Yes, these are a week late… but you see some of them related to this week’s stories. See we often tape two episodes at a time and then replace the end jokes of the second episode with more up to date ones just before they go to air. If that sounds confusing, good, it’s probably best to leave a bit of mystery around. Anyway, hopefully you got more than enough jokes last week… and if not you get this extra helping this week so quit yer whinging.
TUES. 19
Coming up – the Reserve Bank will release the minutes of its latest meeting on monetary policy: and the good news is, interest rates will be way way down. But they will be demanding your first-born child.
Coming up – the Reserve Bank will release the minutes of its latest meeting on monetary policy: apparently, interest rates will be way way down. And the skies will be filled with airborne swine.
Coming up – the Reserve Bank will release the minutes of its latest meeting on monetary policy: they’ve decided to end all this interest-rate nonsense, and just take your house.
Tomorrow, The Reserve Bank releases its interest rate recommendation, and Wayne Swan will release a statement blaming everything on Peter Costello and his continual “blame game”.
The Reserve Bank will release the minutes of its latest meeting on monetary policy: they’ll be scrapping interest rates altogether, replacing them with an army of hybrid embryo slaves.
WED. 20
The BRIT Music Awards will be held on Wednesday, the biggest night of the year, if you’re into pretentious wankers from the other side of the world being given a meaningless award by toffy nobodies.
The BRIT Music Awards will be held on Wednesday, so pop a knotted handerchief on your head, fry up some kippers and watch your favourite no-talent chav being given a hunk of pewter by some unknown cross-dressing aristocrat.
The BRIT Music Awards will be won again by Brit. Ney. Spears.
BRIT Music Awards will be won by a last-minute surprise entry – Michael Jackson’s hybrid embryo slave. Quite the singer, apparently.
Dr. Peter Shergold, the most senior public servant under John Howard, will address the National Press Club, who will all turn their backs.
Dr. Peter Shergold, the most senior public servant under John Howard, will address the National Press Club, with his speech “Why Darkies Should All Be Assimilated.” / “Why the Abbos Are All Drunken Paedophiles.” / “I Swear, Some Of Them Are As Black As Pitch”. / “And Now The Milk Bar Is Run By A Bunch Of Chinks.”
On Wednesday Cruz Beckham turns 3 – finally, he’s his mum and dad’s intellectual equal!
Cruz Beckham turns 3. Finally he’s out of the terrible twos and into adulthood.
British P.M. Gordon Brown turns 57. At least he thinks he is, his personal details got lost in the post.
British P.M. Gordon Brown turns 57, and I’m still not sure who he is.
THURS. 21
On Thursday, it’s a total lunar eclipse! Finally the time is right, the great alignment is at hand, and the culmination of centuries of secret rituals and ancient rites has come to dark fruition! That’s right – for a few moments, the entire moon will be obscured! MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! Hmmm, sounded more exciting with the robes on. / by candlelight.
“Rambo: To Hell & Back” hits the big screen, proving once and for all that Sly Stallone really should’ve died years ago. / that Sly Stallone only has two characters in him. / that Sly Stallone must be totally broke.
“Rambo: To Hell & Back” hits the big screen. I must say, it’s a much better name than the working title “Rambo: To Helen Hunt”. I mean, she’s not even in it.
FRI. 22
Friday sees the launch of the 2008 National Rugby League season – Brisbane. This year a new innovation where you can mash a glass into your opponent’s face. / This year, they’re allowing statutory rape!
SAT. 23
28th Golden Raspberry Awards, when they discover that golden raspberries are only good for jam. / aren’t as nice as the red ones.
SUN. 24
With the end of the Writers’ Strike, Oscar-winners will no longer be speechless.
Lleyton Hewitt turns 27. That young? But he’s so mature!
MON. 25
On Monday, it’s the “Young People & Crime” conference in Melbourne. Seminars include “Oldies are Dumb”, “They’ll Fall For Anything”, and “They Even Think This Conference Is Totally Legit.”
On Monday, it’s the “Young People & Crime” conference in Melbourne. The keynote-speaker is Chopper Read, with a speech entitled “By Your Age, I’d Shot Three Cunts Dead And Chopped A Bloke’s Toes Off.”
On Monday, it’s the “Young People & Crime” conference in Melbourne. Talks include “How to Fake IDs”, “Getting Strangers To Buy You Smokes” and “You Download A Few MP3s And You Think You’re Tough?”
TUES. 26
Australian cricket’s night-of-nights, the Alan Border medal will be a glamour-filled occasion, but Ricky Ponting has promised there’ll be no monkey business. (OR Andrew Symons OR the team coach OR officials)
Australian cricket’s night-of-nights, the Alan Border medal. The night will be disrupted as the medal ceremony is hijacked by streakers.
In a world first, the medal will be awarded to a monkey.
Tuesday sees the EU summit on climate change in Brussels, when the great old nations of Europe get together and agree, yes, we’ve fucked it for everyone.
Tuesday sees the EU summit on climate change in Brussels, when the great old nations of Europe get together and try to work out some way they can get their people off the planet before the US ruins it totally.
WED. 27
On Wednesday, Anthony Mundine will defend his world title in Sydney. Someone will say “That world title sucks” and he’ll say “No it doesn’t.”
Anthony Mundine defends his world title, but still can’t defend any of his actions outside the ring.
THURS. 28
Thursday sees the launch of the Brisbane Sexpo! And let me tell you now, you’ve never seen so many inflatable Pauline Hansons in your life! / so many rubber pumpkin scones!
Thursday sees the launch of the Brisbane Sexpo! And let me tell you now, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen the “Giant Pineapple”…
Brisbane Sexpo will display all the modern sex toys, including the latest in hybrid embryo sex slaves.
Brisbane Sexpo will be based on the layout of when they hosted the World Expo 20 years ago. Though this time you don’t really want to visit the New Zealand pavilion.
Brisbane Sexpo will be reminiscent of when they held World Expo. The New Zealand pavilion will be the most popular – it really is fascinating the technological advances in sheep-fucking.
FRI. 29
Experts discuss the new Defence White Paper in Canberra. Main topic of discussion is why the paper doesn’t have anything written on it. / Main topic of discussion is how our nation can fight terrorism with a sheet of white paper.
Experts discuss the new Defence White Paper in Canberra. So far, the best idea seems to be creating an army of hybrid embryo slaves.
On Friday, the Gardening Expo in Adelaide will promote the benefits of blood-and-bone – it’s a great way to help your plants while disposing of the evidence.
SAT. 01
Adelaide’s Air Guitar Championships will be heaps better than the one in Staines.
Next Saturday, it’s the National Sausage King Awards! Odds are it’ll be Matt Shirvington – again.
SUN. 02
Melbourne Fashion Week. Watch out for models with long trenchcoats, trilbies and dicatphones.
In Melbourne Fashion Week, the latest trends will be revealed to be long trenchcoats, trilbies and dicatphones. Suspicious.
In Melbourne Fashion Week, watch out for model spies. “Licensed to Bitch!”
On Sunday, it’s the Russian presidential elections. And none of the candidates will be from the Russian Mafia. Not one. And now I get to live.
Russian presidential elections will result in Vladimir Putin’s anointed successor not only winning the popular vote, but more importantly the approval of the KGB.
Vladimir Putin’s anointed successor will triumph in Russian presidential election with 103% of the vote!
On Sunday, it’s Clean Up Australia Day. I’ve done this before, and let me warn you – it takes a whole lot of vacuuming to get all that sand off the beach.
On Clean Up Australia Day, Brendan Nelson vows to get rid of the boongs once and for all.
MON. 03
6 months since Steve Fossett disappeared – the perfect length of time to create a series of hybrid embryo slaves from his DNA. Apparently, his wife doesn’t miss him so much anymore – they can do all the things that Steve used to do, plus they glow in the dark! / and they’ve got laser-vision! / and they can fly! / and their tentacles make them indispensable in the boudoir!
It’ll be 6 months since Steve Fossett disappeared. So he’s definitely not just popped down to the shops then.
Oh yes, and the aliens pissed off by The Beatles attack the Earth with a violent onslaught of death metal. We were just too wussy to live.
And aliens provoked by our broadcast of “Across the Universe” rock up in a spaceship inscribed with an ancient alien word meaning “Die, hippies”.
