– Kim Beazley squeezes the world’s biggest zit – his head. – “Sure I’ve got a ticker – it’s this bit here, isn’t it?” – Kim Beazley tries out his new stand-up comedy routine: “If you punched me here, I’d be the Opposition Bleeder! Eh? Eh?” – “Hey voters! Here I am!” – “Look! I […]
HOWARD CONVICTING HICKS David Hicks has written to John Howard, describing himself as a “true blue Aussie”, who’s “determined to fit back into society and be a model citizen.” After four and a half years in Guantanamo, Hicks is so desperate to leave that he’s even offered to vote for Johnny. David Hicks has written […]
The IR laws continue to cause a stink, with 21 year old mining worker Lorissa Stevens being sacked for refusing to sign an AWA. The mining company’s furious – if only she’d signed the AWA, they could have sacked her for no reason instead… She was sacked from the mining job, which means her chances […]
The Liberal Party and the ALP have joined forces to teach our Pacific neighbours the noble art of democracy. Sign up for The Global Democracy Program and you could turn your bombing and looting villagers into Parliamentarians! The program is aimed at the islands in what the Government calls the “arc of instability”. They’re aiming […]
Russian tennis-ball-hitting-person Dmitry Tursunov faces a large fine and possibly suspension after a series of attacks on umpire Fergus Murphy: clubbing the ball at his chair, trying to pull him out of the chair when shaking the ump’s hand, and later comparing him to Saddam Hussein. But at least he’s not a sore loser. At […]
A new $51 billion Defence spending plan includes $50 million earmarked for psychological warfare. The other $50.95 billion is being spent on regular bombing-the-shit-out-of-people warfare. One psychological technique being advocated involves putting your gun away, and giving your enemy a cupcake. Who could resist? The psychological warfare includes propaganda and media control. Which strangely enough […]
Channel Seven and the Australian Olympic Committee are up in arms about plans to hold the swimming events at the Beijing Olympics in the morning to allow them to be screened in American prime time. But they shouldn’t worry about the ratings dropping; as the World Cup is proving, Australians are always happy to pull […]
A global politeness survey has found that Sydney ranks among the rudest cities of the 35 surveyed, well below cities like New York, Paris and Auckland. Yeah, well those dickslaps can get rooted. Anyone who thinks Sydney is rude can go and get farked. Sydney is in general much ruder than other cities due to […]
Buddhist monk patriarch Non Nget has warned Cambodia’s 40,000 Buddhist monks that they risk being defrocked if they make noise or cheer during the World Cup. Lucky Cambodia didn’t qualify and they can remain neutral. Buddhist monks traditionally lead a life of quiet contemplation, which is ideal preparation for sitting out a nil-all draw. (calm […]
IMMIGANTS STAY AWAY It’s an all-in brawl amongst the Libs over whether or not to process asylum seekers on Nauru. Wilson Tuckey was disgusted that some of his colleagues might want “people from all over the world” living in their street. They like to keep it nice and pure over there in White Supremacist Avenue. […]