Tues, May 05
Tuesday sees the outcome of the latest Reserve Bank board meeting: apparently, we’re all doomed! Still!
The Reserve Bank board meets again tomorrow. Isn’t it about time they were promoted to the seniors?
The Reserve Bank board meets again tomorrow. Sometimes, I really wish they weren’t so reserved.
The Reserve Bank board meets again tomorrow, where they plan to help excite the economy by renaming themselves “The Goin’ Sick Bank”. / “The Unreserve Bank”. / “The Wild and Crazy Bank”.
Wed, May 06
Wednesday sees the Academy of Science annual conference & awards in Canberra. Ah, just too exciting! / Canberra’s only exciting day!
Canberra hosts the Academy of Science annual conference & awards. If someone wants to scoop the pool, all they’ll have to do is invent a new economy.
Canberra hosts the Academy of Science annual conference & awards. Hopefully someone has invented another planet for us to live on.
Wednesday sees the Academy of Science annual conference & awards in Canberra. See the very best in cloud-seeding, wheat modification, and space-aged akubras.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the international trade figures. Apparently, the official figure is “bugger all”.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the international trade figures, have a cigarette, roll over and fall asleep.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the retail trend figures. And this season’s trend is plunging everything.
On Wednesday, the Bureau of Statistics will release the international trade and retail trend figures. They’re able to do it all on the same day since there’s so little to count.
On Wednesday Malcolm Turnbull will be at the National Press Club in Canberra. And I’m not just telling that to the assassins. / I’m talking to you, al-Qaida…
On Wednesday, Malcolm Turnbull will be at the National Press Club, and I’ll be somewhere else.
On Wednesday, Westpac will announce its half-year results, then twirl its moustache while cackling.
Thurs, May 07
On Thursday, the latest “Star Trek” movie will be released. At last, a reason for the 60 year-old nerds to leave the house. Careful fellas – it’s mighty bright outside these days.
On Thursday, the latest “Star Trek” movie will be released. Because really, the Star Trek universe just hasn’t been adequately covered in the last 50 years. / half a century.
The latest “Star Trek” movie will be released on Thursday. Though anyone who’s interested in that news is probably already queuing up. (With their pointy ears on.)
The new “Star Trek” movie will reflect a more somber assessment of the future, but promises “to boldly go down the street and fight off the hordes of unemployed”.
On Thursday, the latest “Star Trek” movie will be released, but without an appearance from the actor who originally played Dr McCoy. In these days of environmental catastrophe, no-one wants to talk to someone called “DeForrest”. Oh, and he’s been dead for ten years.
The Insurance Council of Australian annual dinner in Sydney will get off to a bad start when there is a flood, a fire, and several acts of God during the aperitifs.
The hearing into Australian food production in Canberra will confirm that not nearly enough of it is created by getting a space-aged powder and just adding water.
The Senate inquiry into saving the Goulburn & Murray rivers will report on Thursday. BYO water. / If you’re thinking of going, it’s BYO water.
On Thursday, six separate reports are being handed down in Canberra. Boy, they must contain some serious bad news. / That’s going to be like reading Australia’s obituary.
Fri, May 08
Friday’s tribute dinner for Brendan Nelson in Sydney will go badly when it turns out he’s not dead after all.
Friday’s tribute dinner for Brendan Nelson will be star-studded, though sadly unstudded by people.
Friday’s tribute dinner for Brendan Nelson will feature a performance from Australia’s favourite Brendan Nelson tribute band, the “Not Sorrys”. / the “Enormous Foreheads”.
On Friday, the Tidy Towns Australia winner is announced in Canberra, and will be asked to clean up the mess. / the mess the country’s in.
Sat, May 09
And Saturday is Buddha Day! Celebrate by sparking up the stinkiest stickiest buddha you can find. Oh -THAT Buddha.
Saturday is Buddha Day – well worth reincarnating for. / it’s worth the reincarnation.
Saturday is Buddha Day, so to all Buddhists, “Happy Buddha-day to you…”
Saturday is Buddha Day, or as he’s known in Australia, “Buddho”. On ya, Buddho!
And Saturday is Buddha Day! Woo! Expound the dharma! Yeah!
Sun, May 10
For Mothers’ Day, say hello to Rove’s mother for me. (I know I will be…)
On Sunday, say hello to your mother for me. Dammit, I hate it when our material gets pre-empted by Rove.
André Rieu will personally launch the Mothers’ Day screening of his 419th DVD, “Live In Australia”. If you like him and you’re not a mother, grow a pair will you? (And I’m not talking breasts.)
André Rieu will personally launch the Mothers’ Day screening of his 419th DVD, “Live In Australia”, though hopefully he’ll be mistaken for a cardboard cut-out and put in storage.
Mon, May 11
National Volunteers Week will be cancelled due to lack of available workers.
Next week is National Volunteers Week, when volunteers from all walks of life will find there’s no-one left to serve the soup.
National Volunteers Week will be fantastic, if they can just find someone who’s willing to do all the work for free.
The Australian Advertising & Marketing Summit begins in Melbourne – yeah! Not to be missed! BE THERE!
The Victorian Transport Infrastructure Summit in Melbourne will be great, if people can only find some way of getting there.
The Victorian Transport Infrastructure Summit in Melbourne will cancelled due to vandalism. / due to overheating in the carriages. / will be running late. Connex apologises for the inconvenience.
The Victorian Transport Infrastructure Summit will be cancelled due to the late running of previous summits.
Monday’s hearing into bullying of children & young people will have its lunch money stolen. / will get off to a bad start when it’s given a massive wedgie and locked in the toilets.
