Tues, Oct. 14
On Tuesday, Wayne Carey will face U.S. court for assaulting police. His best chance, and it’s a long shot, is to try to convince the courts it was actually Jim Carrey.
Wayne Carey will trial in the U.S. for assaulting police, but his defence will collapse when he attacks the judge. / beats up his lawyer.
Tomorrow’s report into renewable energy will recommend we power everything by kangaroos which we can then eat.
On Tuesday, the Inquiry Into Renewable Energy is due to report in Canberra. To reduce their carbon footprint, the report will be entirely printed on leaves.
The 2008 Man Booker Prize will probably be won by a man. Who wrote a book. Er…
There’ll be the first Aussie previews of Woody Allen’s new film “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”, which are the names of his next three wives.
On Tuesday, a special media preview of Woody Allen’s new film will be screened in Sydney, and, as usual, will divide the audience into people who just love Woody Allen no matter how shit he is, and those who can only think of him as an incestuous paedophile.
On Tuesday, a special media preview of Woody Allen’s new film will be screened in Sydney, prompting a unanimous call for him to just stop making movies and go back to molesting his stepdaughters.
Wed, Oct. 15
On Wednesday, it’s National “Ride To Work” Day. If you don’t have a bike, you’d better take a drive to the bike shop soon.
National Ride To Work Day will be great fun for those of us with bikes who still have jobs.
Wednesday’s National Preventive Health Summit will prevent more health than ever before!
On Wednesday, the National Preventive Health Summit in Sydney will confirm that maybe it’s a better idea to try and prevent sickness instead.
On Wednesday, it’s the third U.S. presidential debate. Don’t know about you, but I’m sick to death of hearing about it! By the time someone’s actually elected, will anyone give a shit?
On Wednesday, it’s the third U.S. presidential debate. Fascinating for those of you who want to see foreign elitists in-fighting.
The final U.S. presidential debate will be replaced with mud-slinging – in the Thunderdome!
On Wednesday, Todd McKenney will be in court on drugs. Charges, on drugs charges. Sorry, someone must have spiked my drink.
On Wednesday, Todd McKenney will appear in court on drugs charges, and, most likely, on drugs.
Thurs, Oct. 16
On Thursday, it’s World Food Day! Finally – I can eat!
On Thursday, it’s World Food Day! The starving millions can hardly wait!
On Thursday, it’s World Food Day! Unfortunately, it’s being sponsored by The Testicle Cookbook.
On Thursday, it’s World Food Day! Apparently, the poor will be given the leftovers from the wedding cheeseburger. They’ll even warm up the cold fries in the microwave for ‘em.
World Food Day will highlight the plight of the undernourished: the third world, the famine-stricken, the stockbrokers…
Canberra’s inquiry into protection for whistleblowers will be hamstrung when no whistleblowers are willing to testify.
Canberra will hold an inquiry into protection for whistleblowers and recommend spit-guards.
On Thursday, we’ll see the Inquiry Into Protection For Whistleblowers in Canberra hold their first hearings, where they’ll discover that the best protection for whistleblowers is a good pair of earplugs. Those whistles can be very shrill. Very shrill indeed.
On Thursday, the Senate report on fertiliser pricing is due in Canberra – and who said Canberra had nothing on? / Canberra wasn’t exciting?
On Thursday, the Senate report on fertiliser pricing is due in Canberra. It’s Canberra’s biggest day!
The Senate report on fertiliser pricing will conclude that it’s still far too affordable for terrorists.
On Thursday, the Infrastructure 2008 conference begins in Adelaide. And, if you ask me, there’s nothing in this world that’s more exciting than Adelaide infrastructure. / And if there’s one thing more exciting than Adelaide, it’s infrastructure!
Fri, Oct. 17
On Friday, the Water Saving Expo is on in Melbourne. It’ll just be a whole lot of taps, turned to “off”. / It’ll be the biggest display of turned-off-taps in the Southern Hemisphere!
Sat, Oct. 18
On Saturday, it’s the beginning of the “So You Think You Can Dance” auditions in Brisbane! It’s great that they give bootscootin’ the recognition it deserves. / You’ll’ve never seen so much bootscootin’!
Saturday sees the first auditions for “So You Think You Can Dance”. If you’re interested, you’ve first got to make the finals of “So You Think You Can Audition”.
On Saturday, the 21st Tokyo International Film Festival begins, screening all the best international films from Tokyo.
On Saturday, there’ll be an A.C.T. election. Do you really want to know more?
Sun, Oct. 19
National Water Week will be held on Sunday and Wednesday between 6 and 8 am.
And on Sunday, less than a week after World Food Day, it’s the start of National Water Week! Once they establish “clean air month”, “day of peace” and “everything’s okay week”, all the world’s problems will be solved!
On Sunday, it’s the 2008 ARIA Awards! And I’ve got a good feeling, that THIS is my year!
The 2008 ARIA Awards will feature no subliminal ads eat Chupa Chups drink Coke.
On Sunday, Melbourne hosts the “Around The Bay In A Day” Bike Ride. And if you can’t make it around in a day, you’re killed. Frankly you’re a drain on society.
On Sunday, the Association of Financial Advisers conference will kick off in Melbourne, and let me tell you, those Financial Advisors know how to throw a conference! Woo!
Sunday’s Association of Financial Advisers conference will require a 24 hour suicide watch.
Sunday’s Association of Financial Advisers conference will feature testosterone-fuelled daredevil activities – and the survivors will envy the dead!
On Sunday, the Association of Financial Advisers conference will kick off in Melbourne. You want testosterone? Now you know the place to go.
Mon, Oct. 20
On Monday, Dannii Minogue will turn 37! Is it too early to start calling her “Granny” Minogue? It’s too early, isn’t it.
Dannii Minogue turns 37, and parts of her face turn 12.
Next Monday, Qantas will launch its first A380 Airbus flight – that’s more plane to plummet than ever!
