The Victorian Liberal Party are banning anti-socialism. Hang on, does that make them socialists? They’re banning anti-social behaviour. The Anti-Socialist Alliance is furious. Liberal leader Robert Doyle reworded the new proposal so that behaving like a twat is still allowed. Hard to lead a political party from jail. They need it as a tool when […]
President Bush has appointed his closest confidante, Karen Hughes, with the task of overhauling the US’s bruised global image. With her and Condi Rice as his closest confidantes, you wouldn’t wanna be his wife… Hey Dubya, you want to know how you could really repair the US’s image? RESIGN. She’s got the job of fixing […]
Toddlers starting at child care experience high levels of stress due to separation from the parents. No, really? I would have thought being torn from your mother’s arms and being locked in a room with screaming babies would be soothing… In the early weeks, you can see toddlers nervously crawling back and forth out the […]
Psychologists have warned Mark Latham that he is at risk of suffering a mental breakdown. But how could you tell? Latham has replied: “I’m not crazy. It’s everyone else who’s crazy!” Latham has been criticised for blaming his mistakes on others. “I don’t blame other people – it’s them that does all the blaming!” Latham […]
Passengers were treated to an exciting in-flight program as they landed at LA International Airport – their own emergency landing. As the plane’s front wheels got stuck sideways and burst into flame, the passengers got to watch it being reported live on TV. “It was great,” said one. “Just a shame the whole plane didn’t […]
Amanda Vanstone on Baxter: “People have found it to be forbidding, and we are making it friendlier… It will never be a fun place to be but it will be very good.” Baxter’s “not fun”. That’s like saying John Howard’s “not muslim” Or Hurricane Katrina’s “not dry”. As part of the friendlification of Baxter, they’re […]
Searches of visitors to Victorian prisoners have turned up some unusual contraband, including nine lamb chops and a kilo of steak, underpants, rice cookers and a spider in a jar. It’s going to be quite a feast in prison tonight! “I misheard,” said one prisoner’s Mum. “He asked me to try to smuggle in a […]
Stir-fried tiger meat on a Beijing restaurant’s menu has turned out to be donkey meat dressed with tiger urine. The restaurant is near the Siberian Tiger Park, home to a highly endangered species of tiger that looks suspiciously like a donkey with painted orange stripes. “Siberian tigers are different to normal tigers! Where your normal […]
With Hurricane Katrina bearing down on Dubya’s back, his Mum is proving that compassion runs in the family. The relocations had “worked well” said Barbara; after all, many of the evacuees were “underprivileged anyway”. That’s right, and the really lucky ones were drowned. The evacuees agree. As one said, “It’s gone swimmingly!” Yes Barbara, they […]
The organisers of the World Testicle-Cooking Championship in Serbia are disappointed at being tricked by a man claiming to be Australia’s leading Kangaroo Testicle Chef. They were told that he was flying over for the event, but it turned out to be bollocks… Now that hoax took real balls. The caller said that cooked kangaroo […]