Tues, Nov. 18
Macquarie Bank announces half-year results – apparently, it’s 182 and a half days.
On Tuesday, Australia’s top 1000 companies will be announced – and it’ll turn out they’re all owned by multinationals.
On Tuesday, Australia’s top 1000 companies will be announced – and they’re all TV pirates!
On Tuesday, Australia’s top 1000 companies will be announced. Who knew we had 1000 companies left?
Tomorrow sees the premiere of “Australia”. About time too, I’m sick of living in an unpremiered country.
Tuesday sees the premiere of the blockbuster “Australia”. And, in a handful of arthouse cinemas, it’s the premiere of “The 40,000 Years Before It Was Australia”.
Tuesday sees the premiere of the blockbuster “Australia”. Of course, we’ve all already downloaded it…
Baz, Nicole & Hugh will all be on the red carpet in Sydney. Which I have to assume isn’t just a metaphor for them all having their period.
Baz, Nicole & Hugh will attend the premiere of “Australia” in Sydney. Just to prove that they not only made a film called “Australia”, they also occasionally like to visit. / Because, when they’re not living it up somewhere else in the world, they really do call Australia ‘home’.
Mickey Mouse turns 80. When he says “hello boys and girls” these days, it’s a little bit scary. / creepy.
Tomorrow sees Mickey Mouse turn 80. Maybe it’s time for him to throw in the cheese.
Tomorrow sees Mickey Mouse turn 80. And there’s nothing sadder than an old cartoon mouse sitting alone trying to blow out 80 candles.
Mickey Mouse turns 80. These days if you take the Mickey, he might never find himself again.
Tomorrow sees Mickey Mouse turn 80. He attributes his longevity to never wearing a shirt.
Tomorrow sees all 565 of Australia’s mayors meet with Kevin Rudd at the Inaugural Australian Council of Local Governments. It’ll be the most high-level discussion of parking fines the world’s ever seen! / parking fines, roundabouts and dog poo the world’s ever seen!
Tomorrow, all 565 of Australia’s mayors will meet with Kevin Rudd. And he’ll give them up to 30 seconds of full attention about their problems. / It’s like the 2020 Summit, but without the “best and brightest” part. / Rudd’s particularly excited about meeting Mayor McCheese.
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes will celebrate their 2nd wedding anniversary, with a romantic dinner and a mind-meld.
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes will celebrate their 2nd wedding anniversary. Well, Tom will celebrate it. Katie will spend it trying to claw her way out of the love-capsule. / the romance-chamber. / Xenu’s love-machine.
Wed, Nov. 19
Wednesday is World Toilet Day. What a crapper. / What a crap day.
Wednesday’s “World Toilet Day” will end up ruined when no-one turns up. All that money down the toilet.
Wednesday’s “World Toilet Day” will see record crowds waiting in line, crossing their legs and jiggling up and down.
Wednesday sees “World Toilet Day”, the one day of the year when you can just piss wherever you like. The world’s one big toilet.
Wednesday is World Toilet Day, celebrating the fact that we’ve turned the world into a toilet.
Wednesday is World Toilet Day, because for too long now, toilets haven’t had their own day.
Wednesday is World Toilet Day. Guess we just ran out of ideas.
On Wednesday, the inquiry into the Murray Water Management bill is due to report, and they’ll find it’s all a bit of a waste of time, what with there being no actual water to manage.
On Wednesday, the “Inquiry into the Murray Water Management Bill” will report that it doesn’t matter, there’s no water to manage anyway.
Wednesday’s hearing into private school funding legislation will find there’s no shortfall that can’t be made up with a bit of a flutter on the ponies.
Wednesday’s “Hearing Into Private School Funding Legislation” in Canberra will discover that it makes perfect sense for private schools to be funded while public schools have to raise money with cake stalls and fetes – OMIGID LOOK OVER THERE, IS THAT A TERRORIST!?? / IS THAT CHILD PORNOGRAPHY!??
On Wednesday, the Minister for Superannuation will address the National Press Club one last time before his portfolio disappears.
Thurs, Nov. 20
The “Women In Government” conference in Sydney gets sidetracked when the same people turn out to be Christian Nymphos…
Thursday’s Women in Government conference will pit Julia Gillard against Julie Bishop in the mud-wrestling pit. Now that’s action: affirmative! / Now that’s affirmative action!
Thursday sees the International Space Station celebrate 10 years of being trapped helplessly in the middle of nowhere.
On Thursday, the International Space Station turns 10 years old. Of course, in space, you can’t invite any guests, it’s too dangerous to drink alcohol, you can’t light any candles, and if you cut a cake, crumbs will go flying off in all directions and clog up the air filter. So they’ll be celebrating with one standard ration of tube-food. “Hooray.” “Affirmative. Hooray.”
On Thursday, the International Space Station turns 10 years old. Hopefully there are no gate-crashers to that one…
On Thursday, the International Space Station turns 10 years old, though the astronauts are hoping it hasn’t decade…
Thursday’s “Conference on the Australian Quality of Life” will take place over a few beers and a game of backyard cricket. Watch out – it’s tippity!
Thursday’s “Conference on the Australian Quality of Life” will be ruined by Johnno chuckin’ his guts up after sinkin’ too much piss.
Thursday’s “Conference on the Australian Quality of Life” will be held in Bali, just after Micko and Spaz finish getting blown in the dunnies. / snorting coke in the dunnies.
Thursday’s “Conference on the Australian Quality of Life” will take place over a downloaded copy of the latest Simpsons, and a drugfucked romp through the whorehouses of Bali.
Fri, Nov. 21
Friday’s Telstra general meeting will come out against censorship of the Internet being done by anyone but them.
Friday’s Telstra general meeting will come out in support of censorship of the Internet, just so long as Bigpond is exempt.
Friday’s Telstra AGM will go badly, after they discover the entire meeting is being chaired by their automatic voice recognition software. “Did you say ‘Pluck off you heat of ship?’ ”
Friday’s Telstra AGM will go badly, after the entire meeting is put on hold for several hours, before eventually being chaired by some guy who’s clearly just doing Work Experience.
Sat, Nov. 22
The final of rugby league world cup will be held in Brisbane next Saturday, assuming someone’s willing to pay for it.
Saturday sees the new Guns ‘n’ Roses album “Chinese Democracy” finally being released! The thing is, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ANY MORE!
Saturday sees the new Guns ‘n’ Roses album “Chinese Democracy” finally being released! And of course, being Aussies, we’ve already downloaded it.
Saturday is meant to be the long-awaited released of Guns ‘n’ Roses new album “Chinese Democracy”, but it will turn out the entire thing has just been one massive work of political satire. It turns out Axl is actually saying there’s no such thing as Chinese Democracy! See, he’s not a drugfucked imbecile after all.
New Guns ‘n’ Roses album “Chinese Democracy” allegedly released, though most Aussies will have already downloaded the album, decided it was crap, and sold their burn on eBay.
Saturday sees the Guns ‘n’ Roses album “Chinese Democracy” finally being released! And the only people that will buy it are the Chinese. Just like the real thing! / And, just like the real thing, it’ll turn out that the only people buying “Chinese Democracy” are the Chinese.
On Saturday, Guns ‘n’ Roses will finally release their 14-years-in-the-making album, “Chinese Democracy”. Although now they’re down to just one member. Which means that China is actually more democratic.
On Saturday, Guns ‘n’ Roses will finally release their album, “Chinese Democracy”. Ask your Dad.
Saturday is 45 years since JFK was assassinated – or is it?
Saturday’s rally for gay marriage rights will be disrupted by Christian nymphos who hope they can change those gay guys’ minds.
Saturday sees Melbourne’s gay community rally for marriage rights, not fully understanding the relentless gruelling horror that marriage truly is.
Sun, Nov. 23
Next week is Zero Footprint Week, so wear really soft soled shoes. / so it’s handstands for a full week. / so please, tippie-toes only. / so you’ll just have to ride your bike. / so you’d best drive your car everywhere.
