Under new anti-terror laws, bouncers and security guards will be called upon to lead the first response to terror attacks. Bouncers would seem like the perfect choice – after all, they’ve shown themselves as extremely adept at putting down uprisings of cricket coaches… The bouncers would be great at stopping an attack by terrorists with […]
Boffins are developing in-car computers that offer more human directions, using landmarks to direct you instead of distances. But what a car considers a stand-out landmark is different to a human. “Go right at the petrol station, then right again at the Mufflers-R-Us – oh, and can we stop off at the lube shop again? […]
A herd of Russian cows are going to be fed marijuana all winter when a confiscated crop turned out to be planted amongst their regular diet of sunflowers and maize. The only problem is when the cows get an attack of the munchies, all they’ve got to snack on is more dope. Talk about a […]
Australian athletes are seeded to win just fifteen medals at next years Commonwealth Games, including only four gold. And the rest were chocolate. Aussies are world champion walkers – we’ve got the three highest ranked Commonwealth walkers for both men and women. And we’re an absolute cert to get gold in the aimless meander / […]
Indian Runner Ducks have been setting off security alarms at the royal family’s Scottish summer estate. The seven ducks, owned by Prince Charles, trigger the recently upgraded security system day and night – and zealous security guards have been picking them off… and only four little ducks came back. Seven little ducks went out one […]
British police are chasing a man who dresses in nothing but a nappy and approaches women late at night, asking “Are there any baby-changing facilities in the area?” He obviously doesn’t realise he’s already changed into a baby. Police are currently trying to lure the man out of hiding with a giant teddy bear and […]
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Iraq-daks (The Glass House 31/8/05)
The British Army has unveiled a new range of high-tech underwear as part of its new range of desert clothing. “Iraq-daks!” (pron: irak-daks) They prevent infection, reduce chafing and are completely undie-tectable. The Army unveiled their underpants last Thursday… but after orders from above they pulled their trousers back up. To help in encounters with […]
Treasurer Peter Costello has said that teachers are creating a young generation with a strong anti-American bias. Yeah, because kids do whatever their teachers tell them to… actually, swotty kids like Peter Costello would’ve. Treasurer Peter Costello has said that teachers are creating a young generation with a strong anti-American bias. It’s hard enough for […]
The latest victims of violent verbal attacks are football umpires. Coaches and the media have been increasingly outspoken in their criticisms of the games’ refs. AFL coaches have been slapped with fines and reprimands; though they’d be better off using a 50 metre penalty. It’s just not on. Coaches should leave abusing umpires to the […]
Heath Ledger has attacked actors who use their fame to advertise products for cash. In an impassioned outburst, Heath said “I’m not someone who wants to go out and sell effing Tag Heuer watches and L’Oreal and all that stupid fashion shit… Not to say that Tag Heuer don’t make great watches, because they do. […]