One in five scientists have admitted using performance-enhancing prescription drugs to “improve concentration”. And another two in five use non-prescription drugs to “numb the boredom”.
One in five scientists have admitted using drugs to “improve concentration”. And the other four use them to “get fucked up”. / “get high.” / “blow their minds”.
Most of the scientists take the drugs to improve concentration, while others just can’t help conducting experiments on themselves.
Most of the scientists take the drugs to improve concentration, while others can’t resist just testing what’s going on down at the lab.
With all those bubbling test-tubes, it’s just a matter of time before they take one little sip…
The most popular drug for scientists was Ritalin. They want to experience how it feels to be hyperactive. / to not be bored shitless.
Scientists are on drugs! That explains all the recent research into “trippy visuals” and “making the bass phatter”. / “dancing til the break of dawn”. / “hiding shit from the pigs”. / “getting one’s freak on”.
Of course scientists take drugs! You think they get that crazy hair from too much pipetting? / You don’t graft a human ear to a mouse’s back when you’re straight. / They’ve got to test them on someone.
That’s why scientists wear those plain white coats. Anything more vibrant and they get massive flashbacks. / and they stare at them for hours.
Of course scientists take drugs! It’s the only way to make 8 hours of pipetting seem like fun. / to take their minds off all the time they spend torturing mice. / to make their boring miserable existences seem worthwhile. / to block out all the screaming from the animals in their experiments.
Not only do they take drugs to increase their concentration, but it helps give them great new ideas, like the atom bomb, or cloning sheep! Woo!
Those labs are just like non-stop raves! Although, instead of turntables they’ve got Bunsen burners, instead of scantily-clad young hotties, they’ve got old men in white coats, and instead of music, they’ve got the screaming of tortured mice.
Now we know! All those bunsen burners are actually for cooking up smack.
Scientists are actually so much cooler than we thought. Not only do scientists do drugs, but they totally pimp their bicycles. / but those leather elbow-patches on their tweed suits are total bling.
Some scientists prefer Ritalin, some beta blockers, and some the ones that turn you into Mr Hyde.
Almost 70 per cent of respondents said they would be willing to risk mild side-effects in order to boost their brain power. So mild Dr Hydeism is OK.
Almost 70% of the scientists said that, in order to boost their brain power, they would be willing to risk side-effects. And the other 30% take drugs for the side-effects.
More than a third said they’d consider giving drugs like Ritalin to their kids. Or as they describe them, their “cute little experiments”. / “the major project”.
More than a third said they would give their children drugs if they knew other kids at school were taking them. And a quarter said they’d make sure their kids’ drugs were better. / The other two thirds said they’d ask their kids to score.
More than a third said they would feel pressure to give their children such drugs if they knew other kids at school were taking them. Phh. Parents these days. / That’s right kids, say “YES” to drugs! / Otherwise they might feel left out.
You’ve got to give your kids drugs – otherwise they fail the drug test.
But if the geeks are taking Ritalin, how much harder does that make it for the kids with ADHD? They’ll have to take something stronger, like morphine.
Their kids were like “er, yeah, that’s why we take drugs too.”
Now that geeks are taking drugs, all the cool kids have stopped, and are now getting off on totally weak tea. Yeah!
Now that geeks are taking drugs, all the cool kids have started wearing white coats and carrying clipboards. / elbow patches have never been more popular!
Also popular among scientists were drugs known as beta blockers, which makes scientists more efficient by blocking out all beta tests.
Many are using beta blockers. Because there’s nothing worse than obsolete video tape. (Yes, there was once a kind of videotape called Beta. Ask your parents.)
Beta blockers are of course really handy if someone’s attacking you with a Bamix.
As well taking beta blockers, which reduce the symptoms of stress and anxiety, many people are now taking heater hockers, which pawn your heaters down the local Cashies, and meter mockers, which take the piss out of the decimalised unit of measurement.
80 per cent of scientists supported the view that “healthy humans” should be able to take performance-enhancing drugs. That way the retards can be left even further behind.
A majority of scientists not only support using performance-enhancing drugs, they’re also fully in favour of robot arms and laser eyes.
A majority of scientists not only support using performance-enhancing drugs, they’re also fully in favour of performance-enhancing cybernetic implants. / performance-enhancing daleks. / performance-enhancing hover-shoes.
A majority of scientists even believe performance-enhancing drugs should be able to be used in entrance exams. Not sure if that applies to sports scholarships. / Particularly at Marion Jones Uni.
Scientists take drugs, school kids take drugs. There’s even a smugness-pill for Prime Ministers.
There’s a drug for opposition leaders, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
