Tuesday, June 09
Tomorrow’s Queenslander Of The Year award will be decided by most bongs in a row with one match. / decided by a boat race and a game of soggy biscuit. / decided by meat-raffle.
Tomorrow, the Queenslander of the Year will be announced! Will it be the Prime Minister, the Treasurer, or some guy who can fit two pineapples up his arse?
The N.A.B. will release the latest business confidence survey. If they have the guts.
The N.A.B. will release the latest business confidence survey. It basically goes “Do you have any confidence in business? And why not?”
Tomorrow, Kevin Rudd will speak at the Business Summit dinner in Melbourne. He’s got a few things to say about what they’re having for dinner. / about white meat.
Tomorrow, Kevin Rudd will speak at the Business Summit dinner in Melbourne. He’s hoping to bring back a doggy bag for Treasury.
Over the next couple of nights, Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull will each address the Business Summit dinner in Melbourne. This year, expect plenty of doggy bags.
Over the next couple of nights, Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull will each address the Business Summit dinner in Melbourne. The Summit will reach a definite conclusion that Bob Brown sucks.
Over the next couple of nights, Kevin Rudd and Malcolm Turnbull will each address the Business Summit dinner in Melbourne. Rudd’s will cost slightly more, but Turnbull’s is strictly no smoking.
Wednesday, June 10
Sydney’s Craft & Quilt Fair will erupt in violence when tensions boil over between the straight-stitch and cross-stitch factions. It’s been coming. / We all knew it’d happen one day.
Sydney’s Craft & Quilt Fair will be patchy. No, sorry, patchWORKy.
Sydney’s Craft & Quilt Fair will be reveal their theme song is Starship’s “We Quilt This City”.
The Bureau of Statistics will release the employees-&-earnings figures, which this year are sporting the waif look.
Sydney will hold a hearing into homelessness & low-rent accommodation. Just tacky. / Apparently in Sydney, there just isn’t either.
Sydney will hold a hearing into homelessness & low-rent accommodation. The hearing will recommend that the best way to deal with the problem is to simply sweep it under the carpet and hope it goes away, while launching something to distract the general public, like some sort of hearing. / while convincing the general public that you’re actually doing something. Launching a “hearing” usually does the trick.
Sydney will hold a hearing into homelessness & low-rent accommodation. The hearing will recommend that the best way to deal with the problem is to simply try not to mention it, and hope that the horrible poor people all just die.
On Wednesday, a report on Australian hospital statistics will be released. The statistics on the statistics are so staggering, we’ll need another report to analyse them.
Thursday, June 11
Thursday is the Australian Football Awards. Unlike their women, they’ll have to accept them one at a time.
On Thursday, Sydney plays host to the Australian Football Awards, although what’s always more fun is the after-gangbang.
Oz Minerals will hold its annual general meeting, followed by Oz Vegetables, Oz Animals, and Something Beginning with C.
On Thursday, it’s the Queensland Greats awards in Brisbane, honouring individuals & institutions whose achievements have played a significant role in the history & development of the state. It will be decided by most bongs in a row with one match. / decided by a boat race and a game of soggy biscuit. / decided by meat-raffle.
Thursday sees the Hearing Into Foreign Investment By State-Owned Entities in Canberra. Pah – how come Canberra always gets the really exciting events?
Sydney will host a hearing into the judicial system & judge appointments, which is well worth getting a speeding ticket for. (Just say someone else was driving.)
Friday, June 12
On Friday, Russia’s National Day will be an Absolut Debacle.
Friday is the National Day for both Russia and the Philippines. Personally, I think that’s enough reason for a war.
The Iran presidential elections, hardliners vs. moderates, will be decided by most hookahs in a row with one match. / decided by a boat race and a game of soggy falafel. / decided by camel-meat-raffle.
On Friday, Sanctuary Cove on the Gold Coast will celebrate its 21st birthday with the help of Gordon Ramsay. Perfect for those who find Schoolies a bit refined.
Friday is the 21st birthday of the Gold Coast gated community of Sanctuary Cove. Gordon Ramsay is helping celebrate, though they may not understand what he’s saying. / his language.
On Friday, Gordon Ramsay will help Sanctuary Cove celebrate its 21st birthday on the Gold Coast, by swearing at them, chucking a tanty, and kicking them all out.
The Queen’s Birthday honours list will be announced in Canberra. According to Her Majesty, it will be decided by most bongs in a row with one match. / decided by a boat race and a game of soggy biscuit. / decided by meat-raffle.
Saturday, June 13
Saturday’s Australian Air Guitar championships in Melbourne will clash with the South Australian Karaoke championships in Adelaide. It’ll be a tough night for fans of people who fake musical talent – where to go?
And, on Saturday, to prevent the Air Guitar championships in Melbourne clashing with the Karaoke championships in Adelaide, both groups will meet on the border, and fake beautiful music together.
Sunday, June 14
Sunday’s “Brisbane to Noosa bike ride” will go badly when the Brisbanians waste all day trying to noose their bike rides. / trying to noose a bike ride.
Monday, June 15
Canberra’s State Of The Nation conference will collapse when they discover that – technically – it’s a Territory.
Next Monday’s “State Of The Nation conference” in Canberra will decide that, yes, we’re screwed – but at least we’re NICE.
The inquiry into the govt’s Nation Building Program will report in Canberra, saying that it turns out we’ve got one already. Heh – who knew?
The inquiry into the govt’s Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme will report on Monday – apparently we can reduce carbon pollution drastically just by making cars the size of a box of matches. So simple!
Next Monday, the inquiry into the govt’s Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme will give a glowing report, if it doesn’t want there to be an Inquiry Board Member Reduction Scheme.
