In the best news in years, Eddie McGuire is taking over Channel 9. That means HE WON’T BE ON OUR TV SCREENS! Until he dies of course and Channel 9 spends a few months airing tribute shows. James Packer is going to be the first guest on Eddie McGuire’s new quiz show, Who Wants To […]
George W Bush continued to insist that good progress is being made in Iraq. And it is, especially by the terrorist insurgents… Australia captured their first all home-grown terrorists, and it went so well that the government are passing extra laws so they can capture whoever they like… The Senate election makes the ALP irrelevant, […]
Paris Hilton has been voted the star with the biggest ego. Despite having the smallest dog. Of course, she expected to win. Paris was disappointed. “It’s like not just the biggest ego – it’s the best!” “I don’t get it. I don’t even have an eagle.” Paris was really offended, until someone told her what […]
Shane Warne has signed a sponsorship deal with a phone company to record their hold messages, and possibly the hold messages of their customers too. The message goes “If you have recently received a steamy SMS from me, press one. If you have slept with me and are planning to go to the papers, press […]
British cricketer Andrew Flintoff has revealed that he was once shot at while fielding. It’s a more direct version of Bodyline – Flesh Wound! Looks like Brett Lee’s aim isn’t as good as we thought. Now that’s the way to get the Ashes back! It would have got him but at the last minute Flintoff […]
A new website, masturbateforpeace.com, suggests that everyone should whack off to create stop war by creating a feeling of goodwill. Their motto is “we cum in peace”. Many celebrities have joined in the cause: Mrs Palmer and her five daughters, the Purple-headed Bishop, the Gusset Typists, and the One-Eyed Trouser Snake. It’d be great if […]
A Melbourne Uni study has found that creative people tend to have schizo-type personalities. Funny, I don’t feel schizo. Yes I do! In one test, non-artists usually said bricks could be used for building, whereas artists tended to come up with more creative uses, such as throwing it through a window. “Creative” in this instance […]
A new survey shows that Aussies are having more sex more often, on average once every three days. Of course, that is just an average; Guy Sebastian never has sex, and John Howard screws the entire population on at least a daily basis. We average 108 times a year, although this goes down to 50 […]
Iraqi insurgents are reported to have stolen a British satellite phone and racked up ONE POINT TWO MILLION DOLLARS of calls before it was banned from use. The British Foreign Office acted after noticing discrepancies in the bill. Because ordinarily they would have expected no more than one point one million dollars. They were also […]
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NanoCar (The Glass House 16/11/05)
Scientists at Rice University have made the world’s smallest car. Oddly enough, scientists at Car University have made the world’s largest rice. Texan scientists have built a “nano-car” made out of a single molecule. The car is three-billionths of a metre across. (Sumo wrestler voice) “Ahhh. Not so squeezy.” And if you think that’s small, […]