Tues, Oct. 21
On Tuesday, Malcolm Turnbull will talk at the Business Awards in Sydney. He’s not there as a speaker, he’ll just be sitting up the back heckling.
On Tuesday, Malcolm Turnbull will talk at the Business Awards in Sydney. And the major prize this year is a shot at the Liberal leadership!
Thurs, Oct. 23
The Gold Coast plays host to the Indy 300. Expect to see road rage, rude gestures, foul language – and that’s just in the car park.
On Thursday, the Gold Coast will play host to the Indy 300. Prepare yourself for some high-speed tailgating! / for the fastest tail-gating you’ve ever seen! / Turns out it’s not actually a race – it’s just everyone’s trying to get away from the dickhead tailgater behind them!
The Gold Coast plays host to the Indy 300. Gee, I never realised they made that many sequels to Raiders.
On Thursday, South Australian Premier Mike Rann gives his “State of the State” address – turns out it’s interstate and intestate.
On Thursday, Adelaide Premier Mike Rann will give his “State of the State” address. He’ll be telling his people that Churches are up, sex-murders are down, and that all in all, there’s only 4 other states he’d rather be Premier of. And 2 Territories.
On Thursday, the World Karaoke Championships will kick off in Finland, and what better place to host a competition of people who aren’t really singers than some place that isn’t really a country.
Finland hosts the World Karaoke Championships – it’s Idol for uglies!
ANZ announces its full year results – against all the odds, it’s remained a bank the whole time.
ANZ will announce its full year results, and, as a special treat, will be giving everyone at the conference a free credit card.
ANZ will release its annual results, on a bloody huuuge plasma TV.
ANZ will announce its full year results, which are heaps bigger than their mate’s.
ANZ will release its annual results. It’s a must-see – perhaps you’d like to take out a personal loan to attend!
On Thursday, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki will be special guest at a dinner at Parliament House! To make him feel at home, Kevin Rudd’s planning on bombing the place a little before he arrives. / going to knock down some of the walls, install a whole lot of US troops, and cover the place with the dead bodies of civilians.
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki will be special guest at a dinner at Parliament House, where he’ll thank the Prime Minister for, er, abandoning his country to be fought over by Americans and terrorists. This was organised last year wasn’t it…
Fri, Oct. 24
Canberra plays host to an Enterprising Women conference. Good on them, having their own conference like that. / Ladies, bring a plate.
On Friday, the Enterprising Women conference will kick off in Canberra. Of course, all of the really enterprising women will be setting up their own conference somewhere a bit nicer.
The National Party federal council will meet in Canberra, although the Queensland Liberal Nationals don’t know whether to turn up now that they’ve merged. And without Queenslanders, well, there ain’t much of a National Party really, is there.
On Friday, Network Ten will announce its full year results. Oops. Moving right along…
Network Ten announces its full year results: Need… more… ratings…
Sydney plays host to a Financial Crime forum in the hope that someone will give them a trillion dollars.
On Friday, the Financial Crime forum in Sydney will get off to a shaky start when someone nicks the podium. / when it turns out most of the tickets sold were actually counterfeit.
In Sydney on Friday there’s a Property vs. Shares investment forum. I’m thinking cash under the bed will be the elephant in that room. / Place your bets now! / Now there’s a race to the bottom.
Sat, Oct. 25
On Saturday, it’s the start of the Hi 5 tour in Newcastle! Yeah! Some of those fans learnt to stage-dive before they could walk! / There’s no mosh pit, but there is a sand pit… / One of the few gigs where the mosh-pit doubles as a sand-pit… / Go backstage, you’ll see the youngest groupies in the world…
On Friday, the “Passion For Life” dating expo begins in Sydney. Hopefully it goes better than last year’s “Passion of the Christ” dating expo… / last year’s “Waiting to Die” dating expo… / “Burnt Out and Dead Inside” dating expo.
25 years of Microsoft Word. Fragment (consider revising).
On Friday, it’ll 25 years since Microsoft Word was released. Never before was there a piece of word processing software so universally accepted by the gangsta rap community. Word.
Sun, Oct. 26
On Sunday, the Rugby League World Cup will begin, its first game between Australia vs. New Zealand. The rest of the world is calling it “Battle of the Sheepfuckers”.
Next weekend, Newcastle plays host to both a Hi 5 tour and “Australia’s Next Top Model” auditions. Who knew Newcastle was the home of vacuousness for young and old?
Next weekend, Newcastle plays host to both a Hi 5 tour and “Australia’s Next Top Model” auditions. 13-year-old girls won’t know where to go. / will have a breakdown working out which one to go to.
Hilary Clinton turns 61. Remember her? She was going to be the first female President of the United States, but didn’t hunt enough moose.
On Sunday, Hilary Clinton will turn 61, and, just to rub it in, the “Australia’s Next Top Model” auditions begin in Newcastle. Such a cruel world.
