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Good News Week

The Science of Zombies (GNW 31/8/09: Strange But True)

Canadian scientists have confirmed what we’ve all feared – an outbreak of zombies could lead to the collapse of civilisation! It’s a theoretical model – there is no actual evidence that zombies could exist, meaning that it really is a groundbreaking redefinition of “scientists”. The researchers decided to only model classic, slow-moving zombies, rather than […]

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Good News Week

Good Next Week (GNW 31/8/09: closing)

Tuesday, September 01 Tomorrow’s the first day of Spring, so everyone – raise a glass of Claratyne! / hayfever medication! Tomorrow’s the first day of Spring, so everyone – time to sacrifice those virgins! Tomorrow’s the first day of Spring, but that doth not make one swallow. Just ask my wife. Tomorrow’s National Wattle Day […]

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Good News Week

China the bully (GNW 24/8/09: monologue)

There’s a new bully in town. And that bully’s name is China. They’re holding Australia’s head in the toilet & flushing. And if you’ve ever used a Chinese toilet… well, it’s not pleasant. / Although if it’s a Chinese toilet, we’ll be lucky if it does flush. We sell them iron ore, we help them […]

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Good News Week

Prostitutes vs Politicians (GNW 24/8/09: monologue)

An online survey in China has found that prostitutes are considered more trustworthy than politicians. But it’s not just in China. In fact, in Italy, the prostitutes are the best source of reliable information about politicians. An online survey in China has found that prostitutes are considered more trustworthy than politicians. Plus they can do […]

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Good News Week

Super-Space-humans (GNW 24/8/09: monologue)

China has released a list of 100 rules that people will have to comply with in order to be considered “super-human” enough to be an astronaut. Well, you are going to have to fly faster than a speeding bullet. Bad breath, body odour, tooth cavities, runny noses, and scars are all on the list. But […]

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Good News Week

Don’t Fool Yourself… Scooters Kill (GNW 24/8/09: What’s The Story?)

Deaths and injuries due to mobility scooters are on the rise. Who would’ve thought that a vehicle driven almost exclusively by those close to death could have resulted in fatalities. It’s uncanny! There have also been an alarming number of fatalities from elderly people using an alternative form of transport known as “their feet”. The […]

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Good News Week

Putin it Out There (GNW 24/8/09: What’s The Story?)

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has once again unveiled his rippling torso-muscles to the cameras. He’s Vlad the Unveiler. Vladimir just loves to play the macho man. People are so afraid to cross him that the secret police have been freed up to do his personal bidding. And Russians love Putin’s macho image. Every time […]

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Good News Week

Stem Teeth (GNW 24/8/09: Three & A Half Corners)

Scientists have been able to grow mouse teeth from stem cells. Nooo! Now my mouse tooth collection will be worthless! If we can grow our own teeth, it will eliminate the need for dentures. Not to mention plastic chattering teeth! / And make those chattering teeth toys a whole lot more realistic. If we can […]

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Good News Week

Roadkill Dinner Parties (GNW 24/8/09: Strange But True)

A British man has begun holding exclusive dinner parties where the only meat served is roadkill. Just a suggestion – steer clear of the trifle. He says he first got the idea when he ate some McNuggets. But it’s not like he just scrapes a dead thing off the road and pops it on a […]

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Good News Week

Woman Wants To Marry Enormous Ride (GNW 24/8/09: Strange But True)

A woman in Pennsylvania wants to marry a 25 metre gondola ride called “1001 Nacht”. She has a genuine fairground attraction. After a courtship lasting over 10 years, an American woman is going to marry the love of her life – a magic carpet fairground ride. Which is a slap in the face to those […]