Tuesday, August 04
The world’s longest golf course will be finished at Ceduna. The only way to get a hole-in-one is to airlift the ball to the other end.
The world’s longest golf course will be finished at Ceduna. One day, I hope to hit a hole-in-58.
The world’s longest golf course will be finished at Ceduna. It’s so big, you don’t shout “fore”, you shout “fifty-three”.
New Zealand Prime Minister John Key will be at the business leaders’ forum in Brisbane. But security will swiftly deal with that little slip-up.
New Zealand Prime Minister John Key will be at the business leaders’ forum in Brisbane, for any businesses who’ve set their sights low.
Kevin Rudd will be at the Pacific Islands Forum leaders’ meeting in Cairns – hopefully wearing a grass skirt!
Sydney will host a debate “That The Media Cannot Be Trusted”. And to avoid having any media involved, the debate will be held in the dark, at the bottom of a well, in a hessian sack.
Sydney will host a debate “That The Media Cannot Be Trusted”. Or will it? / Apparently. / Or so they say. / I don’t believe it.
A photography exhibition called “Faces Of Afghanistan” will open in Brisbane, although the neighbouring exhibition, “Limbs of Afghanistan”, contains no photos.
A photography exhibition called “Faces Of Afghanistan” will open in Brisbane, alongside “Scattered Limbs of Afghanistan”, and “Not Sure What That Is, But It’s Sure Had The Crap Bombed Out Of It”.
In Beenleigh, there’ll be a hearing into the impact of the financial crisis on regional Australia. Which, because of the financial crisis, will be the most excitement Beenleigh’s seen in ages.
In Beenleigh, there’ll be a hearing into the impact of the financial crisis on regional Australia. Apparently things are getting so bad even the cows are selling off their share portfolios.
Barack Obama will turn 48. Voice of youth my arse.
Tomorrow, Barack Obama turns 48! For a special birthday treat, Michelle will let him bang her in the Oval Office.
Wednesday, August 05
Dr. Phil will be touring. And how does that make you feel?
On Wednesday, Dr. Phil’s tour will hit Melbourne, but he’s actually looking forward to visiting Sydney – he hears it has its very own Oprah House.
In L.A., rapper Chris Brown will be sentenced for his assault on Rihanna, when he really should be sentenced for his assault on MUSIC.
In L.A., Chris Brown will be sentenced for his assault on Rihanna – and yet Rihanna still walks free. My ears have been repeatedly assaulted by “Umbrella” – but where’s MY aural justice? Huh?
Brisbane will host the Australian Drug Foundation’s “Thinking Drinking” conference – now that’s one after-party that’ll totally go OFF!
Brisbane will host the Australian Drug Foundation’s “Thinking Drinking” conference, which will be a nice change from Brisbane’s standard “Thinking, Drinking, Falling over and Vomiting” conferences.
Brisbane will host the Australian Drug Foundation’s “Thinking Drinking” conference, ahead of next month’s conferences on “Coping with Doping”, “Not Joking About Smoking”, “Can you Hack Smack?”, “You Don’t Need Speed”, “Don’t Get Placid With Acid”, and “Dammit Nothing Rhymes with Marijuana”.
The inquiry into the National Broadband Network will hold hearings in Canberra. You can listen in if you’ve got a tin can and a sufficiently long bit of twine.
Ferret, the spokesman for the United Motorcycle Council of N.S.W., will be at the National Press Club in Canberra. Finally, the journos can buy some of the really GOOD shit!
Thursday, August 06
Hiroshima Day – should be a blast!
Thursday is Hiroshima Day – ooh, that’s bound to have some fall-out.
David Copperfield’s tour will hit Brisbane – or will it?
David Copperfield will tour Australia. Or at least, will APPEAR to…
There’s the Byron Bay Writers’ Festival, where writers will get to sit around, smoke dope and talk shit. Poor guys never get to have a holiday.
Friday, August 07
“Jeans For Genes Day” this year will be combined with “Docs for Docs”, “Purses for Nurses”, and “Skirts for Where It Hurts”. / “Petticoats for Antidotes”. / and the bald-men-only “Chrome-domes for Chromosomes”.
Megan Gale will turn 33 – although by now she’s calmed down to more of a Megan Breeze. / Megan Occasional Gust.
Friday sees the opening of the fashion exhibition “Dressing Up Brisbane” – see this year’s hottest flannies and wife-beaters!
Friday sees the opening of the fashion exhibition “Dressing Up Brisbane”. Apparently to clothe the entire landmass that makes up the city, they’re going to need 5906 square kilometres of flannelette, and stubbies the size of Canberra.
The inquiry into the immigration detention reform bill will report in Canberra, if the commissioners ever get let out. / are ever seen again.
Saturday, August 08
Melbourne will host the Chocolate Rush Festival, featuring not just masterclasses, tastings and awards, but over-18s Chocolate Wrestling. Because what taste sensation can’t be improved by nude women throwing each other in it?
Melbourne will host the Chocolate Rush Festival, featuring not just masterclasses, tastings and awards, but over-18s Chocolate Wrestling. And, if you’ve ever tried it, you’ll know that trying to fight off a 90 kilogram éclair is no mean feat. (Some of those soft-looking chockies have a damn hard centre.)
David Copperfield’s tour will hit Sydney – or will it??
Monday, August 10
In Sydney, the Centre For Independent Studies will host the Big Ideas Forum. Just a couple for you if you’re going: edible taxis and spreadable CDs. It’s about time.
In Sydney, the Centre For Independent Studies will host the Big Ideas Forum. They’ve already had several submissions: a giant hamster, a really big snowball, and a pineapple the size of the Moon.
The National Press Club is hosting a couple of speeches: Federal Climate Change Minister Penny Wong and the spokesman for the United Motorcycle Council of N.S.W, Ferret. Ferret will actually have the better carbon reduction scheme – emit greenhouse gas and cop a fumping.
