Earth Speaks (GNW 22/6/09: monologue)

The organisation Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence has launched a project called Earth Speaks that has asked for suggestions for mankind’s first words to aliens. What about “We’re here for the taking.”

“Please bring a plate.”

“RSVP before apocalypse.”

“Is this thing on?”

“Please, when you arrive, can you take Michael Jackson back to his homeworld?”

“You guys look funny.”

“If you’re gonna come here, at least have the decency to learn the language.”

“Speak English or die.”

“URGH! Kill it!”

“You challenge our position at the centre of the universe. You must be destroyed.”

“You’ve contacted Earth. There’s no-one home right now, but please leave a message, and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.”

How about “If you’re going to probe me senseless, at least buy me a drink first”?

But what DO you say to a total stranger who has an entirely different way of life to you? The accepted greeting currently seems to be “Die towelhead die!” / “Where’s bin Laden?”

Sending a message to the aliens will just work perfectly. Because we’ve pretty much mastered peaceful communications here on Earth.

Of course, the only message they’ll actually understand will be one in their own language. Really, we might as well send them “wibble wibble wibble ninky nonk”. (Or just play them an episode of the Night Garden.)

If we’re going to communicate with an advanced intelligence, I’d like to ask what features they have on their iPhone.

We all know what the first message is actually going to be: “Coke is it.”

The messages break down into a few distinct categories. Some want the first message to be “McDonald’s – I’m lovin’ it!”, while others are plumping for “The burgers are better at Hungry Jacks”.

Of course, the only message they’ll actually understand will be one in their own language. Really, we might as well send them a recording of farting walruses.

Several people are suggesting that we just bounce whatever signal we receive back out towards its source. But surely if there going to come here, we want them to learn English.

Because when you get a message across the cosmos that you can’t possibly understand, it’s best to respond in kind.

Of course an alien civilisation is unlikely to be able to understand English. But they’ll understand it’s peaceful, so long as we say it in a nice sweet voice.

Engaging aliens in conversation is a dangerous practice. For instance in the language of the Greys, “Hello” means “Please anal probe me”.

Other people, like Stephen Hawking, have suggested that broadcasting to a race with superior technology might be asking for trouble. But we humans love trouble!

But really, do you think the aliens are going to want to communicate with us? To them, we’re a planet filled with inbred violent retarded monkey-creatures. They look at this planet and just think of ‘Deliverance’.

It’s good to get communication going with aliens. Because they really prefer to engage in a mutually-respectful dialogue with us before they strap us down and ram a probe up our arses.

We’re fooling ourselves if we really think the superior alien life-forms are going to send us a message. That’d be like us sending a message to a swarming nest of rats. / to cancer cells.

Don’t we get the picture yet? They don’t want to COMMUNICATE with us – they want us to EXPERIMENT ON US!!!

SETI is searching all over the globe for signals from extra-terrestrial intelligence, but unfortunately so far have only picked up spam.

SETI has no plans to send any of these messages out into space without proper international discussion. They’re just opening up the discussion to have something to do with their lonely Earthling lives.