Tuesday, August 11
Tomorrow’s ‘Australian Retail Awards’ in Melbourne will be on for one night only, so all prices have been SLASHED TO CLEAR! COME ON DOWN AND PICK UP A BAAAAARGAIN!
Tomorrow is the Australian Retail Awards, perfect if you’ve lost your tail. (That joke grows on you.)
Tomorrow’s Brisbane Lions gala auction dinner will go horrible wrong when the lions maul the galahs prior to auction…
The gala auction dinner for the Lions will get off to a bad start when the caterers turn out to be Gazelle, and flee across the savannah.
Melbourne will host a forum on alcohol & binge drinking. BYO. / The forum’s great, but the after-party’s WILD!
Melbourne will host a forum on alcohol & binge drinking. After all, you gotta talk about what you know.
In Sydney, the chairman of the Macquarie Group will be at the Company Directors’ Lunch. They’ll be eating the “little people”. / And, as usual, they’ll be feasting on the poor.
The N.A.B. will release the latest business confidence survey. If there’s any left.
The N.A.B. will release the latest business confidence survey – if that’s ok with all of you…
Tony Abbott will launch his new book in Qld, at the Brisbane Institute. It was the only place small enough to accommodate the expected crowd.
Tony Abbott will launch his new book in Qld, at the Brisbane Institute. It’s called “Where’s Tony?” / And it comes with a free set of crayons for the colouring-in sections.
Hale & Pace will bring their special brand of comedy magic to Melbourne. Ask your grandparents.
Wednesday, August 12
And on Wednesday, we’ll discover that International Youth Day is getting old.
On Wednesday, Federal Youth Minister Kate Ellis will be at the National Press Club, after having a tweet, checking her Facebook friends, downloading the latest Kate Perry song, and bitching to her bestie about how her dad is soooo 2007. / and comparing phone apps with her BFF.
Federal Youth Minister Kate Ellis will be at the National Press Club, and if she does well will be promoted to be a Grown-Up Minister.
In Canberra, National Science Week will be launched, and if all goes well will be held in orbit.
In Canberra, National Science Week will be launched – into space! / into a black hole! / into the sun!
The Socceroos will play Ireland in a “friendly”, before bashing the shit out of them in an “unfriendly”. / “decidedly unfriendly”. / “not so friendly”.
The Socceroos will play Ireland in a “friendly”. So no killing.
BHP will announce its yearly results – apparently, now they own Greenland.
The Commonwealth Bank will announce its yearly results – according to their offical figures, they’re still a pack of arseholes.
The Commonwealth Bank will announce its yearly results, but which year?
Katy Perry’s tour will hit Brisbane, and they’ll like it.
Katy Perry’s tour will hit Brisbane, and Brisbane, being such a sensitive new age state, will hit her right back.
Tony Abbott will flog his new book at the Sydney Institute. If it sells, he can get out of politics – BUY ONE, PLEASE!
Thursday, August 13
On Thursday the Senate are expected to vote down the Rudd govt’s emissions trading scheme, after Wilson Tuckey does a raindance.
Telstra will announce its full-year results. From Mumbai. / If you’ll hold. / After keeping you on hold for FORTY BLOODY MINUTES!!!!!!
The Bureau of Statistics will announce the average weekly earnings figures – turns out it’s three cockleshells and a magic bean.
Canberra will hear a speech from a U.S. security expert on the Asia-Pacific, if they can find one.
Friday, August 14
Friday is Pakistan’s Independence Day, but will turn out to be not quite as good as the one with Will Smith in it.
Friday is Pakistan’s Independence Day – Osama bin Laden’s favourite day.
Friday is Pakistan’s Independence Day, or, as they’re renaming it, ‘Dependence on Nuclear Weapons Day’.
Friday’s ‘Going Green Expo’ in Melbourne will accidentally attract hordes of people wanting to go a bit of the wrong kind of green.
Tony Abbott is heading round Australia, flogging his new book. Wow, should be even less successful than Peter Costello’s.
Saturday, August 15
National Science Week will kick off with a demonstration called ‘Look What We’re Allowed To Do To Bunny Rabbits’!
National Science Week will be a blast, unfortunately.
Saturday’s ‘Australian Surf Festival’ at Port Macquarie will be followed by the ‘Australian Omo Festival’, the ‘National Dynamo Championships’, and the ‘Carnival of Fab’. / ‘Carnival of Napisan Oxyaction (with Enzymes)’.
Melbourne’s Australian Music Association conference will go horribly wrong when an argument breaks out over whether Country is better than Hip Hop, and whether Techno is even really music at all.
In Sydney on Saturday is Celebrity Theatresports – so no actors.
In Sydney on Saturday is Celebrity Theatresports, which is like regular Theatresports except… um, for the name.
Saturday’s Celebrity Theatresports in Sydney will have the cream of international celebrities, including Matt Werkmeister, Sam Clark, Glenda Linscot, Kevin Harrington, Rusty Berther, Rebecca DeUnamuno, Daniel Cordeaux, Nikki Parry, Lliam Amor, Rik Brown, Jason Geary, Jenny Lovell, Patti Stiles, Jamie Robertson, and Simon Dowling. No, I don’t know who they are either.
It’ll be 40 years since Woodstock. That brown acid is really starting to kick in.
It’ll be 40 years since Woodstock – although some of the fans have never really left. / although some of the acid heads are still there.
Sunday, August 16
National Glaucoma Week should be a sight.
Ahh, and Sunday marks the beginning of National Glaucoma Week. I always celebrate by bashing a giant eyball pinata filled with jelly. Don’t you?
Sunday marks the beginning of National Glaucoma Week. I always celebrate by getting BLIND.
National Glaucoma Week will be followed by Shingles Week, Day of the Boils, and Ingrown Toenail Tuesday.
Pink’s “Funhouse” tour will hit Canberra, to a lukewarm response – there’s plenty of pink fun houses there already.
Pink’s “Funhouse” tour will hit Canberra. What, she’s still here? / For God’s sake Pink – GO HOME. / Come on Pink, give the rest of the world a go.
Monday, August 17
Next week’s Sydney Fashion Festival opening gala will be amazing to look at on stage, but afterwards will be chucking its guts up in the toilets.
And next Monday’s Catholic Health Australia conference in Hobart will have the same conclusion that it always does. “Just pray”.
