Tues, May 26
Tomorrow is National Sorry Day. Had you forgotten? Apologise!
National Sorry Day is coming up again. This year, it’s the indigenous people’s turn! (They’re sorry that they ever believed Kevin’s one.)
The Australian Science Festival in Canberra will unveil a bionic man that can plug into your iPod and play mp3s out of its mouth! They call it, “Mr Speaker”.
A debate on abolishing state governments is to be held tomorrow in Sydney. Understandably. / They’re hoping to abolish theirs before they have to vote for them again.
Tomorrow the Bureau of Statistics will release its report into water use on Australian farms and conclude that it’d be better if more of it came from the sky.
The Bureau of Statistics will release its report into water use on Australian farms. The claims will be shocking – apparently, one farm actually got some water!
Sydney will host a public forum called “Getting To Grips With The Economy”, which is a much better title than the original “We’re all Doomed, Run For Your Lives”. / “Jumping, Hanging, Or Self-Inflicted Shotgun Wound?” / “Ending It All: What Better Time?”
Sydney will host a public forum tomorrow called “Getting To Grips With The Economy”. Expected to be in attendance in false beards are Kevin Citizen and Wayne X.
Wed, May 27
National Reconciliation Week begins on Wednesday. Or Tuesday, depends on who you ask. / they can’t agree.
National Reconciliation Week will get off to a bad start when Wednesday’s opening ceremony begins with a game of chess…
Wednesday’s “Savour Tasmania” festival will go badly when they discover Tasmania tastes like cold dirt and seawater.
Wednesday will be 4 years since Schapelle Corby was convicted of drug trafficking. Her buyers are starting to think that maybe she’s not turning up.
It’ll be 4 years since Schapelle Corby was convicted of drug trafficking. Hang in there Schapelle! Ooh, poor choice of words.
Wednesday is Perth’s turn for the “Rock Paper Scissors” championships, which rock will win easily due to the leftovers from the resources boom.
The W.A. “Rock Paper Scissors” championships in Perth will go badly when the locals spend hours trying to create a pair of scissors out of rock paper.
On Wednesday, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt will turn 3, which is old enough to realise that if you shorten “Shiloh Jolie-Pitt”, you get “Sh’itt”.
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt will turn 3, and has not only learnt how to say her name, but abbreviate it to “Shi’itt”. So cute.
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt will turn 3, and I have to say, she’s blossoming into a really paedo pin-up. / so is pretty much paedy-ready.
Thurs, May 28
On Thursday, Kylie will turn 41. Look Kyles, if you really want that baby you’d better think about returning my phone calls.
On Thursday, Kylie will turn 41. But I’d still do her. / But if you turn her over, I’d still do her.
The “Australian 200” rich list will be announced. Unfortunately, in the current economic climate, it’s down to less than 20. / in the current economic climate, it’s dropped a zero. / it’s anyone with 50 bucks in their pocket. / it’s anyone who owns a house.
The “Australian 200” rich list will be announced – check if you’re on it, there’s a lot of churn.
Fri, May 29
On Friday, the G8 energy meeting in Italy will discuss powering all of Europe with the Italians’ hand gestures as they speak.
Phil Spector will be sentenced for murder in L.A, but, on the bright side, his prison cell offers great reverb! / will be perfect for his Wall of Sound reverb!
On Friday, Phil Spector will be sentenced. He’s likely to get 15 years for murder and an additional decade for “The Long and Winding Road”.
On Friday, Phil Spector will be sentenced for murder. Let it be a lesson, a Wall of Sound is not a plaything.
On Friday, Phil Spector will be sentenced for murder, and announce he’s developed a new production technique, the Four Walls of Sound. / the Cell of Sound.
The Bureau of Statistics will release its report on land management & Australian farms. Apparently we’ve fucked the land, the farmers are all going to die, there’s no water, and we’re going to have to live on dirt, toxic waste, and the tears of our children.
On Friday, the Senate Select Committee for Men’s Health will report by email. And it will be identical to spam. / “Enlarge Your Penis TODAY!” / “Satisfy Your Wife All Night!”
Sat, May 30
Saturday is the biggest day on the English football calendar, the F.A. Cup Final, and the result will likely be a nil-all draw: F.A. to F.A.
Sun, May 31
Sunday is due to be World No Tobacco Day – if they don’t run out of puff.
Sunday is “World No Tobacco Day” – straight joints for everyone!
Sunday’s Australian Petroleum Association conference in Darwin coincides with “No Tobacco Day”, and everyone’s happy.
Mon, June 01
Adelaide will host a forum called “What Matters In Australia Today” and conclude that it sure ain’t in Adelaide.
Adelaide will host a forum called “What Matters In Australia Today”. Turns out it’s not anything Adelaide has to say. / it’s not Adelaide.
It’ll be 10 years since Napster was launched. For the youngsters, that’s what granddad called bittorrent.
The inquiry into tax deductible political donations will report: Canberra
Next Monday is the world premiere of “Mary McKillop – The Musical”, if you fancy some godless entertainment. / if GNW is a bit Godless for you.
