A survey has found 4% of Australians went to work drunk last year, and 1.6% under the influence of drugs. Of course that figure would be closer to 90% if they counted caffeine, aspirin and Viagra.
Think about that when you have a cuppa tea on your smoko…
What were the rest of you doing? / How do the rest of you get through the day?
Over 5% of Australians went to work drunk or high last year, including almost 50% of the West Coast Eagles.
So what? Turning up pissed to work is as Aussie as chucking sickies and crapping in the coffee urn!
You think I’m sober now?
But being off your tits is an advantage for some jobs. Unless you can see the pink elephants, how are you going to trap them?
But being off your tits is an advantage for some jobs, like catching the fire-fairies that live in people’s ears.
When you’re on drugs, it’s just so much easier to pretend that you’re just playing make-believe, when you’re really running the country.
Being on drugs at work is fun! Not only does it make your boring day so much more interesting, but it stops you falling asleep during Question Time. / but it makes Mr Speaker look like he’s a firebat! / but it makes delivering the verdict a real blast! / but it makes running the country a hoot! / but it makes it seem like the taxi’s driving itself!
Of course many people were taking performance-enhancing drugs, like crack cocaine – which makes working at Maccas that much more of an adventure. / which gives your burger flipping that individual stamp. / which makes your burger flipping the fucking best burger flipping in the fucking WORLD. YEAH!
One of the occupations most affected by workplace drug-use was being a drug-dealer.
One of the highest rates of drug-taking at the workplace was actually the police force. Not that they’d use the drugs – they’d just take them. / They’d take them from busted dealers.
The survey was carried out amongst a random selection of drug-dealers.
The survey was carried out amongst a random selection of people from many different occupations – musicians, prostitutes, cocaine-manufacturers – the whole range.
This figure is probably an underestimate, as it doesn’t include people worried about getting caught, despite the survey’s anonymity. It also doesn’t include people who take drugs AT work. / AS work.
But taking drugs is work for some people. Like customs officers…
This figure is probably an underestimate, as many people were just too high to do the survey. / as many people approached couldn’t do the survey because they were fucked up on drugs.
Top professions more likely to be under the influence included bartenders, taxi drivers and mhgdyelxcfd… sorry, that should read “teleprompter operators”.
There’s no need for alarm. The survey is regular and shows that the figures are actually slightly down on three years ago – which means there’s actually a slightly increased chance that the guy at the KFC drive-thru will get your order right.
It isn’t much of a problem, except when the drunks get into meetings with the druggies and can’t agree which hallucinations are the right ones.
Being pissed or high at work can be advantageous, giving you the confidence to take firm decisions, like to give Joe from Accounts a punch in the chops.
Men are three times more likely than women to turn up to work intoxicated. No wonder they still get most of the board positions.
Men are three times more likely than women to turn up to work intoxicated. And four more times likely to go the grope. / to piss on the toilet seats.
The survey also found that 10% of Australians admitted drink-driving and 3% admitted driving while on drugs. An additional 5% can’t remember what they were on.
The survey also found that 10% of Australians admitted to drink-driving, 3% admitted to driving while on drugs, and 2% clearly remembered catching the rainbow lizard. / flying home. / flying home on the wise old moon-fish.
