Tues, Nov. 11
Tomorrow we’ll celebrate the 33rd anniversary of the day Gough Whitlam was given the sack. But for some reason, the day he was given the egg and spoon still remains uncommemorated.
Tomorrow is the 90th Remembrance Day. Not sure what that’s about.
Tomorrow is the 128th anniversary of Ned Kelly’s hanging. Surely he’s dead by now? / Time to hoist him down, I’d say.
Tomorrow of course is Wotsiname day, you know, the day when Gough Thingamy got sacked and Ned Whosit was hanged.
Tomorrow sees the “Asia-Pacific Defence & Security Expo” take place in Adelaide. Coz when I think “Asia-Pacific”, I think Adelaide. / Coz Adelaide is going to be crucial in the Defence of the Asia-Pacific. / Coz Adelaide is the last place our enemies will look.
Adelaide hosts the Asia-Pacific Defence & Security Expo, and will be assessed for its suitability as a nuclear waste dump.
Tomorrow sees the “Asia-Pacific Defence & Security Expo” take place in Adelaide. After all, if you want a city that really gets defensive about its security issues, it’s Adelaide.
Tomorrow sees Miss World 2008 held in Johannesburg, after being moved from the Ukraine due to fears of regional instability. And why wouldn’t the Russians send the tanks in to capture the world’s most beautiful women?
Wed, Nov. 12
Wednesday sees the Comedy Gala celebrate Prince Charles’ 60th birthday in London – turns out that whole Camilla thing was a big joke!
Prince Charles’ 60th birthday will be celebrated with a Comedy Gala. All of Britain’s best comics are dusting off their best “big ears” gags.
On Wednesday, the London Comedy Gala will celebrate Prince Charles’ 60th birthday – after all, that guy’s a fucking crack-up. / what a joke.
On Wednesday, the London Comedy Gala will celebrate Prince Charles’ 60th birthday. Never before will you have heard so many jokes about architecture. Just hilarious!
Prince Charles’ 60th birthday will be celebrated with a Comedy Gala. He’s going to be doing a routine about architecture and hunting grouse! / He’ll be getting up there and doing his “That stupid Diana bitch” routine. Hilarious!
On Wednesday, the “Privacy & Identity conference” will be held in Melbourne – disguised as Sydney.
Melbourne plays host to a Privacy & Identity conference; you can download the full delegate list online.
On Wednesday, the Hearing Into Commercial Broadcasting Regulation will be delivered in Canberra. Apparently, they’ve concluded we need more hard-hitting social satire, and less fart jokes. So there goes our show.
Wednesday will see the “Conference On Health Effects Of Wireless Internet & Mobile Phones” in Melbourne. Sponsored by the “It’s Not Brain Cancer I’m Sure It’s Just A Headache” Foundation.
Proceedings from Wednesday’s conference on health effects of wireless internet & mobile phones will be downloadable via wi-fi, Bluetooth or cigarette.
Wednesday will see the “Conference On Health Effects Of Wireless Internet & Mobile Phones” in Melbourne. Key speeches include “It’s totally fine, I swear”, “Don’t worry, it’s just a headache”, and “Braincancer – friend or foe?”
Wednesday sees the Spirit of Youth awards. If they capture it, they can finally refill the fountain!
Wednesday’s “Spirit Of Youth awards” in Sydney will be followed by the “Spirit of Youch awards” when someone drops the trophies on their feet.
Wednesday’s “Spirit of Youth Awards” in Sydney will be followed by the “Spirit of Middle Age Awards”, the “Spirit of Old Age Awards”, and the “Spirit… Awards”.
Wednesday’s Spirit of Youth Awards will be won by an ineffable wisp of nothingness.
At ANZ’s AGM, the CEO will report the ROI is FUBAR. / S.H.I.T. / A over T. / down to sweet F.A. / is SNAFU.
Thurs, Nov. 13
Thursday is World Kindness Day. Awwww.
Thursday is World Kindness Day, which sounds so sickening it makes me want to punch someone in the throat.
Thursday’s “World Kindness Day” will ask everyone to be a little kinder. Well, kinda.
Thursday’s “Guinness World Records Day” breaks the record for the “day most devoted to the greatest number of world records collated in a single book” record – again!
Thursday is the fourth annual Guinness World Records Day, which is a new world record.
The 10th Annual IF awards will decide which of this year’s Aussie films least deserved to be the miserable flops they were.
Thursday sees the 10th Inside Film awards on the Gold Coast, with a longer-than-expected list of nominations. Turns out that most films are watched inside. / that there’re are a lot of films being watched inside.
On Thursday, the “Hearing Into State Of Remote & Regional Indigenous Communities” will be swept under the carpet in Canberra.
On Thursday, Commissioner Elizabeth Broderick will launch the Sex Discrimination report in Sydney, if the Global Corporate Patriarchy let her.
On Thursday, Commissioner Elizabeth Broderick launches the Sex Discrimination report in Sydney, which will be skimmed over, rejected, and asked to make a cup of tea, there’s a good girl.
On Thursday, Commissioner Elizabeth Broderick launches the Sex Discrimination report in Sydney, which will be rejected, ignored, and rendered ineffectual by the ruling patriarchal elite.
Fri, Nov. 14
On Friday, World Diabetes Day will be celebrated with some tofu, warm gruel and a glass of juice. Party hearty!
On Friday, “World Diabetes Day” will have its name changed to the much more positive “World Live-abetes Day”.
Friday is World Diabetes Day. Damn these diabetics get a lot of days. Guess it makes up for the lack of sugar. / AND they get to keep all their teeth.
Friday’s Inquiry into the Mohamed Haneef debacle will report that he most definitely and incontrovertibly has a pretty suss-sounding name. / has one of them terrorist names. / just, you know, looks a bit Muslim.
On Friday, Prince Charles will turn 60, and will pass out in his own vomit after raiding Harry’s stash. / after pulling a few too many buckets with Harry.
Sat, Nov. 15
Saturday is McHappy Day. Unless you’re one of the losers who have to work there. In which case it’s just another Shitty McGrind Day.
Saturday is McHappy Day. Sunday is McQueasy Day, and Monday is McAcne, McCellulite and McColonoscopy Day.
Saturday is McHappy Day, the one day of the year when eating McDonald’s could potentially make you happy.
Saturday is McHappy Day, which coincides with Sad Jack’s Day.
On Saturday, George Dubya Bush will host a summit on the global financial crisis with leaders of the G20 – once someone tells him what it is.
Kevin Rudd will attend the G20 summit on the financial crisis in Washington. Unless Dubya accidentally sends him the wrong address… oh sorry, just too stupid I guess! / whoops, another gaffe!
Kevin Rudd will attend the G20 summit in Washington, and be disappointed that stupid Bush is still hosting it rather than that nice Obama who he would never insult.
Saturday’s 2008 Melbourne Sexpo will be a massive flop…
Saturday’s 2008 Melbourne Sexpo will be a disaster when the opening time’s printed wrong on the poster, and everybody comes too early.
Saturday’s 2008 Melbourne Sexpo will have difficulties when too many people come. (…and the floor gets all sticky.)
2008 Melbourne Sexpo will have a special stall of cartoon characters that you can take home and root. Though they’re still not really the marrying kind.
Sun, Nov. 16
Hobart hosts the Aged Care Association annual congress, and they’re lucky to get it that often at that age.
Sunday’s Aged Care Association annual congress in Hobart will have a tea and a biscuit, and reminisce. / and a good old yarn.
Sunday’s Aged Care Association annual congress will kick off in Hobart. Well, where else are you going to hold a Congress on Aged Care, King’s Cross?
Sunday sees the “Awesome International Arts Festival for Bright Young Things” in Perth, but unfortunately the festival collapses under its own cuteness. / under the weight of its own coolness. / but unfortunately the festival vanishes up its own bright young arse.
On Sunday, Perth hosts the Awesome International Arts Festival for Bright Young Things, which should bring a flood of total wankers. / so expect to see plenty of awesome bright young wankers.
On Sunday, Perth hosts the Awesome International Arts Festival for Bright Young Things, which should be totally rad, daddy’o.
Sunday’s Medical Bionics Conference in Lorne will prove that, unfortunately, the Six Million Dollar Man could never be made for anything under a cool squillion.
The Medical Bionics Conference in Lorne will be disrupted by a Japanese man trying desperately to bring his cartoon lover to life.
Mon, Nov. 17
Next Monday’s COAG meeting on the financial crisis will take a turn for the worse when the whole lot of them leap out of the window and go plummeting to their grisly deaths.
Next Monday’s “Hearing into Future Of Fuel & Energy” will discover report that we’re totally fucked. / will discover that there isn’t one.
Next Monday’s “Hearing into Future Of Fuel & Energy” will decide whether our nuclear waste dump can be solar-powered.
Monday’s hearing into the future of fuel & energy in Perth will warn that, unless something drastic is done about fuel and energy usage, the entire world might end up looking like Perth. Just ghastly.
Monday’s Alternative Transport Fuels forum will hear from the nuclear lobby that nuclear cars are a clean, green alternative. Plus they never break down! Although they do occasionally melt down.
5 years since Arnold Schwarzenegger became Governor of California. He’s going to go back in time and try to stop it from happening. / Talking about lunatic MPs…
Next Monday the Dalai Lama hosts a meeting of Tibetan leaders on China, where they’ll decide that they really are much too powerful to stand up to, and they might as well give up now.
