The New Zealand cricket team have unveiled their latest secret weapon: wonderpants! Cricket is such a cool sport.
The “micro-shine” trousers are believed to contain a patch of fabric which helps the Kiwis shine the ball. They’re pants with built-in swing!
The special pants not only help with your swing, they’re also quite useful when playing cricket.
The wonderpants not only help you shine the ball, but also repel grass stains, ball stains, and sledges.
The wonderpants not only help you shine the ball, but can also reduce ball stains. But really, you should be wearing a box.
The wonderpants not only help you shine the ball, but also intermittently strobe in a multiplicity of many-coloured hues – just because otherwise cricket is shit-boring.
It’s just the latest in a series of innovations designed to give cricketers an extra edge, going right back to the development of the “bat”. / something called “wickets”.
Unfortunately the innovative “micro-shine” white pants do resemble outfits from Saturday Night Fever.
Under the bright lights of night matches, the “micro-shine” actually causes blindness. Which makes wickets much easier to take. / Which totally fucks up the fielders. / Which is why they’re such an advantage.
There is also a “micro-slide” version for fielders, that is determined to increase performance somehow by 2.7%. Although they’re so good at sliding that on a wet day, fielders can end up in the field next door.
It’s all really just a ploy to try to get people interested in cricket. And the most exciting thing they could come up with is shiny pants. Sheesh.
This is possibly the most exciting thing that’s ever happened in cricket! That’s right – the pants are quite shiny! OH MY GOD!
The inventor was surprised to discover there were no regulations about what materials you can and can’t use in cricket clothes. Though satin and lace are not recommended.
The inventor was surprised to discover there were no regulations about what materials you can and can’t use in cricket clothes. So he’s made the special shiny pants out of denim. / tungsten. / stainless steel. / Teflon.
The inventor of the pants was surprised to discover there were no regulations about what materials you can and can’t use in cricket clothes. So he invented the micro-shine material after an unsuccessful attempt at wooden whites.
Originally the inventor developed pants with two patches, one for shining the ball, and one for scuffing it up, but he took the abrasive patch away so the MCC wouldn’t kick him out. So anyone who wants to add a patch of sandpaper to a pair of pants and make a million, the gig’s going begging.
Originally the inventor developed pants with two patches, one for shining the ball, and one for scuffing it up, but he took the abrasive patch away so the MCC wouldn’t kick him out. And because it was just too tacky on the catwalks – less is more, people!
They dropped a second abrasive patch, since the inventor didn’t want to go against the spirit of the game, which is all about shining your balls, not scratching them.
They dropped a second abrasive patch, since the inventor didn’t want to go against the spirit of the game. True cricketers do their ball-scratching manually.
The microshine pants seem to work a lot better than the ones he’d made that were just covered in sequins. / Next he plans to cover the cricketers from head to toe in sequins. – ooh, it’s going to be darling.
Next he plans to develop special fielders’ gloves covered in tiny suction-cups. But he’ll make them slightly less adhesive than they could be – after all, he doesn’t want to go against the spirit of the game.
Next he plans to develop special exploding cricket balls that detonate when near the stumps, knocking over the wickets with deadly shrapnel. But he’ll make sure the ball’s electronic sensors aren’t too powerful – after all, he doesn’t want to go against the spirit of the game.
Next he plans to develop a special secret box that has go-go gadget arms.
Wow. With scientifically-tested microshine technology, it looks like maybe some other country in the world will have a fighting chance against Australia…
Australian players are said to be very interested in the micro-shine pants, as it will give them something new to sledge the Kiwis about.
