I’m not sure what’s happening in the week ahead. I think my memory erasing pills must be working backwards.
The Japanese space agency will turn their research departments towards developing solar-powered shoes, and hope desperately that they’ll one day have a space program to work on.
Things will go terribly wrong when the artificial terrorist-sniffing nose comes into contact with some of the new unwashed Japanese underwear and arrests every astronaut.
Things will go terribly wrong when the smell-helmet and the terrorist-nose gang up on the unwashed space-undies, and get the robo-teacher to give them all detention.
Things will go terribly wrong when the robot teacher is equipped with a terrorist-sniffing artificial nose, and is so overcome with the whiff of schoolchildren that it gets the entire school arrested.
In the week ahead, we’ll have artificial noses smelling terrorists, artificial teachers raising our children, automatic vehicles carting us around, with artificial smell-helmets on our heads. We can just lie back and SCREAM. / Nothing left for us to do but lie back and totally freak out.
A terrifying week ahead, when a robot teacher wearing space-age undies and driving a puma uses her artificial nose to smell your fear and forces you all to pimp online Bandito merchandise to children. Fortunately it turns out to be an incredibly detailed illusion from a real virtuality helmet and you are able to erase the memory by taking a pill, before accidentally choking on a baitfish. That’s Saggitarius…
Tues, July 28
Tomorrow there’s an anti-corruption conference in Brisbane, though there might not be, for the right price.
Tomorrow there’s an anti-corruption conference in Brisbane. If you want to get in, just say “Spiro sent me”.
In good news, you’ll be able to get into the anti-corruption conference in Brisbane if you slip the bouncer a 50…
Tuesday’s anti-corruption conference in Brisbane will reveal that, while they’ve caught lots of little fish, if they don’t proceed carefully, they run the risk of being choked to death by them.
Tuesday’s anti-corruption conference in Brisbane will get off to a bad start when their anti-terrorist nose-machine smells something dodgy – but it turns out to just be the normal Brisbane alco-sweat.
Tomorrow there’s an anti-corruption conference in Brisbane. God knows who you’ve got to sleep with to get in.
Tomorrow there’s an anti-corruption conference in Brisbane, though for the right price we might be able to erase that particular memory.
Wed, July 29
On Wednesday, Macquarie Bank will hold its annual general meeting, and conclude that we’re annually generally screwed.
On Wednesday, Macquarie Bank will hold its general meeting, so they don’t have to face any of the specifics.
Macquarie Bank will hold its annual general meeting in Sydney. Wear your space-aged undies for that one…
Thurs, July 30
Come along to the ALP National Conference and you can take home your very own budget deficit!
The ALP National Conference will be held on Thursday… anyone got any baitfish?
Thursday’s ALP National Conference will seriously discuss the idea of raising some money with pimpthiscountry.com…
Alumina will announce its half-year profits, boosted by a surprise uptake of robo-teachers.
Alumina will have its half-year profit results announced by a robot teacher.
Alumina will announce its half-year profits – and no-one gives a shit! / an aluminium slurry.
Half-year profit results will be announced by Alumina. And if ever we needed her sleek silver superheroic powers, it is now. / Profits will only be propped up by Alumina using her super-powers to destroy half the workforce.
Half-year profit results will be announced by Alumina, the latest robot teacher. And if they aren’t looking good, she’s going to pimp herself. Hubba hubba.
AXA Asia-Pacific will announce its half-year results and decide that they’ll have to take the AXA to some jobs-a.
AXA Asia-Pacific will announce its half-year results. If only it in some way involved a revolutionary 2-seater car, there might have been something funny in it. But no.
Fri, July 31
Friday’s Australian Festival of Chamber Music will be cancelled as no-one knows how to play a chamber.
Friday’s Australian Festival of Chamber Music will get off to a bad start, when the Chambers they choose to play in turn out to be Kasey.
Friday’s Australian Festival of Chamber Music will get off to a bad start, when it turns out they’re actually playing Chamber Pot Music. Unlikely but true – and oh what a stench.
Friday’s Australian Festival of Chamber Music will get off to a bad start, when it turns out everyone else is living in 2009. HELLO! NO-ONE LISTENS TO CHAMBER MUSIC ANY MORE!
Friday’s Australian Festival of Chamber Music will be followed by the Australian Festival of Torture Chamber Music.
Friday’s Australian Festival of Chamber Music will be torture. Chamber. Music.
Friday sees the Good Food & Wine Show kick off in Perth. Expect the very best “pie-floaters and a pot” in the world!
Friday sees the Good Food & Wine Show kick off in Perth. At least it’ll be better than the Adelaide one – they don’t call ‘em “croweaters” for nothing.
Perth’s Good Food & Wine Show will be slightly better than their OK Food & Drinkable Wine Show.
Due to the recession, Perth’s Good Food & Wine Show will bring you the finest tastes and smells virtual reality can synthesise!
Perth’s Good Food & Wine Show will find that its modest name hasn’t lowered expectations sufficiently.
Friday sees the Good Food & Wine Show kick off in Perth. Mmm-mm – all the sandgropers you can eat. / Yum – black swans marinated in sand.
Friday sees the Good Food & Wine Show kick off in Perth. But it’s not just sandgropers – there’s also sand.
Perth’s Good Food & Wine Show will hopefully be a hell of a lot better than the shit they usually eat there.
Sat, August 01
The Australian Karaoke Championships grand final in Melbourne will be won by a robotic teacher from Japan…
The Australian Karaoke Championships grand final in Melbourne will be cancelled when it’s discovered that some of the contestants are just singing along to a backing tape.
On Saturday, it’s the Australian Karaoke Championships grand final. Who knows, it might be the closest for a while us Aussies are going to get to a world champion in a bouncing ball sport.
On Saturday, it’s the Australian Karaoke Championships grand final. So at least there’s one sport with a bouncing ball that we might not be shit at.
Wed, August 05
The Australasian Housing Researchers conference in Sydney goes sour when they can’t afford the rent…
The Australasian Housing Researchers conference will decide that it might be cheaper just to hand out fully-immersive virtual reality helmets to the homeless and let them happily die of malnutrition.
The Australasian Housing Researchers conference in Sydney will be evicted, but will seek solace in pimpthisconference.com…
