The Afghanistan elections have been subject to up to three million suspicious enrolments, including “Britney Jamilia Spears”. And in Afghanistan, “Hit me baby one more time” is a legally-enforceable marriage requirement. Surely they don’t expect Osama to register under his OWN name. Gee, Britney sure is looking a lot more beardy these days. It’s either […]
Feral pests are running wild, causing over 620 million dollars worth of damage to Australian agriculture. Topping the list are birds, although many of those are native species, and therefore not subject to visa restrictions. Feral pests are causing over 600 million dollars worth of damage to farms, whether it be through digging holes, devouring […]
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Brand Oi (GNW 31/8/09: monologue)
Australia is looking for a new slogan, logo or image to market ourselves to the world. We’re much more than a nation of great people and great places, according to Trade Minister Simon Crean. We’re also extremely humble. Crean wants something that doesn’t just concentrate on the great people or the great places. Guess he […]
The ACT is banning fireworks. Now if you’re in Canberra and you want a bang, you’ll have to rely on porn. There are now so many restrictions, they’re thinking of renaming it Can’tberra. It’s like there’s virtually no reason for pyromaniacs to run for Parliament. / But now that there’s no incentives for pyromaniacs to […]
The Nimbin Hemp Embassy attempted to gain the attention of the Prime Minister with a 10-metre inflatable joint. Unfortunately in Nimbin, that just blended right in. When they approached Mr Rudd with the giant doobie, he had no idea what it was. He only ever sucks down bucket bongs. They shouldn’t be approaching Mr Rudd […]
Scientists are suggesting placing magnets alongside fishing hooks to repel grey nurse sharks and help save them. Hooray! We’re saving the endangered sharks! Help! Once they work out how to repel sharks with magnets, they’re going to work on repelling box jellyfish with reef-knots and woggles. Unfortunately if you use the wrong polarity magnet, you’ll […]
The man known as the father of reconciliation, Patrick Dodson, is calling for a new dialogue between indigenous & non-indigenous Australians, saying the current conversation isn’t working. They keep saying “hello?” and we keep saying “talk to the hand”. The man known as the father of reconciliation, Patrick Dodson, has called for a new dialogue […]
Bob Dylan is in negotiations to voice a satellite navigation system. Every journey is like a whole new Dylan album! It’s just like a Dylan album, but without the pretence of melody, instrumentation or arrangement. / the pretence of songwriting. / the pretence of actually being able to sing, play harmonica, or write sentences that […]
Spain held its annual tomato-throwing festival, La Tomatina. It’s just like bullfighting – but the gore’s fake! / but the gore’s vegetarian! It’s bullfighting for vegetarians! It’s a Spanish sport, so something has to die, even if it’s just fruit. It’s the only festival where tens of thousands of sweaty men look so appetising. Hecklers […]
A psychiatrist has declared that Schapelle Corby has gonme insane. She’s suffering hallucinations, fantasies and bizarre delusions. It’s just like before they took the drugs away. She’s not insane. She’s just found her boogie board. / having a bit of fun on her boogie board. Top psychiatrist, Associate Professor Jonathon Phillips, made the report on […]