Tuesday, September 15
Beyoncé will begin her Australian tour in Brisbane, or as they’re calling it for the event, Breysbané.
Beyoncé will begin her Australian tour in Brisbane. Brisbanelicious! / I’m available if she’s after a bit of Beyoncé-Beyoncé…
Dan Brown’s sequel to “The Da Vinci Code” will be released, to anyone who can decipher a series of fiendishly clever Masonic clues.
The sequel to “The Da Vinci Code”, “The Lost Symbol” will be released. But it’s okay – you don’t have to read it.
The sequel to “The Da Vinci Code”, “The Lost Symbol” will be released. Apparently, if you read it all the way through, and pay special attention in certain chapters, you can detect some carefully hidden characterisation. / originality.
Prince Harry turns 25 tomorrow, so he no longer has any excuse.
Prince Harry will turn 25. Funny, he doesn’t look a day over 20. And doesn’t act a day over 13.
Prince Harry will turn 25. That’s nearly an ounce!
Brisbane will host the Business Leaders Hall of Fame dinner, before hosting the Hall of Shame “Night of Humiliation”. Should be great!
Brisbane will host the Business Leaders Hall of Fame dinner, though due to economic constraints, this year the Hall of Fame will be held in the hall.
Wednesday, September 16
Chris Isaak will begin his Australian tour in Perth. What a wicked place to play.
Chris Isaak will begin his Australian tour in Perth. He’ll be singing that song, you know, the one he sings. / He’s the world’s most wondrous one-hit wonder.
In Melbourne, the Clemenger Contemporary Art Award will go horribly wrong when the winning piece is actually quite nice to look at. / easy to understand.
In Melbourne, the Clemenger Contemporary Art Award will be won by an obscure artist doing something nobody understands. Deep. / be won by a toddler with a paint-filled balloon.
In Melbourne, the Clemenger Contemporary Art Award will be announced. The winner is cheese!
Wednesday is the Dolly Teen Choice Awards – the winner gets a cloned teenage sheep.
The Dolly Teen Choice Awards will be judged by Silvio Berlusconi.
Wednesday is the Dolly Teen Choice Awards for anyone who likes choosing teens. / Wednesday is the Dolly Teen Choice Awards. My choice will be two blondes and a redhead.
On Wednesday, the secretary of the Australian Nursing Federation will address the National Press Club, before rolling them over and giving them a spongebath. Old habits die hard.
The secretary of the Australian Nursing Federation will address the National Press Club – in a grudge-match bodyslam knockdown!
Thursday, September 17
Thursday is Australian Citizenship Day. So if you don’t want yours revoked, bone up on your Bradman.
Thursday is Australian Citizenship Day. The practical’s tippety.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the latest social trends figures. 20-year-shorter-average-lifespan is the new black!
The Bureau of Statistics will release the latest social trends figures – apparently, tight black jeans are in! / highpants are back in!
The inquiry into bank mergers will report in Canberra, or as it will be known by then, Reservepac ANZNAB.
The inquiry into childcare will report in Canberra, if they can get someone to mind the kids.
On Thursday, Canberra hears inquires into bank mergers and childcare. Though the enquiries themselves will be merged, and we’ll end up with a report on NABC Learning.
On Thursday, Canberra hears inquires into bank mergers and childcare. Apparently, the two are very very different.
Friday, September 18
Friday’s Rock Eisteddfod Grand Final in Melbourne will go horribly wrong when one of the acts is accidentally quite entertaining.
The shortlist for the Prime Minister’s Literary Awards will be announced. This year, it’s down to Bryce Courtney, Thomas Kenneally, and the guy who came up with “fair shake of the sauce bottle”.
On Friday, The Beastie Boys and Pearl Jam will release their new albums, still taking it to the man! Which these days is them.
On Friday, The Beastie Boys and Pearl Jam will release their new albums. Ask your dad.
The Beastie Boys will release their new album: “Hip-Hop Hip Replacements”.
The Beastie Boys will release their new album, “Hello Chemo”. Nasty. / “Ill Chemo-radiation”. It’s time to get cancer!
Pearl Jam will release their new album, “Um, You Do Realise We’re Named After Semen Don’t You?”
Pearl Jam will release their new album: “Rebels Without a Pension”. / “The Grunge Pension Plan”.
In Adelaide, federal Minister for Agriculture Tony Burke will give a talk on “The future of the farm”. Apparently, cows will be wearing jetpacks! / they’ll all have hovercows! / it’ll all be robot chickens and hovercows!
Saturday, September 19
It’s the end of Ramadan. Performing at the closing ceremony will be Denise Drysdale – that’s right, it’s a Ramadan-a-DingDong.
John Farnham’s tour will hit the Hunter Valley. Hopefully one of the hunters gets a good headshot.
John Farnham’s tour will hit the Hunter Valley at the same time as Bill Hunter’s tour hits Farnhamland. Coincidence? No! Because it’s not true! There is no such place as Farnhamland! I made it up!
Sydney will host the final of Miss Earth Australia, which is apt as it’s both in Australia, and on Earth.
Sydney will host the final of Miss Earth, while the alien spacetank from Xorclifex Major will just miss Earth.
Sunday, September 20
Sunday’s Sydney Running Festival will run straight in to Monday’s Wollongong Running Festival.
Brisbane will host the Gluten Free Expo, though please note it will not be glutton-free. / Brisbane will host the Gluten Free Expo. It’s gluten-free gluttony!
Brisbane will host the Gluten Free Expo, though please note it will contain traces of nuts.
Brisbane will host the Gluten Free Expo! Glutophiles will have to go elsewhere for their tasty tasty gluten.
Brisbane will host the Gluten Free Expo, so come along for all the free gluten you can stomach.
L.A. will be hosting the 61st Emmy Awards. One day I’m sure they’ll get sick of it.
$2.7 billion in extra pension money will start being paid – if you win the jackpot! / by random pokie machines.
Monday, September 21
Air New Zealand Fashion Week – all the best New Zealand fashions that are entirely made of air. / that are inflatable.
In Melbourne, it’s the AFL’s night of nights, the Brownlow Medal. Or as it’s otherwise known, the award for the least-violent least-drunken least-drug-addicted yob in fancy clothes. / with the best-looking wife.
In Melbourne, it’s the AFL’s night of nights, the Brownlow Medal. And nothing’s more dignified than something that’s brown and low.
Next Monday, it’s the Brownlow Medal for the AFL’s best and fairest, as if the two things weren’t mutually exclusive.
In Sydney, Jerry Lewis will be the at the Laugh For Life charity fundraiser – Hey, ladies!
In Sydney, Jerry Lewis will be the at the Laugh For Life fundraiser for muscular dystrophy, alongside “Australian comedy royalty” Paul McDermott, and some hack called Mikey Robins.
In Brisbane, it’s the International River Symposium. If we have any left.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the Internet activity figures. It’s one tenth business, nine tenths porn.
Next Monday’s release of the Bureau of Statistics Internet activity figures will be only accessible if you can pass through their firewall. / will be by invitation only. Although I’ve heard you’ll be able to sneak in if you dress as a Trojan.
Next Monday’s release of the Bureau of Statistics Internet activity figures will not be fully catered, although they will provide cookies.
