Warwick Holt - Media Empire

Iraqi insurgents are reported to have stolen a British satellite phone and racked up ONE POINT TWO MILLION DOLLARS of calls before it was banned from use. The British Foreign Office acted after noticing discrepancies in the bill. Because ordinarily they would have expected no more than one point one million dollars. They were also […]

Scientists at Rice University have made the world’s smallest car. Oddly enough, scientists at Car University have made the world’s largest rice. Texan scientists have built a “nano-car” made out of a single molecule. The car is three-billionths of a metre across. (Sumo wrestler voice) “Ahhh. Not so squeezy.” And if you think that’s small, […]

The City of Malibu is distributing brochures warning surfers not to catch a ride on a tsunami. Wipe out! …whole cities at a time. Beach volleyball is also banned from tsunami areas, although they still allow Diving For Belongings and Synchronised Drowning. A tsunami can be a devastating experience. And when you’re choking for air […]

Jessica Simpson has been driven to therapy due to relentless gossip about her marriage to Nick Lachey. Maybe, just maybe, if she didn’t want so much gossip about her marriage she should STOP MAKING TV SHOWS ABOUT IT! Nick said, “She’s definitely crazy. We split up years ago.” Jess said: “Yeah, I’ve started seeing a […]

Donald Rumsfeld said Guantanamo Bay hunger strikers are “going on a diet”. And sewing their lips together is just a bit of needlepoint. Donald Rumsfeld said Guantanamo Bay hunger strikers are “going on a diet”. The really keen dieters sew their lips together! Rumsfeld elaborated that prisoners who attempted to hang themselves were just “bungy […]

Liberal MP Malcolm Turnball suggests MPs should be able to swap their taxpayer-funded car for a public transport allowance. Wow, pollies on public transport. Next thing you know they’ll be offering public services! Wow, pollies on public transport. Next thing you know they’ll be offering healthcare and education! Of course politicians already take public transport. […]

(Some of these gags have been resurrected from the dead…) The head of the Government’s new Fair Pay Commission, Ian Harper, says that the minimum wage will be set by “God’s will”. The next minimum wage increase will be two bushels of grain and a plague of frogs. The head of the Government’s new Fair […]

German researchers have statistically broken down the average human life. The average person spends a total of 24 years sleeping, 7 years working, and 2 years doing pointless research. The research found that we each spend nine months doing housework. So better do it now, or you’re going to spend the last nine months of […]

A rehab clinic in England is treating patients addicted to auction website eBay. Many of the eBayaholics are recovering drug or alcohol addicts who have upped their bids. A place in the clinic has costs 1000 pounds per week. Well, that’s the reserve price anyway. An eBay addiction can be expensive: after all, a piece […]

Tanzania’s politicians are sneaking around after dark to get witch doctors to help them win this month’s election. I don’t know why they don’t just rig it like in a normal country. Tanzania’s coastal region of Bagamoyo is renowned for the quality of its witch-doctors: they’ve managed to predict the results of every election for […]