The latest report from the Council of Wowsers Telling You Hedonists That You’re All Doomed says that any more than four standard drinks – or two per day regularly – puts you at higher risk of alcohol-related injury. Looks like the nanny state’s been given the keys to the liquor cabinet.
The National Health and Medical Research Council’s guidelines strongly recommend wrapping yourself in cotton wool and sitting quietly in the corner.
They suggest that, instead of drinking so much, people should find other fun ways to celebrate. Like canasta! / scrabble! / bridge!
I don’t know who’s funding this National Health And Medical Research Council, but I certainly hope it isn’t Australians.
But if drinking didn’t impair our judgment and make us take stupid risks, we wouldn’t do it!
The report says that more than two drinks per day can cause long term harm, more than four drinks on one occasion could result in immediate injury, and more than six drinks can result in a top night out.
The report says that more than two drinks per day can cause long term harm, more than four drinks on one occasion could result in immediate injury, and they couldn’t remember what happened after eight drinks, but Johnno reckoned it was pretty bad.
The report says that more than two drinks per day can cause long term harm, more than four drinks on one occasion could result in immediate injury, and any more than ten could see you waking up with a skanky troll. / your best mate’s mum.
Well, I guess that’s the end of wine-tastings.
The figures were revised down from the draft report, which they admitted was compiled when they were pissed.
According to the new guidelines, people should never have more than more than 4 drinks in one day. And you don’t really need that second piece of cake either.
Apparently, more than four drinks on one occasion can result in immediate injury. Especially to the wowser with the clipboard telling people not to drink.
Apparently, more than four drinks on one occasion can result in immediate injury. Especially if you try to crack onto the missus.
Any more than four drinks at one time increases the risk of injury on that occasion, and can also have a somewhat intoxicating effect! / and furthermore can increase the risk of karaoke.
Any more than four drinks at one time increases the risk of short-term injury, usually known as a hangover.
Any more than four drinks at one time increases the risk of short-term injury, including a significant increase in injury from knocking your head on the toilet bowl.
Of course, drinking less than 4 drinks may help you live longer, but it drastically increases your chances of celibacy.
Consuming any drinks under the age of 18 is now considered harmful. Fortunately at age 18 your body suddenly develops the ability to process alcohol – the very age you’re allowed to legally drink! Well, what a happy coincidence.
Consuming any drinks under the age of 18 is now considered harmful. Looks like whoever first suggested the legal drinking age was spot on. Lucky guess!
Consuming any drinks under the age of 18 is now considered harmful. They want you to wait until you can drive.
The 2007 draft policy suggested that children between 15 and 17 could drink some alcohol in the presence of their parents, but the new report drops that suggestion. Only 18 year olds can be trusted to be drunken louts, with or without parental supervision. / Because going out on the piss with Dad didn’t turn out to give the best results in responsible drinking. / Because parental supervision only drives you to drink more. / Coz you need to get really smashed to enjoy drinking with the olds.
Unfortunately, it turns out that 100% of non-drinkers die too.
Any more than 2 drinks per day greatly increases your risk of death from alcohol-related disease. And any less than 2 per day increases your risk of getting beaten up for being a poof. / for being soft.
Their new slogan is “If you drink… you’re a bloody idiot.”
One alcohol expert suggested the guidelines could be met with “ridicule and contempt”. Well, pish and tosh. / Certainly not on this program.
One alcohol expert suggested the guidelines could be met with “ridicule and contempt”. Especially from the angry drunks.
But if people aren’t shitfaced, how are all the ugly guys going to get a root? NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Lucky there’s no similar restrictions on shooting smack!
