The latest startling British survey reveals a new menace hiding in our kitchens – bikkies! More than half of all Britons have fallen victim to biscuit-related injuries. I wonder if that’s why the British Empire lies in ruins.
Next the surveyors are going to look into just how many people injure themselves on other kinds of delicious afternoon snacks. They’re particularly interested in hearing from people who’ve been sconned. / creped. / creped on.
So, you’ve broken your tooth on your afternoon tea? Stiff bikkies.
So please, for afternoon tea, stick to crocodile steaks. For your own sakes. / Just plain safer.
So please, for afternoon tea, stick to having a handful of broken glass and a poke in the eye.
So next time you’re having a cuppa, be sure you have a helmet and knee-pads.
It’s giving some people ideas. Look out for the “al-Qaeda Family Assorted”.
Apparently 10 percent of Britons have broken a tooth on a biscuit. But that can happen when you still have a packet left over from your war rations.
The whole story turns out to be based on a misprint. It’s not bikkies that are hurting people – it’s BIKIES. Well, that explains all the tyre-tracks in my pantry.
Who would’ve thought biscuit-related injuries were so common? I would’ve thought eating a biscuit would be a piece of cake. / easy as pie.
About 10 percent of people surveyed had even broken a tooth on their biscuits. Which explains why Cookie Monster has no teeth. / Which says less about biscuits, and more about English dental hygiene.
Some people even broke a finger. Luckily, it was a Scotch finger.
Although, really, when you’re scalded in a dunking incident, it’s not really the biscuit’s fault, it’s the tea. That’s like getting pissed and crashing your car into a tree, and blaming the incident on foliage.
Some people even broke their teeth on biscuits. But it’s their own fault for insisting on trying the Titanium Assortment. / Assorted Steels.
There was even one person who swore they had their eyes clawed out by a chocolate teddy bear.
But there’s no point complaining about biscuit-related injuries. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles.
29 percent of people have scalded themselves while dunking, though several of those were setup for the new prank show “Dunk’d”!
29 percent have scalded themselves, 28 percent choked on crumbs and 10 percent have broken a tooth. All were happy to blame the bikkie. / Additionally, bikkies have been responsible for 39% of mortgage defaults and 23% of divorces.
29 percent of people had scalded themselves while dunking, but even more disturbing was the 5% who had scalped themselves.
They have suggested safety measures, but unfortunately putting a biscuit in a hard-hat makes breaking teeth more likely.
28 percent of people choked on cookie crumbs. Especially if the bikkie was choke-chip. / But that’s they’re own fault for buying choke-chip.
Who wants to break a tooth on a biscuit? That’s why before I ever attempt to eat one, me and a few friends make sure that it’s soggy.
Turns out soggy biscuit’s actually the safest way of eating them.
Of course there have also been deaths by biscuit, but this didn’t make it into the results, as the dead never complete their surveys.
Sure, it’s dangerous for people to eat biscuits, but it’s always a whole lot worse for the biscuits themselves.
So please, for afternoon tea, keep your scalding drinks but for god’s sake LOSE THE BIKKIES!
