Tuesday, August 18
Alice Cooper and Pink both tour Wollongong this week. Wollongong – it’s the new Woodstock. / Knebworth. / Madison Square Garden.
Alice Cooper and Pink both tour Wollongong this week, prompting the Mayor to change the name of the town to “Woollonstock”.
Alice Cooper’s tour will hit Wollongong, on its way to Warracknabeal, Rooty Hill and Bandywallop North.
Tomorrow, Alice Cooper will hit Wollongong, where he’s still popular. / the only place he’s still popular. / the only place in the world who still remembers who he is.
Alice Cooper’s tour will hit Wollongong, repeatedly, before snapping its head off and setting it on fire.
Alice Cooper’s tour will arrive in Wollongong. The place won’t know what’s hit it – which is fine, as at his age, Alice Cooper has no idea what he’s hitting.
Rio Tinto will announce its half-year results – apparently, they’re still the overlords of the universe.
Rio Tinto will announce its half-year results, from a Chinese prison.
James Hardie will hold its annual general meeting, though they’ll be once more disappointed when James doesn’t turn up.
James Hardie will hold its annual general meeting, which consists mainly of rubbing their hands and cackling.
The head of the Australian Workers Union will be at the Sydney Institute, if he makes it through the crowd of CEOs outside with placards.
The head of the Australian Workers Union will be at the Sydney Institute. Not in any offical capacity – just to wave a sign and hurl insults.
The head of the Australian Workers Union will be at the Sydney Institute, presented on a silver platter.
Some of Australia’s top scientists, researchers and science students will be in the running for the Eureka Awards, which is a definite improvement on their schoolday “You-Freaka” and “You-Geeka” awards.
The British High Commissioner will be at the National Press Club. Good lord man, I hope he brings his jodhpurs and spats, eh what?
Wednesday, August 19
Wednesday’s Afghanistan National Day will go poorly when the Afghanis can’t agree whether to celebrate, commiserate, or just keep on blowing shit up.
On Wednesday, Finland will host the World Air Guitar Championships. The perfect place to hold a guitar championship that has no guitars – a place called Finland that has no fins.
Finland will host the World Air Guitar Championships, and angry black metallers will respond by burning an air-church.
Qantas will release its yearly results, from a hole in the baggage compartment.
Qantas will release its yearly results on Wednesday – although I’m not sure why.
On Wednesday, Sydney will host the Australian Economic Forum – YEAH! TAKE THAT MELBOURNE!
Thursday, August 20
Thursday’s Afghanistan presidential elections will go sour when it turns out they’re still in the middle of being attacked by foreign invaders, and will be a mite distracted from the proper democratic process.
Thursday’s Afghanistan presidential elections will have a surprise surge of support for a last-minute candidate by the name “Omasa Lin Baden”. Those Groucho Marx glasses might get him over the line.
Sydney will host the Telstra Business Awards – this year, the dress-up theme is Mexican!
Sydney will host the Telstra Business Awards. If you’d like to attend, please, press “1”.
Sydney will host the Telstra Business Awards. If you want to go, you’ll be placed in a queue – but your tickets are important to them, so please hold and an operator will be with you as soon as possible.
In Canberra, the inquiry into govt. funding of public transport will report. What sort of crazy world are they living in where public transport might be funded by the public?
In Canberra, the inquiry into a national beverage container deposit will report. I dunno, that idea sounds recycled.
In Canberra, the inquiry into a national beverage container deposit will report. They’ll posit a deposit: 5 cents profit in the depositor’s pocket – or lock it in the depositor’s posited deposit closet. Was it?
New Zealand Prime Minister John Key will be at the National Press Club – but SHHHHH! / but don’t tell security!
Wesfarmers will announce its full-year results – apparently someone’s taken their letter “t”.
Wesfarmers will announce its full-year results – apparently there aren’t as many farmers called Wes as they’d been expecting.
Wesfarmers will announce its full-year results, which are: try as they might, they’re still having a lot of trouble growing any wes.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the household income figures, which will probably be less than their outgo figures.
Friday, August 21
On Friday, Melbourne will host the Festival of Poker Grand Slam – and I don’t give a damn, ma’am.
Friday’s 40 Hour Famine will be this year joined by the 40 Hour Plague, the 40 Hour War, and the 40 Hour Death. All the fun of the Apocalypse – but for a limited time only!
Friday is the 40 Hour Famine, or as it’s known during the Global Financial Crisis, “Savings Day”. / “Don’t Get Paid Til Monday”.
Friday’s Children’s Book Council Awards on the Gold Coast will be announced. And yet again, Chopper’s totally bloody ROBBED.
On Friday, it’ll be 50 years since Hawaii became an American state. They’re now chatting about how awesome it is with Iraq and Afghanistan.
It’ll be 50 years since Hawaii became an American state, after their leader was toppled by a combined force of English and American military, backed by Euro-American business leaders. Sound familiar, Iraq?
Saturday, August 22
Children’s Book Week will be controversial with the revelation that Mem isn’t actually a real name.
Saturday’s inaugural Body Painting championships in South Australia will go terribly wrong when the supplier fails to come up with enough fresh bodies.
Saturday’s inaugural Body Painting championships in South Australia will go terribly wrong when many of the painted bodies are recognised by grieving relatives.
On Saturday, Pink’s “Funhouse” tour will hit Wollongong, where it will be set on fire by Alice Cooper.
Pink’s “Funhouse” tour will hit Wollongong, a clear sign that she’s running out of places to play.
Sunday, August 23
Sunday’s Hearing Awareness Week will kick off with a fantastic array of (mouth random words silently) and (mouth random words silently). Fun for the whole (mouth random words silently)!
Next week is Hearing Awareness Week – I SAID NEXT WEEK IS HEARING AWARENESS WEEK!
Brisbane hosts the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Festival – it’s the Rolls-Royce of Fashion Festivals! Which is unfortunate.
Brisbane hosts the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Festival, which promises to be better than their last Fashion Festival, the Mercedes Corby.
Brisbane hosts the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Festival, and let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a W10 Fintail in a frock.
Brisbane hosts the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Festival, where you’ll see the latest in hoods, bonnets, and boots. / where you’ll see the latest in hoods, bonnets, boots, and hubcaps.
On the Gold Coast, Sunday’s open day at Bond University. Potential students will be shown around the campus, given a hat that turns into a deadly frisbee, and end the day making love in a yacht after saving the world from criminal masterminds.
On the Gold Coast, Sunday’s open day at Bond University – James Bond University.
On the Gold Coast, Sunday’s open day at Bond University will leave some potential students shaken – but not stirred.
Monday, August 24
Next week is Veterans’ Health Week – or did we just have one of those? I forget.
Next week is Veterans’ Health Week. The horror. The horror.
Keep Australia Beautiful Week will be launched in Sydney, which a rude man might call ironic.
Next Monday’s ‘Keep Australia Beautiful Week’ will be launched in Sydney. Which will turn out to be a major mistake, as it takes the best part of a week just to tidy up Oxford Street.
Next Monday’s Australian Gourmet Traveller will present its restaurant awards, from the back of a ute.
Australian Gourmet Traveller will present its restaurant awards, and Australian Gorey Traveller will present a backpacker’s spine.
Brisbane will host the Local Govt. Association conference. And to all those local councillors coming in from outside the Brisbane area: not so local anymore, are ya.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the Pensioner Living Cost Index, forget where they put it, make a cuppa tea, and stand in the kitchen reminiscing about when they saw the Queen in 1954, ooh, she was so lovely.
Next Monday, Melbourne will host a scientific conference on the “Global Energy & Water Cycle Experiment”. According to their research, clouds are really just water that’s evaporated! Can you believe it?
Next Monday, Melbourne will host a scientific conference on the “Global Energy & Water Cycle Experiment”, a key component of the World Climate Research Program. Or as it’s more commonly known, “Gewcewcrp”.
