Tues, March 18
Tomorrow, Brendan Nelson will address the National Press Club on behalf of the mumblemumble Party.
Tomorrow, Brendan Nelson will address the National Press Club on behalf of whatever party he’s representing at the moment.
Tomorrow, Brendan Nelson will address the National Press Club – tickets are still available. In fact, ALL the tickets are still available.
In Canberra, Brendan Nelson will talk to the National Press Club, and the National Press Club will turn their backs. Not in protest, it’s just he’s a bit dull.
Tomorrow, Brendan Nelson will address the National Press Club, and John Howard will sit up the back and heckle.
In London, the final decision will be made on the McCartney / Mills divorce case. The judge will find that Mills is a gold-digging biatch, and that McCartney’s never done anything good without John Lennon.
In London, the final decision will be made on the McCartney / Mills divorce case. The judge will find that Paul McCartney is guilty of being a boring old English no-talent twat, and the Heather Mills is guilty of being a lying whiny one-legged hoe.
In London, the final decision on the McCartney / Mills divorce will shock the world: Mills won’t get any money, but will get to keep one of McCartney’s legs. What a twist.
Wed, March 19
On Wednesday, “Neverland” will be foreclosed if Michael Jackson hasn’t come up with $26 million. And he can only reissue Thriller so many times!
On Wednesday, “Neverland” will be foreclosed if Michael Jackson hasn’t come up with $26 million. He’s so desperate, he’s thinking of molesting himself just for the out-of-court settlement.
On Wednesday, I’ll be hosting the Comedy Festival Gala, which isn’t really a joke, but it is an excellent plug.
Fri, March 21
Human Rights Day in South Africa will take place with no trace of irony.
Sat, March 22
World Water Day will be cancelled because of rain.
World Water Day will be changed to World Dust Day because of drought.
On Saturday, World Water Day will be held in Queensland – everyone takes home a jar of flood!
On Saturday, World Water Day will be held between 6 and 8am in odd-numbered houses only.
Saturday is World Water Day, though attendance is restricted.
Saturday’s World Water Day will be restricted.
Saturday is World Water Day, so get wet!
On Saturday, World Water Day will attract a flood of interest.
To mark Saturday’s World Water Day some spokeswater will do a tell-all interview. Apparently it’s jealous of fire, who gets all the hot chicks.
The Telstra Aust. Swimming Championships will be held on World Water Day, leaving not much left over for the world.
In Sydney, the Telstra Australian Swimming Championships will go just swimmingly.
Tues, March 25
The journey of the Beijing Olympic torch will begin, after the traditional ceremony of setting fire to the bodies. / torching the evidence. / using it to get information out of protestors. / using it to torture enemies of the state.
Wed, March 26
At the Sydney Institute, Malcolm Turnbull will speak, unfortunately. I hate it when he does that.
In Sydney, a lecture on “Union Control in the A.L.P.” will be closed down when Unions discover the lecturers are non-union scabs.
Thurs, March 27
On March 27th, it’s 10 years since Viagra was approved for use. Somewhere, an old man is crying “make it stop”…
It’s 10 years since Viagra was approved for use, which is the real reason men are doing more housework. / getting more sex.
Fri, March 28
On Friday week, Kevin Rudd meets Dubya at the White House for a delicious luncheon of lame duck.
On Friday week, Kevin Rudd meets Dubya at the White House for a delicious luncheon of yesterday’s potatoes.
On Friday week, Kevin Rudd meets Dubya at the White House for a delicious luncheon of fish that have been shot in a barrel.
On Friday week, Kevin Rudd meets Dubya at the White House for a delicious luncheon – humble pie, lame duck, and i-don’t-stand-a-chance strudel.
The PM will have lunch at the White House to discuss whether there’s any point speaking to a President who’s virtually already gone.
Rudd will have lunch with Dubya at the White House, where they will share their experiences of getting blind and hanging out in strip joints.
Rudd will have lunch with Dubya at the White House, where he will be surprised when George tries to impress him by dunking an Iced Volvo in his coffee. / buying him an iced Volvo.
Rudd will have a wonderful lunch with Dubya at the White House, until it comes time for the traditional post-dessert fellatio.
Kevin Rudd’s lunch with George Bush at the White House will get uncomfortable after Dubya says he preferred that other little Aussie nerd. / Dubya asks what happened to that other little Aussie nerd.
Kevin Rudd will have lunch with George Bush, just so we remember that he’s still there.
And John Howard will hold a press conference to say that when he did visited the White House, he did it heaps better, and that Bush likes him more than he likes stinky old Rudd.
Sat, March 29
The Earth Hour “switch off” will go for more than an hour, as people stumble around in the dark looking for their light switch.
Earth Hour will end up as Earth Sixty-Five Minutes when no-one can find the light switch.
The Zimbabwe general elections will reveal that, not only is the whole thing not rigged, but Mugabe is universally seen as an all-round nice guy, with a wonderful sense of justice and a fantastic body.
Next week’s Zimbabwe general elections will result in Mugabe purchasing a stunning victory!
Sun, March 30
The gag order on David Hicks will be lifted, as well as the actual gag.
The gag order on David Hicks will be lifted, as well as the blindfold order, the handcuff order, and the order on genital electrocution.
On Sunday week the gag order on David Hicks is lifted, though they’re considering keeping the hood on.
And John Howard will hold a press conference to say that there’s no way he’ll be apologising to Hicks, and that he should’ve been locked up for even longer.
Tues, April 01
The lifting on David Hicks’ gag order will turn out to be an April Fool’s joke. So back to Guantanamo for him.
April Fool’s Day will turn to tragedy when nobody is actually fooled.
April Fool’s Day will reveal John Howard back in parliament, claiming the whole “losing the election” thing was just a big practical joke. And we fell for it! Didn’t we think it was too good to be true?
In a giant practical joke, April Fool’s Day this year will be on the second.
At the Sydney Institute, “Reforming The ABC” lecture will mainly focus on how to get people to actually watch.
At the Sydney Institute, the “Reforming The ABC” lecture will conclude that the ABC is still the best place for satirical comedy shows to die.
At the Sydney Institute, the “Reforming The ABC” lecture will conclude that the ABC should be totally reformed, and turned into a bouncy castle. / an ice-skating rink. / a cheese-factory. / a retirement home for infirm zebras. / a squid nursery.
At the Sydney Institute, a lecture on reforming the ABC will propose that the alphabet should be backwards.
The Sydney Institute will host a lecture on reforming the ABC when they probably should be focused on reforming ABC Learning.
The Sydney Institute will host a lecture on reforming the ABC. Hey, they changed their logo, isn’t that reform enough?
To celebrate 55 years of Economy class seating, Qantas reveal new class called Extra Cramped. / new class of seating they call Stowaway.
It will be 55 years since Qantas established Economy class – before that, it was either Cramped or Stowaway.
Qantas celebrate 55 years since the power of flight was granted to the Aussie battler: economy class.
Wed, April 02
In Darwin, a conference on “Indigenous People & Climate Change” will conclude that, yes, we’ve fucked it for them. Sorry about that.
In Darwin, a conference on “Indigenous People & Climate Change” will reveal that they’re even less able than other Australians to just turn on the air conditioning and change it back.
Two conferences on Climate Change will be cancelled, in Sydney due to drought and in Darwin due to flood. Hmmm.
In Sydney, a conference on “Climate Change At Work” will teach you how to make a fortune by guilt-tripping!
In Sydney, a conference on “Climate Change At Work” will fail to be attended by John Howard, who doesn’t believe the conference exists.
In Sydney, a conference on “Climate Change At Work” will conclude that a large percentage of global warming comes from management’s constant expulsion of hot air.
Fri, April 04
In a terrible tragedy, World Rat Day will be spoiled by hungry scrub pythons.
In a terrible tragedy, World Rat Day will be cancelled, replaced by the inaugural World Scrub Python Day.
And Friday week’s World Rat Day – celebrate the world’s filthiest vermin!
Organisers of World Rat Day are hoping it goes as well as Global Leech Day, Funnelweb Tuesday, and International Week of the Ringworm.
Next Friday, it’s World Rat Day – the one day in the year that informers can all get together and squeal. And the second-last day of their lives.
Sun, April 06
Perth plays host to the Aust. Petroleum Association conference. Sounds fascinating.
In Perth, the Aust. Petroleum Association conference will run out of steam.
In Perth, the Aust. Petroleum Association conference will be just too expensive to run.
In Perth, the Australian Petroleum Association conference will be just too expensive, and will be replaced by a conference for the Australian Walking Club.
Mon, April 07
Russell Crowe will turn 45, and will celebrate by blowing out the candles on an enormous cake, and throwing the pieces at photographers. / Russell Crowe will turn 45, and will celebrate by hurling pieces of birthday cake at his guests.
Russell Crowe will turn 45, which is 180 in Crow years.
Russell Crowe will turn 45, but explain that his wrinkles aren’t from aging, he’s had Crowe’s feet all his life.
Russell Crowe turns 45, and he’s renaming TOFOG again to Tired Old Fogey Off ‘Gladiator’.
Logies nominations announced, so there’s still time to write my name in!
And the Logies nominations will be announced – fingers crossed, but I think I’m up for a gold!
With Logies nominations being announced, the U.N. has asked that all actors who do drugs be eliminated, and Peter Cundall will be the only nominee for everything.
