at the Night-time Gymnastics…

It’s made a real difference to the Pole Vault and the Men’s Horizontal Bar… and you should see the Synchronised Screwing.

It’s really added a lot to the swimming events; as well as watching the 500 metre freestyle, you can see the 500 metre doggystyle; and you can watch the women’s breast-stroke for a dollar a peep.

But you wanna avoid the Equestrian events.

It’s good to see the world record holders raising the bar…

Also very popular is the Hop, Step and Hump…

Competition will be very stiff – no-one wants to come in sloppy second place.

60,000 condoms! That’s even more than when Kiss last toured.

“They’re not for sex,” said one athlete. “They’re for smuggling drugs in.”

10,000 of them are for Matt Shervington. But he goes through ten at a time…

Thanks to all the steroids they’ve taken, the entire weightlifting squad can actually all fit in one condom…

Traditionally athletes avoid nookie before competing. Having great sex makes all that sport seem a bit much like hard work.

Traditionally athletes avoid nookie before competing in an event. But it’s better than during.

You’d want to use a condom when you’re screwing an athlete. A lot of them have sportily transmitted diseases.

Screwing an athlete can be quite unsatisfying. They’re always after the world record time.

The worst thing about screwing an athlete is having the coach screaming “Go for it! Go for Gold!” from the end of the bed.

Coaches are using new motivating techniques: they dangle a few conners and a bunch of nude hotties at the finish-line…

40,000 of the condoms are just for the Aussie athletics team, because they’re so totally fucked.