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Good News Week

Taking a Slash (GNW 3/8/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Police in Minnesota are looking for a 31-year-old man who has a sexual fetish for slashing rubber balls. Not to arrest him, mind you – just for discreet fun times. Minnesota police are chasing a man with a sexual fetish for slashing rubber exercise balls. Soon he’ll have enough for his own gimp suit that […]

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Good News Week

Hatch-and-match (GNW 3/8/09: Strange But True)

The Church of England has launched a new “two-in-one” wedding and baptism service, allowing you to tie the knot and the cord in one go. Of course, it can be quite confronting listening to any prayer that begins “Dear Lord Jesus, please forgive these slutty fornicators and their bastard spawn…” The only downside is that […]

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Good News Week

Love Pillow (GNW 3/8/09: Strange But True)

A Japanese man has spent three years with his girlfriend – a pillow featuring a drawing of an adolescent girl. She is the perfect partner: she never argues with him, she’s 100% faithful, and she’s machine washable. He says that, unlike his previous girlfriend, she is loving, committed, and half polyester. And there’s nothing he […]

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Good News Week

Good Next Week (GNW 3/8/09: closing)

Tuesday, August 04 The world’s longest golf course will be finished at Ceduna. The only way to get a hole-in-one is to airlift the ball to the other end. The world’s longest golf course will be finished at Ceduna. One day, I hope to hit a hole-in-58. The world’s longest golf course will be finished […]

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Good News Week

Robo-teacher (GNW 27/7/09: monologue)

Primary school students in Tokyo are being taught by a robot. It’s great for maths, not so hot for phys ed. The robo-teacher even gets angry when the kids misbehave. And unlike human teachers, it can exterminate them. It can discipline children, organise tasks, call the roll, and spin around shrieking “DOES NOT COMPUTE” – […]

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Good News Week

Real virtuality (GNW 27/7/09: monologue)

British scientists have developed a virtual reality helmet that recreates all five senses. At long last you can live life without actually being there! The helmet recreates the sights, sounds, smells and even tastes of the original experience. Now, no-one will ever have to actually go anywhere ever again! They call it Real Virtuality. It’s […]

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Good News Week

Smell-a-terrorist (GNW 27/7/09: monologue)

Scientists are developing an artificial nose that will be able to detect the smell of fear, sniff for stress, and create olfactory “fingerprints” of suspects. Unfortunately the machine refuses to work until the scientists have a good long shower, change their shoes, and have a couple of extremely strong mints. Scientists are developing a device […]

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Good News Week

PUMA power (GNW 27/7/09: What’s The Story?)

The solution to the world’s urban transportation problems could be a new high tech electric automated dual-wheel person-carrying machine. Or we could all just use our bikes. The Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility project imagines vehicles with access to a vast communications network, allowing them to automatically interact, monitor traffic, and prevent crashes. Or we […]

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Good News Week

Pimp This Bum dot com (GNW 27/7/09: What’s The Story?)

I actually discovered this site by accident. And boy was I disappointed. / I’d meant to visit “Prostitute This Arse” dot com. / “Pay For Anal Sex” dot org. / “Have Anal Sex With Me For Cash” dot net. You don’t want to make any typos – PimpThisMum is a very different site… The organisers […]

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Good News Week

Mortal Bait (GNW 27/7/09: Buzzers Of Death)

A charter boat deckhand trying to make a group of California schoolchildren laugh has choked to death on a bait fish. He was pronounced dead in hospital, and thrown back. A charter boat deckhand choked to death putting a bait fish into his mouth to make 20 school children laugh. Sure, he died, but the […]